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Saturday, January 14, 2006
You don't know how much I wish I was there with you, for you. To hold your hand as you walk down the path of your darkest hour. Yet I'm not strong enough to share your burden, and I choose to take a step back, to distance myself from you, so that I'm not sucked into your pain and anguish. To watch you in your downward spiral and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do, but merely stand and watch. The agony of the knowledge that I cannot ease your pain is too much for me to bear that I seem to be watching from a detached observer's point of view. Please understand, I, too, am scared. Of losing you. Of knowing that I've already lost so much of you. Of knowing that it's only a matter of time before I lose you.I can only take comfort in the knowledge that the pain will cease for you, and you'll be eternally happy. Always watching over me; caring for me. I daren't pray that I'll be able to see you one more time, because I don't want you to suffer more than you already have. I don't want to be selfish. Yet at the same time, I am being immensely selfish because it means I won't have to cope with your pain, to live and breathe it. I want to be strong for you, but I can't. And if I can't be strong for you, I don't know if I can stand to be there at all. Ironically, you're the one who's being so strong. You're the one that's holding everyone together in this critically trying moment in time. I don't know how you've managed to keep yourself together for so long. I pray that when the time comes, He will give me an ounce of the courage that you possess. But I can promise you, that I will never let my faith die. You kindled it, and I shall always keep it burning. Not for you, but for myself, for that is yours, and my salvation.
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