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Thursday, January 26, 2006
To A Beautiful Angel."Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."~John 14:1-3It's frustrating how intolerant we can be of someone else's faith and beliefs, even a loved one, and how incredulously self-righteous we can be when it comes to presiding over the loved one.The incessantly insistent clamouring over the right to someone's wishes; the constant whimpering about how things have not been done the way they want them to be, but rather, they're being presided over by someone outside of the family and that particular someone should just butt out even though she was the one who knew the dearly departed the best.Seriously, whatever happened to respecting the wishes of the departed? Can't we just for one second put our differences aside and stop thinking about how we want things to be done and think about how she would have wanted things? Is that not the point? Can we not stop bickering and step out of our tiny squares for once? Can we not open up our eyes and see the infinite possibilities? Is it so hard to see things from the other side of the looking glass? It's ridiculously depressing witnessing grown-ups bitch and whinge about such petty details. For crying out loud, if she was Christian, she would have wanted things done the Christian way, no? Can we not respect her faith? Why do people have to impose their wishes on everything and everyone else? As if that was not bad enough, I can't find my voice. I can't speak up for what I believe in. I can't speak up for the person I love and the person who loves me. It's as if I've gone dumb. Time and again I've let myself and my faith down, and this time it's no different. But in this scenario, it's of a greater importance that I stand up and be strong, be proud of what I am, yet I lack the strength and courage to do so. As if I'm ashamed of what I believe in. How could I?Yet I am torn between my familial obligations and my faith. Time and again I've succumbed to obligation and turned my back on Him, and time and again I have spurned Him. I only know that it's going to come back each time, stronger and tougher than the last, til the day comes when I finally make my stand and proclaim my devotion to the Lord. Til then, it's only going to get harder and harder, and each time I shun Him, I will only get weaker and weaker and angstier and angrier with myself. It's so hard to cut through generations of traditional belief and stand up to them with nothing more than a mere 'Because I believe'. But that is the way it has to be. I feel like each time, my faith and devotion is being tried and tested, and each and every single time I fail Him. It's so easy to take what you have for granted. You keep thinking that it'll always be there for you, no matter what you do and where you go, it'll still be there when you return. It will be, definitely, but what if you've grown so distant and lost that you can't find the way back? What then? It's so easy to lose your way, but so much easier to lose yourself. Oh please don't let me be that, I don't want to take for granted what I have, yet neither do I have the courage to stand up for what I believe in. Give me strength, make me faithful and strong against all adversaties. Let me be proud, and let me remember."You were one of her favourite nieces. Even though you grew apart because of distance and all, but I just want to let you know your aunt cared for you a lot."Ouch, that hurt to the quick. Feelings of guilt, nostalgia, regret, fondness all come rushing in a crushing tide. On the selfish side, it hurts to know that someone whom I was a favourite of has passed on, and I'm now less special and mean a lot less to the world because there's one less person who finds me special who thinks I deserve better. On the deeper level, it hurts that she was one of my favourites too but I never got the chance to tell her, and even if I did, I wouldn't have, simply because that would entail me opening up and displaying my vulnerability, which I'm not a fan of. Yet somehow, on a higher level, I think we both knew how the other felt. It only hurts me that her own kins refuse to snap out of their foolishness and open their eyes and embrace her for who she really was. Is. It's agonizing to bear the knowledge that the only four things she really did not want to have to go through in life, she had to endure; and the three wishes that she desperately hoped and wished and prayed for to happen both during and after her life, they didn't materialise. She was a brave woman, even til her last moments on the physical plane, fighting death til the very last breath, summoning every single ounce of energy left in her to experience the basic luxuries of living that we take for granted every day.Saw you stretched out in Room Ten O Nine With a smile on your face and a tear right in your eye. Oh, couldn't see to get a line on you, my sweet honey love. Angels beating all their wings in time, With smiles on their faces and a gleam right in their eyes. Whoa, thought I heard one sigh for you, Come on up, come on up, now, come on up now. May the good Lord shine a light on you, Make every song your favorite tune. May the good Lord shine a light on you, Warm like the evening sun.~Shine A Light, The Rolling StonesShe lives on, and I cherish her in my heart.Til we meet again.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you goa glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow~ Do What You Have To Do, Sarah McLachlanAnd so the time is come. We all move on, we always have, and we always will.It strangely doesn't feel quite as earth-shattering as I'd imagined it'd be. But then again, I'm far removed from it, and safe from the ripples of it. The reality will sink in, I suppose, when I'm back in a few days, and we shall see where He takes me. The beauty of life is in birth,
And with death comes rebirth.I can't find the words right now.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
You don't know how much I wish I was there with you, for you. To hold your hand as you walk down the path of your darkest hour. Yet I'm not strong enough to share your burden, and I choose to take a step back, to distance myself from you, so that I'm not sucked into your pain and anguish.
To watch you in your downward spiral and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do, but merely stand and watch. The agony of the knowledge that I cannot ease your pain is too much for me to bear that I seem to be watching from a detached observer's point of view. Please understand, I, too, am scared. Of losing you. Of knowing that I've already lost so much of you. Of knowing that it's only a matter of time before I lose you.I can only take comfort in the knowledge that the pain will cease for you, and you'll be eternally happy. Always watching over me; caring for me. I daren't pray that I'll be able to see you one more time, because I don't want you to suffer more than you already have. I don't want to be selfish. Yet at the same time, I am being immensely selfish because it means I won't have to cope with your pain, to live and breathe it. I want to be strong for you, but I can't. And if I can't be strong for you, I don't know if I can stand to be there at all. Ironically, you're the one who's being so strong. You're the one that's holding everyone together in this critically trying moment in time. I don't know how you've managed to keep yourself together for so long. I pray that when the time comes, He will give me an ounce of the courage that you possess. But I can promise you, that I will never let my faith die. You kindled it, and I shall always keep it burning. Not for you, but for myself, for that is yours, and my salvation.
Friday, January 13, 2006
I know this sounds terribly shallow, but my once baggy jeans were horribly snug 6 weeks ago but they're now back to their previous state of carefree being and I am tremendously ecstatic.Anything holds the potential of being addictive. Smoking; shopping; binge eating; lingerie shopping; make-up shopping; running; the internet; getting curls to stay in your hair; getting tighter curls to stay in your hair; bargain cd shopping. Even the laundry.I'm satiated right now. Maybe it's the vodka. Maybe it's the night. Maybe it's because my flat is in order for the first time in goodness-knows-how-long. Maybe it's the overdose of musicals I've been putting on the stereo. It's all the happiness in the air from the musicals. Maybe it's the anticipation for 'The Producers' movie. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the jeans.Yeah, I think it's the jeans.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Maybe a silent cry for help is what we're all longing for.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
When you're deemed to reduce your life to the bare essentials and minus away the frivolities, that's when you start realising what you hold dearest to your heart. It's when you realise what you can or can't live without, and what you are willing to let go of. Somethings simply aren't worth clinging onto in blind hope, whereas certain things have such an invisible stronghold on you subconsciously that you couldn't run away from it even if you tried. The past three weeks have been good, al beit fraught full of health issues and a disappointing hair job and discovering allergies to intangible things. Minimal was the theme, but boy, was it good. It taught me what really mattered and what didn't; what held on, and what simply flaked off. And what lingers on despite time and distance. The pieces left behind can never be picked up completely, and we just move on. The future is so hazy from where I'm standing, but I know that at least I'm in good company, and I thank Him for that, for leading me where I ought to go.We're all moving on, reaching the crossroads of our lives, and it's so darn exciting yet daunting at the same time. I can't wait for the next year to end, to be facing 2007 and yelling 'Welcome World' with my mates by my side. It's been a good year, and I can't wait for it to get better.To the amazing people in Dec2006, you guys light up my life, and I couldn't have made it here today without you. Cheers mates!!!!
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