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Monday, December 12, 2005
I was witness to a union between two people today, and it filled my heart with awe to experience the energy and love that seemed to emanate from their very pores when they were together. Watching two people just gaze into each others eyes for a full minute, and to feel the connection that was ebbing between them; it was simply divine. It was beautiful. There was this sense of serenity and fulfillment that seemed to permeate the air, and I am so privileged to share that special moment of them beginning the rest of their lives together. That was my first wedding (that I can physically remember to date, being the flowergirl when you're 5 does not count for naught), and I don't think I shall ever forget it. The simplicity of it all, you don't need all glitz and glamour to be happy, sometimes, the simpler things are, the plainer the truth of the moment is; you don't want to overshadow the frailty of something so ephemeral. Just the bare essentials, Man doesn't need frivolity; He merely craves it.On a slightly less wholesome and more annoyed note, I finally see through myself, and why I don't make guy friends easily, on why I hold back on making guy friends. Because someone whom I would never never ever like, as in, never never never ever ever never ever, from merely ONE dinner party, and a very longdrawn, painful(least,for me it was; he, on the other hand, totally enjoyed it), intense, 'intellectual' conversation, assumed that I had the hots for him, when he was SO totally just, NOT my type. Like seriously, I would rather place my head in a vice, and chew off my own fingers with my head still in the vice, and possiby attempt to lick my elbows and swallow my knees, than even so remotely consider going out with him. He's just, weird and eccentric (no, Ling, I don't mean that in a good way) and long-winded and intellectual and thinks he's too intellectual for most normal humans and has absolutely NO FREAKING CLUE on what the concept of personal space is. I think that's a rough enough description. I abso-fucking-lutely freaked out when he grabbed my hands and placed his face a palm's length from mine, and I mean a palm, not a hand, but a hand minus e fingers, and said 'I'd really like to catch up with you more. I want to know where to draw the line.' Like seriously, you'd think this guy was into me, no? And he says he thought I was into him. The audacity!!!!!!!! ***indignant grunt*** But I digress. Anyhow, what was my point???? Well, I forgot to ask him just WHY he would think I liked him, when I thought it was rather obvious that I wasn't really into the conversation, and if he would just close his mouth and open his Goddamn eyes and read my fucking body language, he would know better and save himself and me the embarrassment of having to deal with this sticky business. Anyhow, it's been, what, a month and a bit(?) since that dreadful dinner party, and Lo! and Behold, he's at this wedding. So I try very subtly to avoid him (which, sadly, for both of us, he notices) and I evade talking to him, save for one instance, but that was short-lived, so all's good, and I got some friends to cover my back and intercede if ever the need arose. Anyhow, he finally managed to catch me unawares, and he apologised for the 'misunderstanding', for making me feel awkward (Yeah he'd better), and goes on to say how he enjoys talking to me, and thought I did too. Basically, it was like Andy Choi revisited. Except this guy was weird and intellectual-ish, well, he acts the part, if you know what I mean, pontification and grandiloquence and all. But the bottom line is this: He wants to 'be friends' and have more 'intellectual conversations' because they are right up his lane. Well Sorry Sweetheart! This girl ain't too keen on all that heavy stuff, not everyday, and certainly not with you!! And also, he makes me uncomfortable, not because he's weird (not mainly anyway), but because he has no idea of personal space!! I'm not the only one who's weirded out by him, all my girlfriends are! So least I'm not the sole mean bitch. Least I bother to talk to him, and look where that's got me. Smart, Daphne, very nicely done. Anyhow, I tell him I really wouldn't like to have more of those conversations because such full-on, intense stuff makes me uncomfortable. I enjoy intellectual conversations, yes, but once in a while, and not all e freaking time. But mainly because he makes me uncomfortable because he's too intense for me to handle and I feel that he invades my personal space. And guess what?? Either he can't handle the truth, or he gets offended because I'm halfway through that and telling him I don't really want to engage in intellectually stimulating conversations with him, and he says 'ok stop. Stop. That's enough.' And he walks away. (!!!!) Like WHAT THE HELL?????? Seriously man, this dude needs a medical checkup, and a life. He says he's been through a rough time, and he's not ready for a girl like me. What the fuck is he rattling on about??? He says he wants to know how far he can go, then he says he wants to be just friends, then he says he thinks I like him, then he says I'm a beautiful amazing smart woman, then he says he wants to apologise for making me uncomfortable, then he starts making me uncomfortable all over again. Don't, don't, I repeat, Don't fuck with my mind!!! Dammit!!! Since when did I ever tell him I wanna marry him and have his babies??? He's the one who's been conjuring and demolishing and building and touching-up on all those crazy little ideas of his! I merely had one freaking longdrawn conversation with him because I had noone else to talk to!!!!!! Jesus Christ on a stick! Just where is the logic in this??? I swear, I could go nuts. It's just so annoying how someone's scripting, directing, and producing his own little melodrama and tugging me along. I honestly did not give the guy misleading signs, I swear. Can't some people just take a freaking hint??? Good Grief!But my point is, That if simply from one measly dinner party, someone whom I totally would NEVER think of dating could get the impression that I was interested in him, then obviously, I should stay the hell away from men because I don't want to get myself into all this sticky business because it just pisses the shit out of me and makes me do things I don't want to do and say things I don't want to say and hurt people's feelings, and when they get pushy and pig-headed, I just want to boil them alive. And that's the reason why I build up my walls and push people away when they start getting through to me. I'm closing myself off from people because I can't bear to handle the thought of a few psycho people hounding me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but equally importantly, I don't want to get hurt by anyone. Either that, or I'm just to freaking charming and loveable that anyone who starts to come into contact with me simply can't resist me and simply has to conjure up some crazy fantasy about me coming onto them.That's why I say flings are good. You know they're short-termed, and you mentally prepared yourself and you only let the person in to wherever you want. You don't have to open yourself up and let your mind be probed and torn to shreds and observed under a microscope. You do only as much as you want to, and as much as you're prepared to. No rules, and promises are unneccessary. It's a tradeoff though, you'll never find real, true fulfillment. But in the meantime, that's what I'm comfortable with. I can't handle the responsibility of holding someone's heart, mind, and soul in my hands, and the fact that he holds mine too. No thanks to Mr I'm-not-ready-for-someone-like-you-but-let's-be-more-than-friends-if-possible.Get stuffed, I say. I'm through with being nice, Niceness never got anyone anything but trouble.As the graffiti on someone's t-shirt says: Fuck this shit, I'm moving to the country. The t-shirt's right, I should go where people are overwhelmed by cattle. They're less demanding. Tasmania, Here I come.
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