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Sunday, November 06, 2005
I feel like I'm losing my inspiration. I don't feel inspired anymore. I don't feel like I inspire anyone or anything anymore. I don't feel inspiring anymore. I'm losing my way in this materialistic superficial made-up world. Where has my human integrity gone to? Why have I let myself spiral away from my intention? I feel ashamed, cheated, disgusted, let down. What happened to the times when I have often walked alone, just soaking in my surroundings, appreciating God's gifts and finding comfort in my isolation? When I could simply be a passive observer of my goings-on, yet still feel as if I'm being welcomed and embraced by Nature and Life with wide open arms, only to feel completely and utterly alone in the whole scheme of things.
I want confirmation and stability, yet I'm afraid of repetition and the drudgery that it might hold. I want change and adventure, yet I'm afraid of change. I crave risk, yet I want to be sure I'll emerge victorious. I adore variety, yet the thought of touch-and-go fills me with the dread of superficiality.
Sometimes you wonder, 'Just WHAT is it all for? Where does it lead? Where do I stand? Is it really all worth it?'
I feel like a bird in a cage. A golden cage with diamond studs and intricate details on the cage. Exquisite workmanship and extravagant finery. Yet all the bird wants to do is to fly and be in a community of her own. With her own kind. To love, and be loved, by beings just like her. Yet when she does leave her life where real worries of survival cease to exist, she can't survive in the real world. Pressing issues, famine, torture, rejection are rampant. The little spoilt rich bird can't even begin to understand the workings of the real world. She doesn't being with them and she can't frolick with them. She simply can't keep up. Yet she can't take the live of suffocating meaningless opulent luxury.
Where does she go from here?
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