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Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Why is there this need for us to categorise and label people, events and things? Why can't we simply accept people as they are, and things as they come? Randomness does not entail being nonsensical. Being different or wanting to be different does not necessarily mean someone's a deviant, or being arty-farty. It's not true that all good films are arthouse films. It just so happens that good films are usually good because they have a valid point to make, and they seek to educate and enlighten people, and that's what most arthouse films have: a point to make about a certain issue, or event, or idea. Why do we lock ourselves off from the unknown and label them as un-'us' and bear a dismissive demeanor when we encounter them? We don't have to accept everything with open arms, but why can't we embrace everything with an open mind? All it takes is some understanding. As if categorising other people and things weren't bad enough, why do we impose certain labels on ourselves and try as hard as we can to stick by those labels, an exist in the square we draw out for ourselves? It's as if all that our being encompasses exists solely within that tiny space we demarcate for our existence. Anything that's outside of the demarcating line we draw for ourselves is foreign and unwelcome. Why? Why do the people around me do that to themselves? Why am I doing it to them by writing this post? By the very act of saying they are part of this certain group of people, I am imposing a label on them. How much more ironic can this get? What is with good and bad? Right and wrong? There are certain things in life that undoubtably have a line that denotes what's right and what's not. But in the grander scheme of things, why can't we all just life and accept and not impose a standard to live by on everything? I need a larger breathing space.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I feel like I'm losing my inspiration. I don't feel inspired anymore. I don't feel like I inspire anyone or anything anymore. I don't feel inspiring anymore. I'm losing my way in this materialistic superficial made-up world. Where has my human integrity gone to? Why have I let myself spiral away from my intention? I feel ashamed, cheated, disgusted, let down. What happened to the times when I have often walked alone, just soaking in my surroundings, appreciating God's gifts and finding comfort in my isolation? When I could simply be a passive observer of my goings-on, yet still feel as if I'm being welcomed and embraced by Nature and Life with wide open arms, only to feel completely and utterly alone in the whole scheme of things.
I want confirmation and stability, yet I'm afraid of repetition and the drudgery that it might hold. I want change and adventure, yet I'm afraid of change. I crave risk, yet I want to be sure I'll emerge victorious. I adore variety, yet the thought of touch-and-go fills me with the dread of superficiality.
Sometimes you wonder, 'Just WHAT is it all for? Where does it lead? Where do I stand? Is it really all worth it?'
I feel like a bird in a cage. A golden cage with diamond studs and intricate details on the cage. Exquisite workmanship and extravagant finery. Yet all the bird wants to do is to fly and be in a community of her own. With her own kind. To love, and be loved, by beings just like her. Yet when she does leave her life where real worries of survival cease to exist, she can't survive in the real world. Pressing issues, famine, torture, rejection are rampant. The little spoilt rich bird can't even begin to understand the workings of the real world. She doesn't being with them and she can't frolick with them. She simply can't keep up. Yet she can't take the live of suffocating meaningless opulent luxury.
Where does she go from here?
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
It's terrible when you're feeling something you shouldn't be feeling, yet you can't help it, and you don't want to indulge it yet it feels so right, yet wrong at the same time. And your mind is telling you to turn and walk away, because this is not what you want, it's not what you were looking for; you wanted something more.I feel like such a shallow bitch. I don't even deserve what I'm feeling, and I certainly don't deserve more. I just want some clear answers, and a beacon to guide me, that's all I'm asking for, for the way to be lighted. I just can't grope around in the dark forever, it's killing me slowly, and I'm losing faith in myself and in what I believe in.Just as Odysseus had to bear the many years of wanderings, lost at sea and bracing the storms and the gods before returning home to Ithaca, I feel as if I'm being put to test, and I have to pass the many trials and tribulations before finally finding my peace. Before I can come to terms with myself, and with the people and happenings around me. I feel like I'm on board a vessel that's lost at sea and everyone on board is dead and I'm the only one left alive, knowing and facing an impending doom, yet still hoping against hope for that remote possibility of a different outcome.
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