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Friday, October 07, 2005
Right now, I feel like I'm tobboganing down a steep slope, gathering speed as I hurtle past the things around me, heading towards nowhere in a rush. I'm thinking to myself as I pass the stop points around me, that I can always double back and head back up the slope. Of course, the journey upwards is definitely going to be way tougher and strenous then down, but hey, it doesn't seem as if that's one of the main concerns right now, does it? I guess it's like that when you've just finished something that requires your upmost decication to it, and when it's over, you feel like you have your life back again, and you just have to fill it back up to the brim and simply enjoy life. However, there's always the obligations and responsibilities that get lagged behind. Such as schoolwork and financial resources. But honestly, I think I deserve this break. I'm really living it up, and last night wasn't a huge night out, but I really felt connected with what went on, and I didn't have to think about how I had to act and react, or how the people around me were going to perceive me. I was in my own skin again. I would love that to happen more often. Just letting loose and having a bit of fun. On a side note, I realised how uncomfortable I am with compliments. It makes me feel as if I've got a standard to live up to, and I feel really pressurized to live up to that, as if I would be disappointing the people around me if I didn't live up to their expectations of how funny I am.I've got 3 major assignments and a journal due in the next 2 weeks, and I'm still lapping it up, enjoying life, loving the fact that I've now got my Tuesday evenings, Fridays and Sundays back. No more Parade rehearsals, sad but true, but Parade's given me much more than I asked for, and I'm thakful for that. I had the best coffee session on Tuesday, 6 straight hours sitting in the same spot, not budging. Loving it. I should have gotten down to this ages ago. I need the door to be open, the lights turned on, and the welcome mat put out for me before I step through the door, but that's not going to work in the long run sister. I need to start being proactive and start taking risks!!!!!!!!!! Life is a risk itself, don't be a chicken! No good could come out of staying in my safety zone! Easy said, now put that into practice. And she shrinks back into her cubby hole again. But sometimes, it's just not worth the risk. I'm happy just sitting in my toboggan, hurtling down the slope, and if someone comes along and joins me, so there. Otherwise, I'm happy moving on ahead at breakneck speed, living it up. For now. Til I hit a reality checkpoint, and then it's back to work! But til then, lapping it up! I still wish for something more fulfilling, something visceral and tangible that I can feel, but it all takes time I guess.
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