|
|
| |
|
 |
| |
Monday, October 17, 2005
"Oh God! There's nothing we can do. What can we do..."Isn't it ironic when you're sitting at home in succession for a full 7 days, when it has been nothing short of glorious sunshine outside and you're seated in front of your laptop, and you're facing the full-paned window that stretches from the floor to the ceiling and you can just imagine the radiant sunshine striking your skin when you're writing an essay on the futility of the human condition and how Man is ultimately alone in his solitude and his futile quest against the oppressions of the society that governs him, and the one thing that Man fundamentally fears is death? So why do we fear failing our essays, not meeting datelines and getting caught for plagiarism? Shouldn't we be out enjoying life and living it up when that's the very thing that we are writing about at the very moment in time?Ahhh, the bitter-sweetness of such irony. Brings a smile to my face despite the darkness looming in my academic horizon. I love you Ionesco."What good are bullets against the resistance of an infinitely stubborn will!"
Monday, October 10, 2005
Ahhhh Murphy, Murphy, Murphy... Darling Murphy. You and I go wayyyyyy back don't we? I can't count all the times when you've come along and thwarted things and given me a kick in the behind and sent me tumbling back to square one just when I thought I had a foot in things. Ain't it lovely how we always end up with our faces in mud and it feels as if the world's just standing a mere metre away, laughing at us and snickering, one hand on her mouth, the other hand extended with a jeering finger aimed in our direction. How pathetic, you think. But it's true, however hard you try to deny it, there have been countless such moments, and you just wanna crawl into some hole and just not exist for one day, just to see how the world would function without you. More often than not, it's over some silly insignificant thing. But it's not the tiny view that's affecting you, it's how it fits into the bigger picture and paints an even more disturbing and sad picture of you. It's like how a thousand tiny drops of water fill a cup to the brim and it's that one tiny drop that finally causes it to overflow. At the end of the day, it all adds up. So don't say that this is just one setback, because it is one of many setbacks that have occurred, and will occur in time to come.Where is the justice?????!?~?!~! When will it be my turn to laugh? This is all crap. They say good things come to those that wait. Well, I've been waiting my whole life and still I don't see any sign. I do count my blessings, but sometimes, it just seems a lil tad bit biased and unevenly spread out between the people. Blessed are the meek, they say. Well, Ballocks to that, That's what I say. Spare me the cheap talk, I want something real I can hold and feel and call mine, not some empty promise of future fulfillment.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Right now, I feel like I'm tobboganing down a steep slope, gathering speed as I hurtle past the things around me, heading towards nowhere in a rush. I'm thinking to myself as I pass the stop points around me, that I can always double back and head back up the slope. Of course, the journey upwards is definitely going to be way tougher and strenous then down, but hey, it doesn't seem as if that's one of the main concerns right now, does it? I guess it's like that when you've just finished something that requires your upmost decication to it, and when it's over, you feel like you have your life back again, and you just have to fill it back up to the brim and simply enjoy life. However, there's always the obligations and responsibilities that get lagged behind. Such as schoolwork and financial resources. But honestly, I think I deserve this break. I'm really living it up, and last night wasn't a huge night out, but I really felt connected with what went on, and I didn't have to think about how I had to act and react, or how the people around me were going to perceive me. I was in my own skin again. I would love that to happen more often. Just letting loose and having a bit of fun. On a side note, I realised how uncomfortable I am with compliments. It makes me feel as if I've got a standard to live up to, and I feel really pressurized to live up to that, as if I would be disappointing the people around me if I didn't live up to their expectations of how funny I am.I've got 3 major assignments and a journal due in the next 2 weeks, and I'm still lapping it up, enjoying life, loving the fact that I've now got my Tuesday evenings, Fridays and Sundays back. No more Parade rehearsals, sad but true, but Parade's given me much more than I asked for, and I'm thakful for that. I had the best coffee session on Tuesday, 6 straight hours sitting in the same spot, not budging. Loving it. I should have gotten down to this ages ago. I need the door to be open, the lights turned on, and the welcome mat put out for me before I step through the door, but that's not going to work in the long run sister. I need to start being proactive and start taking risks!!!!!!!!!! Life is a risk itself, don't be a chicken! No good could come out of staying in my safety zone! Easy said, now put that into practice. And she shrinks back into her cubby hole again. But sometimes, it's just not worth the risk. I'm happy just sitting in my toboggan, hurtling down the slope, and if someone comes along and joins me, so there. Otherwise, I'm happy moving on ahead at breakneck speed, living it up. For now. Til I hit a reality checkpoint, and then it's back to work! But til then, lapping it up! I still wish for something more fulfilling, something visceral and tangible that I can feel, but it all takes time I guess.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
If people would just respect themselves and watch themselves a little, then noone would have any reason to detest them, right?I seriously have no idea what people are thinking about sometimes, and this is ironic coming from a girl who woke up at 715am and for some reason thought the clock read 515 even though she DID see 715, and sat staring at the clock for a full 20secs wondering why the clock seemed so odd. Not to mention that it was 715 in the morning, and she thought it was 515 at the evening, and panicked cuz she thought she would miss her audition. Not to forget that she thought her phone was screwed up on daylight savings or something cuz it read 0715hrs, when she thought it should have been 1915hrs. Upon discovering it was really 715, she then proceeded to panic about having already missed her audition, and having only 45mins to bathe, drive, make-up, and donn on her costume for Parade. Then she wondered as to why the Parade stagemanagers did not call her to enquire as to her whereabouts, and so she proceeded to call one of them, who was her good friend, to ask for the time. The phone rang four times before the realisation slowwwwly crept in that it was really morning, and she was in fact, very early for both her audition, and for Parade. Hence, she went back to sleep.That was a seriously creepy 5mins in my life, when I was totally out of it, and I was totally tripping. Who needs weed and cocaine when you've got a mind that toys with you like that? I scare myself silly sometimes.While we're on that topic, I find that I don't know myself anymore. Well, I do, but I'm slowly but steadily letting out my inner demon. I'm slowly morphing into this self-indulgent, antagonist, unforgiving sprite, and it troubles me. The past few days, I've been a monster, and I just don't know where I'm mentally at anymore. I don't want to be this ugly person who snarls and spits and curses and condemns. It's fun, for a while, it's cathartic, it lets me release all the pent up frustration, but after a few days, it starts to get me down, and I start feeling like this huge ugly monster that's trundling down the path, crushing the daffodils underfoot. I think I lack direction, and I seriously need to start finding it. I could blame it all on the stress of production, but I know that's not it. It may be a contributing factor, but it's not the main reason. I'm the main reason. Even just looking back at the recent posts, it's so glaringly obvious that they're so indulgent and self-centered and simply ugly. It's disheartening. I'm becoming like the people around me, incessantly bitching and gossiping, and I don't want that. Not that I think they're not nice people, oh no, they're lovely people, but I just don't want to bitch about others because I don't see the point in doing so. Live and let live. You'll have less things to worry about that way, and you get better karma. Lead me back the right way.I started off wanting to have a lil bitch about the disgusting guy who keeps screwing up every single run of Parade, but ended up with a little conclusive discourse of myself. I like that, it shows I'm still capable of letting go and being a bigger person. I've still got it in me. I can do it.
|
|
 |
|
 | |
|
