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Saturday, October 01, 2005
If people would just respect themselves and watch themselves a little, then noone would have any reason to detest them, right?I seriously have no idea what people are thinking about sometimes, and this is ironic coming from a girl who woke up at 715am and for some reason thought the clock read 515 even though she DID see 715, and sat staring at the clock for a full 20secs wondering why the clock seemed so odd. Not to mention that it was 715 in the morning, and she thought it was 515 at the evening, and panicked cuz she thought she would miss her audition. Not to forget that she thought her phone was screwed up on daylight savings or something cuz it read 0715hrs, when she thought it should have been 1915hrs. Upon discovering it was really 715, she then proceeded to panic about having already missed her audition, and having only 45mins to bathe, drive, make-up, and donn on her costume for Parade. Then she wondered as to why the Parade stagemanagers did not call her to enquire as to her whereabouts, and so she proceeded to call one of them, who was her good friend, to ask for the time. The phone rang four times before the realisation slowwwwly crept in that it was really morning, and she was in fact, very early for both her audition, and for Parade. Hence, she went back to sleep.That was a seriously creepy 5mins in my life, when I was totally out of it, and I was totally tripping. Who needs weed and cocaine when you've got a mind that toys with you like that? I scare myself silly sometimes.While we're on that topic, I find that I don't know myself anymore. Well, I do, but I'm slowly but steadily letting out my inner demon. I'm slowly morphing into this self-indulgent, antagonist, unforgiving sprite, and it troubles me. The past few days, I've been a monster, and I just don't know where I'm mentally at anymore. I don't want to be this ugly person who snarls and spits and curses and condemns. It's fun, for a while, it's cathartic, it lets me release all the pent up frustration, but after a few days, it starts to get me down, and I start feeling like this huge ugly monster that's trundling down the path, crushing the daffodils underfoot. I think I lack direction, and I seriously need to start finding it. I could blame it all on the stress of production, but I know that's not it. It may be a contributing factor, but it's not the main reason. I'm the main reason. Even just looking back at the recent posts, it's so glaringly obvious that they're so indulgent and self-centered and simply ugly. It's disheartening. I'm becoming like the people around me, incessantly bitching and gossiping, and I don't want that. Not that I think they're not nice people, oh no, they're lovely people, but I just don't want to bitch about others because I don't see the point in doing so. Live and let live. You'll have less things to worry about that way, and you get better karma. Lead me back the right way.I started off wanting to have a lil bitch about the disgusting guy who keeps screwing up every single run of Parade, but ended up with a little conclusive discourse of myself. I like that, it shows I'm still capable of letting go and being a bigger person. I've still got it in me. I can do it.
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