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Thursday, September 29, 2005
I don't think I'm a very nice person anymore. I think bad thoughts when I shouldn't, and when everyone else is around me has nasty sentiments regarding something and I share it, I actively portray my nastiness.
I was so close to picking a fight with a cast member today after our final dress run. Not because I'm a bitch or he's a dickhead, which he is, but simply cuz, well... he's a total dickhead. I gaining a bit of a nasty streak. And the worst thing is, I like indulging it. I like being nasty to nasty people. Which shouldn't be the way. But sometimes they really have it coming. I'm wayyyyy past the stage of feeling sorry for him, I've reached the 'just stay the fuck away from me and I'll pretend you don't exist, but if you disagree with me or even think about touching me I will so give you a roundhouse in the testicles' stage. I gave him the attitude today, in front of the full cast, and I refused to hi-five him when we were going down the line hi-fiving everyone. I don't fucking give a damn. He's repulsive, and that's that. We've got two people standing at the top of a structure that is bloody wobbly and the prospect of falling is so high, and you say stupid things like 'it's gotta shake to look believeable'... like seriously, what the fuck are you doing in performing arts? Fucking think mate, Acting = Pretending. Dickhead. If anything is priority number one, that's 'Health and Safety', fuckwit.
That aside, Parade goes on tomorrow. It's been an awesome 4months of rehearsals, tedious at times, but it's all gonna be worth it, it's gonna be a fucking amazing show, and I'm not gonna let any halffuck ruin it. I will make sure everything runs smoothly, and people don't jeopardize the show, or else I swear I will crack it. I don't feel the emotion anymore, it's gone on too long and I'm kinda sick of it ehehe but I do know that I haven't gone thru this much to let this show be a let down. It's going to be amazing. Simply because it's a wonderfully beautiful story, and we owe it to the script and the real people who suffered the injustices nearly a century ago.
And I've got an audition on Friday that I really wanna make an impression in. But I haven't even chosen my monologue. Not to mention that it's Shakespeare, gulp.
But all's good. It's back to uni after this weekend, and essays galore. Back to drudgery. Unless I get into the productions, which will be awesome. But til then.
But all else aside, I'm still relatively happy.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
I am in love right now.With the beautiful people around me, with the wonderful workings of the world.You throw out shit, the shit comes back round to you threefold. Throw out shinnies, and the shinnies come back threefold. Although half the time, 90% of the world is throwing out shit at each other, and more often than not, the shinnies that come back to you are covered in shit. But hey, it's worth it, isn't it? If you don't try and make a difference, and everyone thinks the same way, noone's gonna get any shinnies simply cuz they ain't coming round.I can't wait for Parade to open. It's a beautiful show, and it's wonderfully moving and heartfelt. I can't wait for Friday to come, I wonder what's gonna happen. I can't wait to see Mr N.G again, after so long. I can't wait for the feelings and thoughts that cross my mind cuz I wanna know what the sight of him is gonna rekindle in me, or confirm in me, or strike out in me. I can't wait for all the auditions to be over cuz I wanna know if I'll be staying the summer.I can't wait for one particular audition to be over, cuz I really wanna know if I'll get into it.I can't wait, for the shinnies to hit me.I'm just high, on Life.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
I am very, very, tremendously annoyed right now. Annoyed at myself. At my flaccid niceness. At my stupid inability to say 'No'. At how disgustingly selfish people can be. At how blindingly blatently inconsiderate they can get. At the inefficiency of the system. At the ridiculous rules and regulations of the system. At my own fear and inertia to do anything about it. Instead of doing something, here I am, having a whinge and taking it out upon myself, punishing my body by pigging out on a whole tub of ice cream and then having another whinge about it later on and having to pay for the unhealthiness and extra pounds. Two fucking parking fines in two weeks. What the fuck. It's a fucking stupid idea to have a theatre built in an area that only allows permit parking. Where the hell are the theatregoers expected to park? Under the tree? And they say they support the arts. Right. To top that off, I have officially been in the red in the accounts, and now some stories have to be cooked up bout why the money's been spent so quickly when the truth is that I have been doing nothing but scrimping and saving the past weeks and being fucking drained and tired. Why do people not think about others before they act?? How the hell and I supposed to get my fucking car into the parking space when it's up next to the wall; the driveway is shitarse narrow; and the car next to my alloted space has it's fucking hood sticking out of its fucking space?? Seriously, FUCKING THINK MATE. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY FUCKER LIVING IN THIS FLAT. As if the humungous SUV wasn't enough already. Also, why can't I fucking learn to say 'no'??? It's bloody 9pm, I've an essay due tomoro that I haven't started a single word on, I've finished watching a play that's 2mins away from home, and someone asks if I can drive them home. You fucking say 'no' to them. On a normal day I'd say 'yes' willingly, but seriously, I know public transport is crap on a Sunday night, but I've got a fucking assignment due tomorrow that I haven't started on, and you're asking me if I can drive you all the fucking way home???? That took me all of 40mins, and that's because I was fucking driving like a maniac. Doing 150 on the freeway, that's not cool, but seriously, at least it helps in calming me down and relaxing the nerves, it's cathartic, except for the possibility that I might get pulled over, and get yet another fucking driving speeding fine slapped on top of the existing two parking fines. It's not that I mind driving all the way, but at least a show of gratitude would be good, like offering me petrol money?? Every dickhead around knows petrol prices are sky high, and it's not as if I'm some fucking millionaire's daughter. Jesus. Not that I want the petrol money, it's just the thought that counts, know? Am I like everyone's personal chauffer??? Fucking hell. People are starting to seriously annoy the hell out of me. Myself included. I just wanna go on a rampage and start destroying everyone and everything in sight. Starting with myself first, loading up with ice cream and chocolates and alcohol and tobacco, then moving on to crash and burn with Ryan, and maybe doing more physical damage to myself in the process. Only cuz doing harm to myself means I'm taking it out upon myself, and I don't have to hurt others, cuz I'm a bigtime wuss.Fuck I disgust me.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
"The imaginative artist willy-nilly influences his time. If he understands his responsibility and acts on it - taking the art seriously always, himself never - he can make a contribution equal to, if different from, that of the scientist, the politician, and the jurist." - Herman Wouk, Pulitzer Prize-winning American authorThat's me alright, taking my art seriously(least, I hope it seems so), and never taking myself seriously. Life's too short, learn to laugh at yourself a little. I do, and sometimes, cry a little, because there's just too much sorrow and beauty in this world. To not feel the world you live in would be a horrible injustice to living.I would love to make a difference, to influence and affect the people around me; the world I live in. Even so, I accept that I am merely mortal, and one of a million gazillion people in this world, each unique in their own ways. Some more talented then others, and a handful are simply amazing to be around.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Knowing is better than wondering.Yet how else can I go about trying to know, when I've already posed the question and have gotten a silence as my answer? Does this mean I've already done my part and can therefore say 'I did all that I could and it's now not up to me anymore, I'm merely a pawn that's all part of the larger picture'? Or do I push on and burrow for my answer? Even though that's almost equivalent to unearthing the very ground I stand upon? The stakes are just too big. I can't do it. I've tried, and I've neither succeeded nor failed. It's been an unsatisfactory non-plussed lack of answer. I hate this feeling of being suspended in the middle of nowhere. Makes me vulnerable and helpless.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
When things don't go your way, and you end up sulking and thinking about how wonderful it would be if things turned out the way you wanted them to, only to experience a sudden totally unexpected turn of events which make you think how wonderful it is that things didn't go your way in the first place. Especially when the people in question who turn up unexpectedly are the people whom you care about, and it makes you happy to make them happy. I was sitting at home at midnight, on a Saturday, gently and quietly brewing nasty thoughts in the back of my head because a certain someone didn't reply to my sms, and I wanted to put a hex on him, and other certain people were busy and I wanted to boycott them from my life, and I just couldn't be bothered with anyone else and decided to put on some Michael Buble and get started on sewing that dreaded costume of mine for Parade just to busy my hands with something and get my mind off all depressing stuff, when the phone rang, and my first instinctual thought was: 'Sheesh! Who could be calling at this hour?' However, noone ever calls my home phone, except people who do market surveys and they never call at midnight, and the only other people who call at the most inappropriate times are the parents. And lo and behold, 'twas them on the other line.They were just as surprised to find me at home, as I was at them calling at such a crazy hour. Easy for them, it's 10pm there, but midnight here! But one could hear the satisfaction in their voice, the tenderness and loving ache their voice held, simply because the fact that I was at home at midnight on a Saturday meant that I wasn't **quote** 'out gallivanting' **unquote**What a word, 'gallivanting'. Makes me sound like some ill-tempered ill-natured knight with an ill-gotten agenda from the dark ages. Anyhow, the fact that I didn't get what I want on a Saturday night, and hence I made my parents happy and I got started on my costume, made me realise how the Lord works in such mysterious ways. I felt really glad and satisfied when I went to bed, thinking on the fact that I could reinforce my parents' faith in me, and to lay their doubts of me just partying and not studying or doing some work to rest. I find that as I get older, I really want my parents' approval, not just in the things I do, but I want them to trust me and be happy, and to know that I know my limits and can take care of myself. I want to make them proud of me. I want them to cease worrying about me. I want them to be at peace and happy. But of course, not at the cost of my agony. But ah... I feel like such a good daughter.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Where do you draw the line between where someone's talent ends and their personality begins?? I've got someone up on a pedestal, and I'm in love with him. Least I think I am. I know I'm in love with his amazing talent and his unbelieveable wit and humour. But do I really know him for who he is? I only know the one side of him that I've seen. How do I know if what I'm in love with is not merely his talent, and the sum of his whole? I need to reach an understanding, of him, of my own feelings and conceptions. I need to bring him down to earth, away from the pedestal that I've put him on, so I can see him as a person, a flawed living breathing human being just as I am, and not the unrealistic portrait that I've painted of him in strokes of black and white.
Monday, September 05, 2005
He is beautiful.We look for the qualities that we would love to possess, the qualities that we lack. For the other person to complete us. We project ourselves onto them, and they become an extension of our personalities.If it seems as if I don't ever get angry, then he does not have it in him to hate. I have never seen him lose his cool, get angry, snap at someone, or even vaguely annoyed or irritated. He's always got a glow in his eyes, and they seem like they can see right into you; through you. You can see the passions, the intensity, his desire for life and his art burning in him.His imagination, his creativity, his determination, his zest, his eccentricity, his humour and wit, his amazing talent, his passion, his dedication, his odd sense of everything.His energy is infectious; his space is encompassing. His sincerity is disarming. He is so grounded that I am thrown odd by him. I find myself, and even the others around him, influenced and changed. Such is the extent of his exuberant disposition.We feed off each other's spark and wit, but only on the surface level. We haven't gone deeper, beyond the impersonal. Yet will I still think him as beautiful when he lets me into his mind? Will he still see me in the same light? I'll never know, cuz he's out of my life, unless something happens, and he's written into my life and we cross paths again. Which I desperately hope we do. Right now. Have I ever wanted something so bad? I think I have, but right now, a tiny bit of me is dying with each passing moment. I've learnt and grown so much in the past few days, yet that extension is slowly but steadily diminishing. I thrive on his passion and talent.I want that man.Why do I fear what people would think? Why do I fear what I want? Why is it that I have no qualsm approaching a girl whose company I enjoy, yet I have so many second doubts and fears in wanting to start a conversation with a guy whose mind amazes me? Why am I afraid of what he would perceive from me? I am a hopeless case; I'm at a hopeless loss.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
To repeat for the third time today, 'I'm BACK!!!!'Yes, all that depression has been neatly folded and stack in the back of the wardrobe, waiting to surface again some time later on, further down the road, but for now, good ol' Daphne's back in action. Not to say that I don't still occasionally feel that odd bout of downness, but I'm keeping it all in check.Go Rhinoceros!Everyday we progress a bit further up that road to the peak, and everyday I'm having a bit more fun that the previous day. Very soon, this will all be over, to be precise, in 3 days, but right now, I'm basking in it. I love this. Performing, having fun. It's awesome.I'm gonna miss this, this hustle bustle, the purposefulness I have every day, in knowing that there's something to look forward to in the evenings. I don't wanna take a step back into the old routine of coming home and cooking dinner in a quiet flat. I wanna be in the theatre, waiting backstage; dancing to the french horn; whispering and mucking around in the dark; cracking obscene dirty jokes; talking about deep stuff; just chilling and having a lil chat and goss session in the dirt and grim; scooting off during the interval for a beer; smoking a joint in the fucking freezing rain; playing fun warmup games and feeling each others' energy; getting to know you; admiring talent when it's being put onstage; getting home and removing the mask of the show and feeling like I've done what I was destined to do today and going to bed feeling uselful. I don't wanna have to go back to drabness. But oh, such is the way things are. I can't wait to start getting real roles and doing real shows. But well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Making a conscious effort to grab every moment by the balls and living it up. That's the way it should be done.
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