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Sunday, August 28, 2005
I have reached a new low.What is with these obsessions? For the first time in my life, I'm actually pondering the possibility of manic depression. It sounds absurd. But then again, so is life.The past few days have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. Not by the hand of anyone or anything else, but by my own thoughts. I seem to have lost interest in the things that once ignited that spark in me. Nothing real seems to excite me anymore. The wildest fantasies make me crazy with passion, but they exist only in the land of my obsessions, and can never materialise. Yet these are the very things that fuel me with desire and drive me up the wall with intense desperation. I'm gradually losing interest in reality, and craving for my dreams to take place. And simply because these dreams are totally impossible, the knowledge of never attaining them makes me insanely upset. What is wrong with me? Where is my mind going? I crave something I know is out of my reach and totally not my cup of tea, yet why do I still want it? Just WHY am I fucking up my own mind?What is my existence, but an illusive hologram?I don't want to turn into a self-indulgent depressive freak who only thinks about her own problems. There are larger issues at hand. Yet I find myself turning more and more towards that path of indulgence. Someone seal off that pathway, it's not doing me any good. I need help.
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