The current mood of dyseluxon@hotmail.com at www.imood.com

 
The Big Bag of Random Stuff
 

 
We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Saturday, August 27, 2005
 
I am in love.
I'm in love with life. With what Life has to offer. With talent. With the talent that I can offer. With the cast and crew of Rhinoceros. With the talented cast of Rhinoceros. With humour and wit. With humility. With how beautiful people can be.

Or maybe it's just the Carlton Draught and Kahlau talking. Being around such talented, funny, and humble people is simply an amazing trip. I am intoxicated.

Yesterday was the opening night of Rhinoceros, and it went so good, considering we hadn't had a full run. Maybe I'm too tired to be excited, or maybe I'm losing the rush of performing, but I ain't feeling the heart-pumping experience. Maybe I'm just getting into the hang of things. But it's good, helps to settle me. An actor should always be calm and in control of themselves, and not riding on the waves of adrenaline and counting on that for energy.

Despite all that, it's been a crazy crazy week. The broccoli in the fridge is rotting simply because I haven't had the time to cook at home ehehe How lovely.

To be extremely talented, eccentric, funny, humble, polite, considerate, and grounded. How amazing is that? I'm so swimming in all that right now. Not the conventional ideal partner, but how often do you find someone like that? Screw materialistic needs and luxury. Let me indulge in my artiste's dream and fantasy for a minute. It's fun to be poor and happy. Least, in the short term.

I love this show. It's been an awesome 2 nights of the show; 2 down, 6 to go. All good things must end, how tragic. But for now, I'm revelling in it. I'm drunk on emotion. I'm in love with all the beautiful people that surround me. One very talented person in particular. Wow. I'm blown away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

22 August, 1155hrs

There is beauty in everything.
Even in the blazing glare of a massive inferno.
The morbid fascination in something wretched and distorted.
The beauty in destruction, for it is in destruction that there entails creation.
The beauty of fall. The peotic rhythms of the yellow leaves drifting, spiralling, wafting aimlessly towards their destination. The turbulence of the chasing leaves caught up in a gale.

There is beauty in sadness.
A sense of closure
The bittersweet quality of an ending, of something being taken.

The delight in sorror, of having something wrenched from your grasp.

I want to shut that door.
To distance myself, to immunize my heart, to desensitize my mind, to not feel the sorrow and anguish that goes on around me.
I want to shut my emotional eye.
To understand and feel something from an intellectual point of view and think, to Feel coherently, and not be reduced to a blubbering mass of tears and snot.
I need to master my feelings. If I can't even control how I react physically to my emotions, how can I be in control of my being on the whole?

I need space. Space. Away from what's going on around me. Away from the world. To breathe, and to just be. Without having to think about how to react to whatever. To drop the roles that the world knows as "Daphne". To shed the layers and masks and pretenses. Crudely and selfishly speaking, to not give a damn about anything. Enough with being nice and humane and politically correct. To not think about anything or anyone for just one day.
That would be good.

 

 
   
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