|
|
| |
|
 |
| |
Sunday, August 28, 2005
I have reached a new low.What is with these obsessions? For the first time in my life, I'm actually pondering the possibility of manic depression. It sounds absurd. But then again, so is life.The past few days have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. Not by the hand of anyone or anything else, but by my own thoughts. I seem to have lost interest in the things that once ignited that spark in me. Nothing real seems to excite me anymore. The wildest fantasies make me crazy with passion, but they exist only in the land of my obsessions, and can never materialise. Yet these are the very things that fuel me with desire and drive me up the wall with intense desperation. I'm gradually losing interest in reality, and craving for my dreams to take place. And simply because these dreams are totally impossible, the knowledge of never attaining them makes me insanely upset. What is wrong with me? Where is my mind going? I crave something I know is out of my reach and totally not my cup of tea, yet why do I still want it? Just WHY am I fucking up my own mind?What is my existence, but an illusive hologram?I don't want to turn into a self-indulgent depressive freak who only thinks about her own problems. There are larger issues at hand. Yet I find myself turning more and more towards that path of indulgence. Someone seal off that pathway, it's not doing me any good. I need help.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
I am in love.I'm in love with life. With what Life has to offer. With talent. With the talent that I can offer. With the cast and crew of Rhinoceros. With the talented cast of Rhinoceros. With humour and wit. With humility. With how beautiful people can be.Or maybe it's just the Carlton Draught and Kahlau talking. Being around such talented, funny, and humble people is simply an amazing trip. I am intoxicated. Yesterday was the opening night of Rhinoceros, and it went so good, considering we hadn't had a full run. Maybe I'm too tired to be excited, or maybe I'm losing the rush of performing, but I ain't feeling the heart-pumping experience. Maybe I'm just getting into the hang of things. But it's good, helps to settle me. An actor should always be calm and in control of themselves, and not riding on the waves of adrenaline and counting on that for energy.Despite all that, it's been a crazy crazy week. The broccoli in the fridge is rotting simply because I haven't had the time to cook at home ehehe How lovely.To be extremely talented, eccentric, funny, humble, polite, considerate, and grounded. How amazing is that? I'm so swimming in all that right now. Not the conventional ideal partner, but how often do you find someone like that? Screw materialistic needs and luxury. Let me indulge in my artiste's dream and fantasy for a minute. It's fun to be poor and happy. Least, in the short term. I love this show. It's been an awesome 2 nights of the show; 2 down, 6 to go. All good things must end, how tragic. But for now, I'm revelling in it. I'm drunk on emotion. I'm in love with all the beautiful people that surround me. One very talented person in particular. Wow. I'm blown away.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~22 August, 1155hrsThere is beauty in everything.Even in the blazing glare of a massive inferno.The morbid fascination in something wretched and distorted.The beauty in destruction, for it is in destruction that there entails creation.The beauty of fall. The peotic rhythms of the yellow leaves drifting, spiralling, wafting aimlessly towards their destination. The turbulence of the chasing leaves caught up in a gale.There is beauty in sadness.A sense of closureThe bittersweet quality of an ending, of something being taken.The delight in sorror, of having something wrenched from your grasp.I want to shut that door.To distance myself, to immunize my heart, to desensitize my mind, to not feel the sorrow and anguish that goes on around me.I want to shut my emotional eye.To understand and feel something from an intellectual point of view and think, to Feel coherently, and not be reduced to a blubbering mass of tears and snot.I need to master my feelings. If I can't even control how I react physically to my emotions, how can I be in control of my being on the whole?I need space. Space. Away from what's going on around me. Away from the world. To breathe, and to just be. Without having to think about how to react to whatever. To drop the roles that the world knows as "Daphne". To shed the layers and masks and pretenses. Crudely and selfishly speaking, to not give a damn about anything. Enough with being nice and humane and politically correct. To not think about anything or anyone for just one day. That would be good.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
How can I want someone to understand me when I can't even begin to understand myself or know what I want?
Sunday, August 14, 2005
still trying to get my hands on the fleeting shadows that consistently elude meIn praise of the things that I seek,She used to look good to meBut now I find herSimply irresistible'Simply Irresistible' - Robert Palmer
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Hamartia
Every hero has his fatal flaw: Agamemnon had his pride, Achilleus had his anger, Odysseus had his scheming mind. Me? I have Greed. I want it all, I do. The me of yesteryear would spit at the feet of the me now. All that talk of living for my art and for love, money not mattering to me, not falling prey to materialism and consumerism... That's all gone now. Today a Porsche Carrera zoomed past on the freeway and I ached to catch up with it. Keeping half an eye on it while it was 2 cars ahead, and a slight triumphant smile surfaced on overtaking it, congratulating myself on my good driving skills. As the Carrera pulled up alongside, a sideward glance revealed an Asian dude taking a drag from his ciggie. The heart palpitations increased. What exactly am I doing to myself? To what degree is this obssession to get to? If someone buys me a Maserati, I'd be putty. Not for who he is, but for what he has. A friend commented that I'm high maintenance, I didn't use to think so, but lately, I'm starting to see his point. Where is the harm in wanting to be pampered and not have to worry incessantly about making ends meet? Doesn't everyone want to live in luxury and abundance? It's not as if I'd look down on others or keep all the wealth to myself, I'd share my wealth, support a kid in a third world country, make frequent donations. So why am I ashamed of this materialism that fills my being?
Independence
Everyone's got to learn how to stand on their own eventually, and the last three days have been good. It's amazing how we tend to take the people closest to us for granted. And how we miss the inconveniences we used to complain about. Being independent's more than just a physical state of being, it's a mental state of mind. The next 6 weeks are going to be a challenge, being on my own for the first time ever, not having any friends or family close at hand to fall back on, this is going to be one helluva ride, and I'm gonna emerge victorious, knowing that I can count on Him to hold my hand and guide me through this trial.
|
|
 |
|
 | |
|
