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Saturday, July 16, 2005
Just to set the record straight, I think the guy I have a crush on has a crush on my friend. So all the people that I've gushed to about him, tis the end of the road for my gushing sessions, heheh, it doesn't mean I don't still find him hot, hell no, he's divine, but well, it's just the way the cookie crumbles! And please, don't feel sorry for me or whatever, cuz I don't feel sorry for myself! I'm just re-discovering myself and trudging along the long and winding road of life. I've come to the realisation that finding a partner is about compromise and acceptance, and I don't think I'm searching for the right thing. I'm looking for someone to fit the mold I've got somewhere in my subconscious, and I don't think I'm ready to accept the cruel truth that people have flaws, and that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with is imperfect. And that in his eyes, I am imperfect too. I think the same goes with friends. When it comes to getting to know people, it seems as if all's hunky-dory, but like a butterfly that flits from flower to flower sucking on the nectar, I find that after a short period of acquaintance with someone, it seems as if conversation comes less easily, and I'll eventually find someone else new, and the cycle repeats. Is it just me? Why does it seem that other people can find close friends so easily, yet I'm plagued with this problem? And it doesn't help the matter that I feel like such a deserter when I get closer to some other friends and drift from the initial group of friends. It shits me that I feel this way. Is it my nature? Or have I just not found the right group of people that I can sufficiently connect with?But all aside,I am happy.Maybe 'happy' isn't the right word to use. Shall I say 'content' instead? The past few weeks have been good. God, nature, and people have been more than kind to me. But I'm afraid that the old cycle will kick in again, and I'll feel the need to find something more to fulfill my lack of contentment with what I currently hold. Maybe Hannibal Lecter is right, our greatest sin is that we covet. Everyday, we covet what we see. More so in the past weeks than in the previous months, I've shed the chrysalis that I placed myself in, and am more willing to reveal the me that I so desperately want people to accept, but fear that that would set me apart, not in a good way. Maybe it's the friendly aid of my old pal, vodka, or maybe not, but I want to be different, yet not so different that I am not accepted. I want to be one with the masses, eek. What's wrong with me. But for now, I'm working on it, I'm trying to be myself, and not worry or care what others think. I shall dazzle some, while others might want to empty a shotgun through my skull cavity, but whatever. To each his own.But at this moment in time, I am sufficiently happy.
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