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Saturday, July 30, 2005
Wishing, and Hoping, and Thinking, and Praying.It's 11.10am on a Saturday morning and I'm seated at the entrance of my uni library, choosing to blog because the main collection isn't open and I can't borrow the play I want to learn my monologue from for my audition on Tuesday. But why am I here in the first place? More importantly, I have a dance audition for RENT in 49mins. And most importantly, I just concluded my singing audition 6mins ago, and it was shit. I've said this before and I shall say it again and a million more times to come, I hate auditions(which isn't a very good thing, considering the career I wanna get into). As I pause between words to type this post, my fingers are still shaking from my nervousness. Needless to say, I screwed up my audition. I had to request to restart my song cuz I was totally off, and I forgot my lyrics. My only tiny tinge of hope in the distant horizon is that I vaguely saw the music director nod at my strong bit (which wasn't as strong as I had hoped it would be) from the corner of my eye. But it's a huge musical, and there're countless aspiring actors who wanna be in it. I wasn't asked do to the scales with them, and I can only read it as a bad sign. They don't wanna know my range. I could go on, but I shan't. I should stop wallowing. Anyhow, the dance audition's coming up later, there's that to look forward to, though there're many others auditioning too who've got dance backgrounds. My one saving grace: dance. How ironic, considering I always preferred singing to dancing cuz singing's less tedious. How wrong I was. Maybe I should say this is all just wishful thinking on my part. But hope is always a good thing, it keeps us going and pushes us onward inspite of adversity. My big hopes were pinned on today's audutions. Being able to screw up the audition I totally prepared for, I'm sure I shall have no problems screwing up the other audition I'm so totally unprepared. Maybe I should just go into architecture. Things'll be easier and less problematic. Hell, it's even easier to get a PR with that. Pffft.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Just to set the record straight, I think the guy I have a crush on has a crush on my friend. So all the people that I've gushed to about him, tis the end of the road for my gushing sessions, heheh, it doesn't mean I don't still find him hot, hell no, he's divine, but well, it's just the way the cookie crumbles! And please, don't feel sorry for me or whatever, cuz I don't feel sorry for myself! I'm just re-discovering myself and trudging along the long and winding road of life. I've come to the realisation that finding a partner is about compromise and acceptance, and I don't think I'm searching for the right thing. I'm looking for someone to fit the mold I've got somewhere in my subconscious, and I don't think I'm ready to accept the cruel truth that people have flaws, and that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with is imperfect. And that in his eyes, I am imperfect too. I think the same goes with friends. When it comes to getting to know people, it seems as if all's hunky-dory, but like a butterfly that flits from flower to flower sucking on the nectar, I find that after a short period of acquaintance with someone, it seems as if conversation comes less easily, and I'll eventually find someone else new, and the cycle repeats. Is it just me? Why does it seem that other people can find close friends so easily, yet I'm plagued with this problem? And it doesn't help the matter that I feel like such a deserter when I get closer to some other friends and drift from the initial group of friends. It shits me that I feel this way. Is it my nature? Or have I just not found the right group of people that I can sufficiently connect with?But all aside,I am happy.Maybe 'happy' isn't the right word to use. Shall I say 'content' instead? The past few weeks have been good. God, nature, and people have been more than kind to me. But I'm afraid that the old cycle will kick in again, and I'll feel the need to find something more to fulfill my lack of contentment with what I currently hold. Maybe Hannibal Lecter is right, our greatest sin is that we covet. Everyday, we covet what we see. More so in the past weeks than in the previous months, I've shed the chrysalis that I placed myself in, and am more willing to reveal the me that I so desperately want people to accept, but fear that that would set me apart, not in a good way. Maybe it's the friendly aid of my old pal, vodka, or maybe not, but I want to be different, yet not so different that I am not accepted. I want to be one with the masses, eek. What's wrong with me. But for now, I'm working on it, I'm trying to be myself, and not worry or care what others think. I shall dazzle some, while others might want to empty a shotgun through my skull cavity, but whatever. To each his own.But at this moment in time, I am sufficiently happy.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
When was the last time I gushed? Seriously can't remember... was it that long ago? Am I practising such good self-restraint or is it simply cuz there isn't anything to gush about? I reckon it's a bit of both, hopefully... hmmm......... Somehow a good night out is always followed by a guilty night in. There's nothing wrong with having some fun with mates and getting to know the shy people in the musical, getting pissed, then stumbling over a couple of people and getting phantom bruises, so why do I feel as if I did something bad? The hangover should be punishment enough, so why the guilt trip? Or is the guilt trip a result of the hangover? Or does alcohol simply do funny things to my brain, aside from the fact that I get missing chunks of memory of the previous night. Like how did I walk out from the pub to the carpark? I only remember someone saying the place was closing, and the next thing I knew I was falling down on the carpark... very unglamourous. And while we're at it, how about claiming the guy cleared my glass when it still had drink in it, when it was actually already empty? And the clincher: calling the guy I have a massive crush on by his mate's name... H o w e m b a r r a s s i n g i s t h a t ? Okie, pushing all the negative thoughts aside now.... I can only hope I didn't make an utter knob of myself, and we know how likely I am to have done so... Sigh... Now we know why people don't normally drink in the courtrooms, or right before they take their wedding vows... well, some people might, you never know... That's food for thought.
Anyhow, since we're on the topic of the crush, and on gushing... indulgence is good, once in a longggg while, and I shall indulge. Had an epiphany on why Singaporeans are such antagonistic unhappy people, and how we can make this world a better place, but I'm really not in the mood for serious stuff, so that's gotta wait. This is gonna be a random recollection of thoughts/verbal diarrhoea kinda thing, so here goes!
During one rehearsal, a friend commented that I smelt like something, can't remember what, it wasn't bad or anything, just a passing comment, OH! I think she said I smelt like mint or something, possibly mint, and the crush, who shall remain anonymous for the sake of my shy shy self, commented 'Really? I think she smells like strawberries.' At that point in time I thought absolutely nothing of it, but now, since I'm gushing and sitting in my corner and thinking about whether I embarrassed myself yesterday, random memories pop into mind, and I had thought nothing of that, til it resurfaced in my life 2 seconds ago, and I actually realised that that was such a sweet sweet thing to say!!!!! And he didn't say it in a sleazy kinda way, he said it in an earnest matter-of-fact way... How endearing!!! And yesterday at the pub, he kept getting me to laugh cuz he likes my laugh ***squeal*** But I must admit, I was laughing very loudly and for no reason at all, no thanks to Mr. double-shot-vodka-redbull... and I think I was laughing so loud and talking so loud I popped my own ears... countless times... It's a clincher I swear... Besides making me laugh, he also kept asking me to raise my eyebrows individually one after the other... I'm like his human exhibit, sheesh! Plus we got over his fear of velvet HAHAHAHHAHAH so he would randomly touch the arm of my velvet jumper cuz he's got this thing about touching velvet; it makes him cringe... eheh so cute! And an old student was there and we were talking about a performance he did that I saw and I threw out a random terminology, and the crush goes 'Yeah Daphne knows everything, she knows her stuff'... not in a sarcastic way, but in a, again, matter-of-fact way... almost as if aiming to please... hmmm... cuz the first time we spoke was before an audition for Rhinoceros, and I enlightened him on e fact that Eugene Ionesco was a Frenchman who's currently dead, and not a student currently studying in Monash University, ahem... (that was a huge turn off initially, he lost like 25 brownie points) so yeap... That's my spiel for today... OH one more thing, he laughs like a muppet ehehehehehehheehehhehe in a good way... he's such a doll... I should really stop... the more I go the more intense I get... And it's seriously driving me nuts... Okie, I reckon anyone who normally reads this blog would have had a convulsive fit by now and wonder if some alien's actually usurped Daphne's body and is typing with her fingers... Well, you could be right, I wouldn't know, ain't in the right frame of mind to make any decisions, ha... I reckon when I read the stuff I typed, I would gag on my own... eeekiness... for lack of a better word, ahem... it's so... ditzy
But hell, everyday dog has its day, every ditz has hers too! To ditzes!!! CLINK!!
Sunday, July 03, 2005
With nothing to do, I turn on the tv and flick it to ABC. News time. For the next 30mins, all I hear and see is the ugly side of human nature: destruction, desolation, apathy. Why do we still continue this age old war that's ceased to hold any meaning whatsoever? Can't the 'high standing intellectual' people see that nothing is being gained from this blind madness? On the bigger scale: war. On the smaller scale: racism. Or is it the other way round? Same difference. If there wasn't war, I would be a much happier person, I really would. This isn't some Miss Universe 'world peace' mass declaration website. No one is judging me for what I put to this screen, least I didn't authorise anyone to. The lack of mass pointless suffering does point in the direction of mankind encompassing grace, and that reassures me that all will turn out okay. But that's not the situation around us today. I closed my eyes, drew back the curtainTo see for certain what I thought I knewFar far away, someone was weepingBut the world was sleepingAny dream will doAnd in the east, the dawn was breakingAnd the world was wakingAny dream will doMay I return to the beginningThe light is dimming, and the dream is tooThe world and I, we are still waitingStill hesitatingAny dream will doOn a slightly lighter note (I hesitate to call this light... if anything, it's pathetic, that's what it is), James Taylor croons in my ear, and I feel his words reverberating like a prepubescent catholic schoolgirl's shrill shriek in my tiny palpitating heart. Everyday it's getting closerGoing faster than a roller coasterA love like yours would surely come my wayEverday seems a little fasterAll my friends they say go on up and ask herA love like yours would surely come my wayEveryday it seems a little stronger
Everyday it lasts a little longerCome what may do you ever long forTrue love from meLike I long for you babyChristian Bale is one helluva actor........ For a 6foot 3inch tall man to shed the kilos til he's standing at 55kg, with his vertebrae stabbing the person standing behind him and his rib cage looking like a lion's steel cage tipped on its side with a concave where his digestive system should be, is nothing short of dedication. Then pile on another 45kg in 6months and buff up like a Greek god craved from ivory. That's intense. I'm not totally a convert yet, but I'm getting there. I'm just one film short of being a full-blown Christian Bale convert. Step aside Edward Norton, I'm with Christian now. Sleep deprived hallucinatory walking skeletons and narcissistic mental cases. American Psycho, here I come.* Right, so on top of being melancholy and depressive, I am also obsessive, delusional, psychotic, and a stalker.Man I'm gonna be such a hit with the boys.
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