The current mood of dyseluxon@hotmail.com at www.imood.com

 
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We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Saturday, June 25, 2005
 
I think I'm beginning to understand the desperation and fear that some people experience that drives them to do drastic and uncharacteristic things which irritate the people around them. I say 'I'm beginning' because I don't think I can say I fully grasp the concept and comprehend the thoughts that travel through their minds, but sitting at home on a Saturday night at 1144pm with nothing to do but sit in front of the computer, I think I could catch a wisp of that desperation of thought. I want to call someone but the frightened little naive child inside me is revolting profusely against it. Yet the me that's starting to break loose of the former shell wants to attempt to take a step forward in mild trepidation. The end result is a torn person who's very restless and dissatisfied.

I can give excuses and tell myself that I'm staying in to read, and conversely, reading does not open up my mind to larger issues outside of myself and take beyond my histrionism. In fact, it is in reading that I close in on myelf, on my thoughts and how they relate to my surroundings, and how everything that I'm feeling and thinking is magnified tenfold and presented to me in the landscape of my mind. It is impossible to be swept away by sheer words on a page, because those words conjure up an image that exists in the mind, your mind, and there is no way out from there.

I apologise if this sounds all wanky and self-indulgent, but then again, wait a minute, this is my blog, and I can jolly well indulge all I want and write whatever I please. I'm sick of always complying to other people's wishes, and compromising myself for the people around me. Sometimes, it would be nice to just melt away for a while, to reconfigure myself. Why do I have to do what society thinks is right, and I think is appropriate? I'm sick of myself, me and my rigidity. Society and people, I can shake free. It is myself that I can't shake free of, and that's what torments me the most. Why do I bother what I think of myself? I am constantly evolving and changing, be it for better or worse. But why do I still cling on to obsolete ideals that were set in the plaster of my mind ages ago? Back when things were simpler easier, and I was simpler and truer to myself.

I think I'm my greatest enemy. I'm my greatest stumbling block.

 

 
   
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