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Saturday, June 25, 2005
I think I'm beginning to understand the desperation and fear that some people experience that drives them to do drastic and uncharacteristic things which irritate the people around them. I say 'I'm beginning' because I don't think I can say I fully grasp the concept and comprehend the thoughts that travel through their minds, but sitting at home on a Saturday night at 1144pm with nothing to do but sit in front of the computer, I think I could catch a wisp of that desperation of thought. I want to call someone but the frightened little naive child inside me is revolting profusely against it. Yet the me that's starting to break loose of the former shell wants to attempt to take a step forward in mild trepidation. The end result is a torn person who's very restless and dissatisfied. I can give excuses and tell myself that I'm staying in to read, and conversely, reading does not open up my mind to larger issues outside of myself and take beyond my histrionism. In fact, it is in reading that I close in on myelf, on my thoughts and how they relate to my surroundings, and how everything that I'm feeling and thinking is magnified tenfold and presented to me in the landscape of my mind. It is impossible to be swept away by sheer words on a page, because those words conjure up an image that exists in the mind, your mind, and there is no way out from there.I apologise if this sounds all wanky and self-indulgent, but then again, wait a minute, this is my blog, and I can jolly well indulge all I want and write whatever I please. I'm sick of always complying to other people's wishes, and compromising myself for the people around me. Sometimes, it would be nice to just melt away for a while, to reconfigure myself. Why do I have to do what society thinks is right, and I think is appropriate? I'm sick of myself, me and my rigidity. Society and people, I can shake free. It is myself that I can't shake free of, and that's what torments me the most. Why do I bother what I think of myself? I am constantly evolving and changing, be it for better or worse. But why do I still cling on to obsolete ideals that were set in the plaster of my mind ages ago? Back when things were simpler easier, and I was simpler and truer to myself.I think I'm my greatest enemy. I'm my greatest stumbling block.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Would the world be a better place if we all gave in to our desires and feelings? Or does practising restrain make us better people? I, for one, have been practising restrain on myself that I fear I am about to burst wide open and pummel the world with my beating heart. Who create the social rules that we live by today? And why do we have to live by certain unspoken rules? What makes desire bad when technically, it should be a good thing? Does giving in to our desires make us weaker people? Are we made stronger by resisting our urges and placing ourselves on the other side of the river? What does distancing do to us, besides making us less connected as humans, and making us colder people. It's all a delicate balance, a fine line, and I don't think anyone in the whole course of history ever managed it well. We all either tether to the one or the other side. 'Tis human nature. We are imperfect, and any attempt at perfection only drives us further into imperfection. Nietzsche thinks so, and so do I. You don't get angry do you?In a recollection of memories, someone once said that to me in the not-too-distant past. And being the bathroom philosopher that I am, I discoursed with myself that there exist two kinds of people in the world: happy people, and unhappy people. And I being to the latter. Regardless of how people perceive me, or how I put up a front, I do think think that ultimately, (I think) I am intrinsically unhappy. Angry people are unhappy people and they blame others for their unhappiness. Sad people are unhappy people, and they blame their own inadequacies for their their own unhappiness. Ultimately, life to me is........... a quest for fulfilment. Fulfilment of my desires, and attaining answers to questions that plague me. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. Maybe I'm giving myself far too much credit than I deserve. Either way, it's dinner time, and I'm hungry. Hungry for food, thirsty for answers. But the latter's not gonna come to me is it?Thought not.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
TrustHow easy is it to destroy in an instant something that was built up over an extended period of time? It's a complex, ungraspable concept that plagues us all. In the span of one night, two people cheated on, four people people cheated themselves, and three people were accomplices to the cheats. How can I trust someone when I can't even find an example of trust in my life? How can I trust someone when I can't even trust myself to trust myself? It's scary when you witness, let alone participate in, the degradation of someone's worth in your eyes. Someone whom you held in regard, and seeing them tumble down from the pedestal you put them on. It shouldn't be a shocker; we are human after all, and humans are made to err, are we not? Yet it really shakes you up, and I find myself struggling to come to terms with myself; my place in the bigger plan of action; and the whole inevitability of things and the uncertainty in our lifes. Our life is not in our hands, we think it is, but it really isn't. Nothing is. It's all unreal, yet concrete.It seems that in the moments when we are physically connected to the people around us, it feels like we're actually emotionally further away. How can you connect with people on a deeper level when you're all cramped together in a physical space? It's a whole concept that hasn't taken place in my mind.This struggling... it's good, I guess. Helps me come to terms with myself and my surroundings. The world and its surprises. My life and its uncertainties.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Into The Woods
The prospect of sitting around on my bum for the next six weeks with no uni and no job, nothing to do aside from the weekly singing classes and weekly Friday morning rehearsals, going to the gym, reading and going out, has not set in yet. Rather, I am still caught up in the hustle of trying to finish (but of course, to finish one must start first, ahem) my last essay of the semester, getting mentally prepared for the last performance of the semester, and tying up loose ends on my unit enrolments and talking to a course advisor about it. When Monday morning finally hits, I shall feel the huge blanket of time settle itself over me, and then will I begin to grasp the concept. But in the meantime, a 1000-word critique on a previous performance based on Ovid's Metamorphoses awaits me in my lap, and Haruki Murakami takes a step back onto the bookshelf. The Parade script, sheet music and soundtrack sit anticipatingly on my desk, along with 'homework' on character.
I wish...
I wish...
I wish...
That I had a real role in a real production. And I was in on the loop on it all. Settling for less, I wish I had gotten a role in Student Theatre's The Rhinoceros, but I've still got a week to wish for that before I know for sure. Also, that I could just find out a bit more of the mysterious, yet mischievious Mr Mercury character who's so charming... and teasing. "Trouble trouble... I've heard about you..." What was that all about? Hmmm, we'll see. Isn't it true that we always crave for what we can't have, or don't have? And when we do get our hands on it, we start finding fault with it? Ah, the inconsistencies and fickleness of human nature. Sondheim told it well.
Agony!
Beyond power of speech,
When the one thing you want
Is the only thing out of your reach.
Agony!
Oh the torture they teach!
What's as intriguing-
Or half as fatiguing-
As what's out of reach?
Agony!
Misery!
Woe!
Though it's different for each.
Agony!
No frustration more keen,
When the one thing you want
Is a thing you've not even seen.
Agony!
Misery!
Woe!
Not to know what you miss.
What unmistakable agony!
Is the way always barred?
Meanwhile, I wish... you were here with me 
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