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Sunday, May 22, 2005
Is this yet another phase?The need to discover. The need to explore. The need to be something more. To make a difference. To change myself and evolve, and to impact my surroundings.I need something: vague concrete abstract immaterial visceral, I don't know. To fill the void within.In the overbearing company I stand alone and distant, detached, from the familiar. There surfaces the strife to reach up and out of the stagnancy of the situation. Perhaps that is what rehearsing and performing do for me: they take my essence out of my being and I grow laterally, expanding into different facets of my humanity that I'm unable to reach on my own on a daily level. It allows the discovery of something other than myself.The isolation is liberating, yet suffocating at the same time. Why do we conform to norms and bother what society thinks of us? Do each of us, ultimately, cave in to the sheep within us? Yet the thought of being a faceless person in the crowd is so terrifying I dare not even think of its plausibility.Connection is what is lacking. The opening of the soul and the mingling of thoughts. Perhaps no one in this world could ever understand me better than I do. And I can't even begin to conceive an understanding of myself. The complexity of thought. The fickleness of the feelings. And the simple inconsistencies of being make it so inscrutible.Perhaps tomorrow I shall look back and not understand a single world of what I just said. But til then, tis all valid and viable.20th May0014hrs
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