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Saturday, May 28, 2005
Yet when you think about it, the transcendence of things doesn't matter much anymore, does it? Here. There. Now. Later. Soon. Never. What sets the one apart from the other? It's all merely nothing but a matter of perception and relativism. Yet it's the strings that run deeper under the layer of illusion that mean more than simply a good time out or being physically together. It's the vibes that transmit from one corner of the globe to the other, saying 'You matter to me', that mean so much more than the mere experience of feeling someone next to you. They could be hearing, but not listening. To truly listen, the ears do nothing, but the heart opens itself up and sheds its insecurities. Like water from a tap, constantly dripping into an empty cup, my cup has overflowed with the accumulation of time, and things have changed. I cannot simply tolerate as I used to, and the blind eye has been lost. A loss of innocence perhaps? Or simply not being bothered anymore? When you push someone to their edge, either they rebound, or they fall. In my case, I am slowly and surely rebounding. The fragile balance has been upset and things simply cannot return to the way they were no matter how hard I try or pretend.Trying, and tired of trying. I hope this winter goes well.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Is this yet another phase?The need to discover. The need to explore. The need to be something more. To make a difference. To change myself and evolve, and to impact my surroundings.I need something: vague concrete abstract immaterial visceral, I don't know. To fill the void within.In the overbearing company I stand alone and distant, detached, from the familiar. There surfaces the strife to reach up and out of the stagnancy of the situation. Perhaps that is what rehearsing and performing do for me: they take my essence out of my being and I grow laterally, expanding into different facets of my humanity that I'm unable to reach on my own on a daily level. It allows the discovery of something other than myself.The isolation is liberating, yet suffocating at the same time. Why do we conform to norms and bother what society thinks of us? Do each of us, ultimately, cave in to the sheep within us? Yet the thought of being a faceless person in the crowd is so terrifying I dare not even think of its plausibility.Connection is what is lacking. The opening of the soul and the mingling of thoughts. Perhaps no one in this world could ever understand me better than I do. And I can't even begin to conceive an understanding of myself. The complexity of thought. The fickleness of the feelings. And the simple inconsistencies of being make it so inscrutible.Perhaps tomorrow I shall look back and not understand a single world of what I just said. But til then, tis all valid and viable.20th May0014hrs
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