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We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Thursday, April 28, 2005
 
The one thing that makes me lose all sense of self-consciousness, and takes me to a higher subconscious plane and fills me to the brim with unconscious joy : Acting

In my reality, people do not die. Everyone stays at the age that I know them to be forever. Noone loses anyone to any sickness or unfortunate mishap. In my reality, my parents will live to see me find my special someone and get married, and walk me down the aisle, and witness my babies being born, and be nannies to Daphne Jr. and little Ryan. In my reality, Cezzane will stay old and grouchy, and Astro youthful and mischievous. I will graduate into the world of theatre and be able to get on by working on plays and schoolshows and maybe the occasional musical. I will never have to worry about money and bills, and everything that comes my way will be smoothsailing. No huge obstacles will I tumble over, and I'll lead a happy and slightly uneventful-eventful life.
The people that I met in the theatre while doing my one year stint in 2003 will remember me and love me, and I will have no troubles whatsoever fitting in with them. I will be as lucky as I was then, and manage to get jobs back to back, and never have to worry bout each job being my last. I will build up lasting contacts, and be able to ascend the actor hierarchy through whatever contacts I have accumulated in that one year. I'll be a good actress (I don't have to be fantastic, being good is good enough for me), and have some credibility.
My friends from tsd will all still love me and think I'm wonderful, and I will still find them just as amazing as they were when we slogged our asses off together in those (I could say) best two years of my life. We'll meet up often and still have mindless chatter and heapsload of fun, and we'll party just enough, and all be semi-successful people. We'll still share the same ideals we once had, and bond the way we used to. We'll look our for each other and know we can have each other to count on when shit happens.

That reality just came crashing down upon me.

I just received an email informing me that someone I look up to and learnt a lot from has just passed away this afternoon. It hit me like a brick. Without knowing why, I sobbed. But why? I barely knew him. I had only worked with him before once, even though I did learn a lot from him, and he was a dear old man, and we knew his time wasn't long. Yet the news shocked me. I guess it's the fact that it's someone I actually know and had a semblance of a relationship with that made me react the way I did.
Not that it isn't sad news, it is tremendously sad, for his friends and family, and a terrible loss for the theatre industry to lose a great mind, but life goes on, and when life goes on, it has to end somewhere.

Someday, I will learn to deal with greater issues in life, like death and the blatent injustice we inflict on one another.
Someday, Cezzane and Astro will pass on too, and that day isn't too far off.
Someday, my parents will pass on too, and that will hurt even more so, and will last longer than all grievances, and will affect me in ways I can only imagine.
Someday, I will come to pass too, and when that day comes, I hope that I will have made a positive impact in this world that I so cherish and the people who fill it.

But just for now, I am learning how to deal with the loss of my reality, and the bleakness of the world.

But until then,
For your great and vast mind that I cannot even begin to comprehend.
For leaving your footprints and wisdom in my heart and making me more than I think I am.
For reminding me that I, along with all others that I love, am merely human and fallible.
I salute you, Dr. Krishen Jit.

 

 
   
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