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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I cannot help this ever growing feeling that I am not doing justice to this life that I've got in my hands.I cannot help feeling that there're so many things out there that are perfect for me yet I just don't seem to find them.I constantly do injustice to myself, physically, socially, and mentally.It's this omnipresent feeling of being a leaf in the autumn breeze, drifting aimlessly til I hit the ground and end up amongst the pile of brown leaves, awaiting to be swept away into a dank big black bag.Today during class, we were asked to talk about a certain place in our lives. I thought of the swing sitting in the corner of me front porch back home, and how I would always sit there on good days and read my book while swinging gently, with Astro or Cezzane next to me and wait for me daddy to come home from work. And I started to feel tears well up behind my lying eyes. I willed them back, and as perosn after person spoke of their special place, someone spoke of their home, someone spoke of how her artistic father built a home, and I started to cry. No, I bawled. Ashamed of my fragility, I excused myself to the washroom before anyone could see me cry. Is this a delayed 1 1/2 year reaction?? Am I homesick? I certainly think not. I have my elder brother with me, I am an easily adaptable creature, and I love my freedom. So why am I crying? This is all too soon to speak, but the morbidity of the human mind kicks in and plays a toll on the frailty of the mind. I am petrified of my parents. To be more exact, the thought of my parents passing on and leaving this realm makes me cry like a baby. I cannot accept the light of the situation and I dread the day when it will come to this. I need to accept reality and start living in the real world. I need to embrace Life and stop living in fear. Of death. Of rejection. Of loneliness. Of expectations. Of vulnerability. For it is through these that we can really and truly experience life, and without giving up these fears, I am not doing this life justice, I am holding back its prerogatives from it.I had a big weekend, and it's set me thinking on what it means to be me, and what I'm doing. It's not all conscious thinking, but the feeling of unsettlement that constantly runs through my being and makes me emotional and doubtful of Who and What I am.I need a sense of belonging. At the end of the day, we stand as individuals before our maker, and all that there is in this physical world crumbles to nothingness. Yet I feel the yearning inside me, that longs and craves for someone, something to belong to. I yearn for the feeling of giving myself wholly and utterly to that someone, and know that I will not be let down in any way. I seek peace, yet it evades me like the plague. Maybe I should find my inner peace before seeking for it outside of me. Maybe I've been looking in the wrong places. I need to trust, before Trust sheds its disguise from me. But til then, the void in me engulfs me, and I burn like an amber, in a downward spiral from grace.
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