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Thursday, April 28, 2005
The one thing that makes me lose all sense of self-consciousness, and takes me to a higher subconscious plane and fills me to the brim with unconscious joy : ActingIn my reality, people do not die. Everyone stays at the age that I know them to be forever. Noone loses anyone to any sickness or unfortunate mishap. In my reality, my parents will live to see me find my special someone and get married, and walk me down the aisle, and witness my babies being born, and be nannies to Daphne Jr. and little Ryan. In my reality, Cezzane will stay old and grouchy, and Astro youthful and mischievous. I will graduate into the world of theatre and be able to get on by working on plays and schoolshows and maybe the occasional musical. I will never have to worry about money and bills, and everything that comes my way will be smoothsailing. No huge obstacles will I tumble over, and I'll lead a happy and slightly uneventful-eventful life.
The people that I met in the theatre while doing my one year stint in 2003 will remember me and love me, and I will have no troubles whatsoever fitting in with them. I will be as lucky as I was then, and manage to get jobs back to back, and never have to worry bout each job being my last. I will build up lasting contacts, and be able to ascend the actor hierarchy through whatever contacts I have accumulated in that one year. I'll be a good actress (I don't have to be fantastic, being good is good enough for me), and have some credibility.
My friends from tsd will all still love me and think I'm wonderful, and I will still find them just as amazing as they were when we slogged our asses off together in those (I could say) best two years of my life. We'll meet up often and still have mindless chatter and heapsload of fun, and we'll party just enough, and all be semi-successful people. We'll still share the same ideals we once had, and bond the way we used to. We'll look our for each other and know we can have each other to count on when shit happens.
That reality just came crashing down upon me.
I just received an email informing me that someone I look up to and learnt a lot from has just passed away this afternoon. It hit me like a brick. Without knowing why, I sobbed. But why? I barely knew him. I had only worked with him before once, even though I did learn a lot from him, and he was a dear old man, and we knew his time wasn't long. Yet the news shocked me. I guess it's the fact that it's someone I actually know and had a semblance of a relationship with that made me react the way I did.
Not that it isn't sad news, it is tremendously sad, for his friends and family, and a terrible loss for the theatre industry to lose a great mind, but life goes on, and when life goes on, it has to end somewhere.
Someday, I will learn to deal with greater issues in life, like death and the blatent injustice we inflict on one another.
Someday, Cezzane and Astro will pass on too, and that day isn't too far off.
Someday, my parents will pass on too, and that will hurt even more so, and will last longer than all grievances, and will affect me in ways I can only imagine.
Someday, I will come to pass too, and when that day comes, I hope that I will have made a positive impact in this world that I so cherish and the people who fill it.
But just for now, I am learning how to deal with the loss of my reality, and the bleakness of the world.
But until then,
For your great and vast mind that I cannot even begin to comprehend.
For leaving your footprints and wisdom in my heart and making me more than I think I am.
For reminding me that I, along with all others that I love, am merely human and fallible.
I salute you, Dr. Krishen Jit.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I cannot help this ever growing feeling that I am not doing justice to this life that I've got in my hands.I cannot help feeling that there're so many things out there that are perfect for me yet I just don't seem to find them.I constantly do injustice to myself, physically, socially, and mentally.It's this omnipresent feeling of being a leaf in the autumn breeze, drifting aimlessly til I hit the ground and end up amongst the pile of brown leaves, awaiting to be swept away into a dank big black bag.Today during class, we were asked to talk about a certain place in our lives. I thought of the swing sitting in the corner of me front porch back home, and how I would always sit there on good days and read my book while swinging gently, with Astro or Cezzane next to me and wait for me daddy to come home from work. And I started to feel tears well up behind my lying eyes. I willed them back, and as perosn after person spoke of their special place, someone spoke of their home, someone spoke of how her artistic father built a home, and I started to cry. No, I bawled. Ashamed of my fragility, I excused myself to the washroom before anyone could see me cry. Is this a delayed 1 1/2 year reaction?? Am I homesick? I certainly think not. I have my elder brother with me, I am an easily adaptable creature, and I love my freedom. So why am I crying? This is all too soon to speak, but the morbidity of the human mind kicks in and plays a toll on the frailty of the mind. I am petrified of my parents. To be more exact, the thought of my parents passing on and leaving this realm makes me cry like a baby. I cannot accept the light of the situation and I dread the day when it will come to this. I need to accept reality and start living in the real world. I need to embrace Life and stop living in fear. Of death. Of rejection. Of loneliness. Of expectations. Of vulnerability. For it is through these that we can really and truly experience life, and without giving up these fears, I am not doing this life justice, I am holding back its prerogatives from it.I had a big weekend, and it's set me thinking on what it means to be me, and what I'm doing. It's not all conscious thinking, but the feeling of unsettlement that constantly runs through my being and makes me emotional and doubtful of Who and What I am.I need a sense of belonging. At the end of the day, we stand as individuals before our maker, and all that there is in this physical world crumbles to nothingness. Yet I feel the yearning inside me, that longs and craves for someone, something to belong to. I yearn for the feeling of giving myself wholly and utterly to that someone, and know that I will not be let down in any way. I seek peace, yet it evades me like the plague. Maybe I should find my inner peace before seeking for it outside of me. Maybe I've been looking in the wrong places. I need to trust, before Trust sheds its disguise from me. But til then, the void in me engulfs me, and I burn like an amber, in a downward spiral from grace.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
How do you connect to your world?We're all becoming increasingly connected by the advance of technology, yet the connundrum is that at the same time, we're getting emotionally distanced by this very advancement. Why do we need verbal and physical closure when they come at the expense of emotional resolve? And yet, with the world becoming increasingly smaller, our vision seems to get more myopic and clouded. Stereotypes still exist, and discrimination is rampant under the guise of tolerance.Catholics don't use contraception.The Jewish are stingy people.Women can't drive.Asians can't drive.All Muslims are terrorists.Gays are promiscuous and dykes ride bikes.These totally biased and highly politically incorrect and extremely untrue stereotypes are staring us in the face and some people joke about them, yet the scary thing is that some people do believe in them, and that's what's so scary; that people are getting smarter, what with most people getting a university degree and all, yet their social exposure is close to zero. How emotionally and socially bankrupt are we as a race? Why are we tearing each other apart though we share the same soil and toil the same jobs?The wogs, the poms, the frogs, the chinks. Can't we put all that aside and just accept each other as part of humanity? Jokes are fine, it's good when we can laugh at ourselves share an emotionaly bonding across cultures, but it's the uncertainty of not knowing that makes us hold back the tiny bit that actually establishes a real relationship.I want to connect to the people around me. I want the people I know to open up to me, yet I'm ot prepared to open up to them. It's selfish, but it's my defense mechanism. What I keep to myself can't hurt me. But at the same time, keeping it all in can't help me too. I need to get beyond myself, and into the world outside of me. There is more to my existence then my being. I want to connect, yet be able to distance myself. I want to open up, yet keep to myself.I want security, yet freedom. I want love, yet despair fills me constantly. I want acceptance, yet isolation is comfort. I want it all, yet nothing satisfies me. I want to feel, yet the numbness is soothing.I want to receive, yet giving frightens me.I want to give without holding back, yet the vulnerability incurred deters me.I need to start connecting to my world.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Lying among the Victorian rose print sheets at 2am I wonder about the ephemeral nature of my life and the huge uncertainty of the eternity that lays before me and I feel myself swimming in meaninglessness. A haphazard array of daily occurrances make up my life: everyday is a varied routine, every routine a binding ritualistic structure in itself.Every second you spend sitting in your room feeling the world passing you by is a moment wasted in the grand wonder of possibilites of what that moment could have been.Where are we headed? And why? Why do we do what we do and where does it all go? Where dos the past head towards? Does it all become another distant memory stored in the eaves of our consciousness? Or is it something that can be revisited physically? What does it mean to 'turn back the clock'?The flitting moments when you wonder who or what you would be if you weren't you are the most frightening moments that you can experience; when your identity goes out the window, and for the brief moment, you are noone but you, another being in another time zone. Where does it all end up? Where does time lead us? What does time lead us to?I don't wish I were someone else. I just wish I weren't me.Just for that tiny moment in time. Do you get that sometimes? I do. And it scares the living daylights out of me. 'Cuz for that brief moment, all that I am just vanishes and I am left with the emptiness of all I am not, and the vastness of all that I could be. And the whole elusive meaning behind it all.
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