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Thursday, November 25, 2004
Why do we judge??
2 guys having coffee who seem close - queer
short skirt - skank
thick make-up - vainpot
being more liberal minded - cheap
staying out late - of questionable character
Why do we draw such assumptions bsed on nothing but pure conjecture and biasedness? Is it fair to the person we're making preconceptions about? Do we even know these people? Whgat places us on a pedestal looking down on them and making groundless unpleasant speculations?
I'm sick of this.
Just leave me be. This is my world too. And most of all, my life, and I live it however I deem fit. Fuck baseless presumptions and judgemental minds, this world does not owe anyone anything and people should learn to accept and love each other as they are. Why then did racial riots come about? And unjustified war? Racism War Elitism Apartheid Colonialism. Why do we not see our folly and error in judgement and actions??
It's no use judging a book by its cover, you'll never uncover its treasures, and even if the book's crap, least you'll have learnt something about crap from it.
No one is completely useless. They can always serve as a bad example.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
We are human resources, you and me. Each one but for the use of another.
Have you ever wondered how people think of you? How they remember you by? What sets you apart from the crowd?
Everyone's got something or someone to call their own, and I've got nothing. Except for my foolish pride, and that's not even genuine. An identity, an idea, a reference to someone or something important in their lives that acts as a benchmark for them, which sets them apart from everyone else and makes them special. Me? I've got nothing. It's not the peer pressure, Hell no. Neither is it conformity and societal norms. It's my own need to fill the void in me, and this desperation fuels me with banal and ridiculous thoughts that I actually entertain, and chide myself for afterwards.
I could give and give, but there is only so much this vessel can handle without falling apart.
I could take and take, but where would that get me? Life's about finding the balance, balancing the yin and yang, the good and bad. And I haven't found my redeeming half of the equation.
I don't want to be the vessel that merely contains, nor the fountain that overflows; I want to be the water that flows from fountain to vessel and be one with it to experience and take on various outlooks and ideas. Instead, I find myself the pool of excess at the foot of the vessel. Unsure, unspectacular, unwanted and unidentified. Where does that leave this pool of water?
I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
You broke the bonds
You loosened the chains
You carried the cross
And my shame
And my shame
You know I believed it
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
~ I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, U2
Eb major - you are warm and kind, always there for
your friends, who are in turn there for you.
You are content with your confortable life and
what you are currently achieving; if you keep
in this state you will go far.
what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
But why then do I feel this void?
This world is too big for me; I need someplace small. Warm. Familiar. Welcoming.
Somewhere overwhelmingly claustrophobic yet comfortable and secure.
Somewhere I know I am truly and deeply appreciated.
Somewhere where dreams do materialise into reality.
Somewhere where I feel needed.
Somewhere.
Monday, November 22, 2004
How do we ever know for certain when we are certain? As Rene DesCartes said, I think, therefore I am. But when the issue in question isn't about being, but about knowing, how then, can we draw the equation?
Nothing is for sure: relationships, dynamics, ideas, setups, systems, the works... We ought to have learnt something from the rise and fall of the dynasties of ancient civilisations, and the makes and breaks of relationships between people.
We can never know for sure who'll be there when we need somebody, and who might appear when we least expect it. "If we have no expectations, everything would be good". Now isn't that true? You never know what you can count on.
It's time to disentangle and start anew.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Musings from the runway
How do you decide what to pack for 3 months away from your residence of the past year? What bits of clothing to bring? Which accessories you'll wear? Which bags you'll use? How do you choose which parts of your life to pack up with you and journey thousands of miles away and pick up where you left off? How do you decide which bits of you stay on and linger til you return 3 months later and tie up the ends?
How do we do it? Another place; another time. How does that work? It's amazing, the pieces we pick up and leave behind. It's almost like an incomplete jigsaw puzzle of Life. Ever-changing, pieces found; pieces lost; never to be completed. I myself am but a little insignificant yet crucial piece of Life's wondrous tessallation.
There's always this little nagging doubt, whether you've packed all the stuff you need, and you keep double checking and re-confirming you haven't left anything behind.
Packing is never complete. You leave pieces of you behind that you can never pick up. The bits of you linger on, and you grow smaller as the years pass. It comes to pass that we can sustain ourselves no longer, with our baggages and the ever receding consciousness. We fade into nothing, as all things do.
-Quote of the Day-
The ineluctable modality of the visible
- courtesy of Galy Gay
Saturday, November 13, 2004
All good things in a roll
'u are quite attractive in a fatalistic fashion
firstly
u are attractive
but not in an ordinary manner
the way u talk, the sudden spasms (in the good way), the abrupt flow of emotions, the romantic artist's quality
all contributing factors i suppose
though u are a very good writer'
u really think im a good writer???
y??
how??
when??
where??
'u are quite good on collecting emotions in a stream of consciousness fashion, yet u dun dwell on a personal level
u try to relate to the higher level and question existence, faith and other matters.
rather touching
and rather honest as well
which i like very much
mentioning the guy u like all the time isn't nice though'
this is e FIRST time im mentioning e guy i lke so much eheheh
usually i kinda euphemise it ehehehehe
im just LETTING myself obsess this time eheeh
'its just a by statement
u can obsess. u need some destress at times
but all in all, a cool writer and a lovely girl
i need to pee'
I almost feel like I'm being cannonized... Thanks mate, for being such a sweet and supportive friend... though sometimes brutally honest... which is good, I need the reality check at times ehehh You should know, you're very much a stimulant to my thoughts; your melancholy and occasional inappropriate abrupt humour... inspiration comes from all sorts of places, and you're one of those dank places eheh But in all, you are amazing, keep that in mind yeah? The world is our oyster, and we have yet to reap the potential she holds within her.
It's ironic how the one line from Sinatra that sticks to my head sings "Weather wise, it's such a perfect day" when I've been driving in the pouring rain for the past few days. It's supposedly spring, yet these days have been nothing but dark and wet. Coupled with the occasional half an hour of sunshine in the morning, and blue sky. Otherwise, it's dreary and dank.
Drove past an accident site. The red convert was smashed into a lamp post, and oddly enough, the car was facing the opposite direction it should have been facing. Weird. I felt a wave of depression rush over me. How can life be so ephemeral, yet we as humans don't comprehend this? How do we think we're capable of living forever, when life's essence can be snatched from under our breath just like that? It's terrifying. The thought of actually being in an accident actually thrilled me. Just think, how must it be like, sitting/lying caught between metal, immobile, helpless. It's a whole different level of ecstatism. It's on the other end of the spectrum from nirvana. Think how it must be like. It calls out to me. Excites me and thrills me, yet holds me in fear and apprehension all at the same time.
It's almost........ suicidal... I know. But hell, we're all gonna die one day. What matters when? Or how? So long as I don't drown or get burnt to a crisp I'm content. Only 10% of the world's population die in their sleep. I reckon I'm not going to be in the lucky ten. The rise of technology came with the decline of man.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Life is horribly ironic.
Once again, I am shown the might of his power, and how stunningly amazing He is. It is all at once terrifyingly humbling yet wonderfully uplifting at the same time. Ever wondered why there isn't a law that states the opposite of Murphy's Law? 'That whatever can go right, will go right'? That's because it's called the Lord's will. True enough, I have seen how stunningly He does things, and the complexities in His works.
Never thought I'd ever see Andrew again til next year, and was horribly horribly upset and distraught about it. I had psychoed myself to the extent where I either get all ecstatic and melt into a puddle at his feet, or I see him and realise I'm getting over him. Don't ask me how my mind works, I wonder too.
Wasn't supposed to do foh for today's show, but since they rescheduled their run cuz of an accident, I wasn't able to do the original foh date cuz everything was pushed back and I'd have left town by then. So instead I had to do foh today, which I wasn't too keen on, and almost contemplated calling in 'sick'. But my sense of responsibility and duty got the better of me, and I thought 'Hell, just do it Daphne. You said you would, and it's not a reponsible thing to back out at this late and you get to watch the show free anyway.'
So when I got to the building and was about to walk in I saw a figure standing near the door looking at me, but I couldn't see too clearly through the tinted glass. I open the door, walk in, and who do I see but Andrew and Pru, two thirds of our composing bunch for Vinegar Tom. They were doing some concert for their music course too, and apparently they weren't supposed to be there, and only found out an hour before that.
And so it came to pass that I actually did catch a glimpse of Andrew, so much sooner than I'd thought. And I realised that I still have a helluva soft spot for him, but I've reached the stage in my self-psychosis where I believe that things'll never work out between us.
How Amazing Is That?
I was at the stage of hallucinating things.
Walking past Harry's Bar in the city and seeing a small-built dark haired guy talking to some big guy outside it made me wish the small dark haired guy was Andrew and I could act all surprised and strike up conversation with him on how coincidental it was that I'd run into him in the city, or all places, and he give him my number and saying we should catch up some time and he would call me out for coffee or something and we'd share some deep connection.
All this in that split second of walking past the windows of Harry's Bar in some dodgy side lane.
And to think in the same evening the Lord had conjured up some highly complex plan to make me run into Andrew and realise my obsession with him, and that this obsession was not going to end up anywhere.
How Amazing Is That?
Despite all these, I am still the hard-headed fool I am. Chances are I'm meeting my friends tomorrow night, either to go to Lunapark or for a nice dinner along St Kilda. There's a slight chance we might catch the other cast in the show in uni. There's an even smaller chance that we might run into Andrew if we do go catch the show. I'm still hanging onto that thin red thread which keeps disappearing out of sight, and is way far out of reach. But hey, it doesn't hurt to dream does it? We need a break from disillusionment every once in a while. So let me dream on, and let things unfold as they deem fit.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
I saw it through without exemption
I planned each chartered course
Each careful step on the byway
But why can't I stand and proclaim like Frankie?
I did it my way
No, I can't
And to think, that a mere week ago we were the ones previewing, anxious over our cozzies and screwing up our lines and messing up the songs... That's all over and behind us now, and there is nothing to look forward to... It's ironic how you have so much to do when you're in a mood for idleness, and how much time for idleness you have when you plan to get out and do something yet have noone to get out with.
One hour ago I hastily scribbled down the last academic words I'll ever write in this year
One week ago I was seated in the green room, chilling, waiting patiently for our preview to begin, looking around idly, hoping to catch a glance of Andrew...
How much of that would I never go through again? And how much of that would I experience again; maybe once more, maybe a few more times, maybe countless more times?
Why do we have expectations only to be let down? Wouldn't we do so much better on the whole without expectations and assumptions? How about fear? Cowardice? What's the difference?
What would I do if I didn't fear??
I wouldn't be me
Monday, November 08, 2004
so speak to me please, the way I want you to...
... and tell me what I need to hear before I fall away
You know I, I been searching for an easy way
To escape the cold light of day
I been high and I been low
But I got nowhere else to go
There's nowhere else to go
And I followed orders
God knows where I been
But I woke up alone
All my wounds were clean
I'm still here
I'm still a fool for the holy grail
Oh yeah I'm a fool for the holy grail
~ Holy Grail, Hunters and Collectors
he showed up all wet
on the rainy front step
wearing shrapnel in his skin
and the war he saw
lives inside him still
it's so hard to be gentle and warm
oh so you look at me
from across the room
you're wearing your anguish again
believe i know the feeling
it sucks you into the jaws of anger
oh, so breathe a little more deeply my love
i don't want to wait
for our lives to be over
i want to know right now
what will it be
i don't want to wait
for our lives to be over
wil it be yes or will it be
sorry
so open up your morning light
and say a little prayer for I
you know that if we are to stay alive
and see the peace in every I
~ I dont want to wait, Paula Cole
there's nothing left to say now,
nothing left to do.
and the words that once left my lips,
they weren't for me to call my own.
so let me in on the trappings of the world,
before i cheat myself
and let the feelings within die on me.
don't let that be
We were foolish beings
But we were dying like flies
And those big black birds, they were circling in the sky
And you know what they say, yeah, nobody deserves to die
Sunday, November 07, 2004
and so all things come to an end...
and it sets in, that little tinge of the blues... as i step through the doorway into an empty hall at 340am in the morning, knowing that i don't have to rush off to sleep as there is not going to be a show the next day. It's funny how we always get to know people better and have a chance to have fun with them only at the lastest possible opportunities. It is only after the after-party that I begin to find myself rather comfortable with my cast members. How ironic, considering we don't have to see each other day in and day out anymore. I'll only see them once more, for our drama exam, before I fly on home for a good long three months. So much can change then, so much can be forgotten then. And the post production blues sets in, the feeling of emptiness, of limbo, permeates my being as I think on the free days ahead. The lack of meaning and purposeness. This play was what I lived for for the past few months, and now it's gone. I'll get used to it and get over it, I know... but just for now, there's this void in me which yearns out for something. Im going home in seven days, somehow I'm not that excited... I just wanted this night to never end: from the adrenaline before the show of knowing this was the last time we were going to perform the show; to the rushed scribblings of sweet letters to each other, to the lack of focus in the show cuz of the excitement, to the uncontrolled rapture at closing our run, to the tedious bump out, to the after party... let it all not end. And yet as I sit here, thinking back on the night's events, I can't help but feel the fragility and ephemeral nature of the nature of work I'm in. I will always, always, always experience this feeling of emptiness. It comes with the job description.
For the benefit of those of you who're wondering, no, I didn't have the guts to get Andrew's number. I don't think I'll ever see him again, even though we're in the same uni and in the same building, please understand, the music half of the building is foreign territory to drama students, and vice versa, although the music auditorium and our drama theatre and rehearsal room share a common foyer, nodrama student goes to the music side of the foyer for no reason, and vice versa. The foyer is the one and only thing we share. Nothing else. They hate us, we detest them. Anyhow, I shan't see him at least for the next three months, so I should be back to normal by then, and he shall just be another muso that I know... I hope... Either way, we wouldn't look good together, so there. It will have been doomed from the start had it started. Another one of Daphne's non-realistic fantasy relationships. But I still wanna get to know him, as a person, because he does intrigue me as a person; he is the only person I've come across who likes the same kind of music I do. Is what I'm asking for too much? But like I said, move on and move out, there's no time for us to stand and stare, nothing comes of it.
And life returns to normal. But I don't want it to be normal. I want it to be spectacular. So help me God.
Friday, November 05, 2004
a little act or gesture can mean so much, like the ripple effect in a still pond, spreading outwards in ever largening concentric circles. and it's amazing how another tiny act can serve to neutralise all negative effects of the previous ripple, almost like a charitible act towards a starving person.
I am not in rapture, there is nothing to be elated about.
I am not upset, nothing has caused sorrow to me.
I am merely content, and that is enough.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
to sit in the semi-darkness and watch everything fall into place, the lights and sound, coming together and everything in its' rightful place and position, enhancing and complementing each other........ the final full-dress run is always the most thrilling.
as i sit on the balcony during the preset, watching the lights, feeling the mood and atmosphere, getting into the pace, a mixture of adrenaline, urgency and serenity washes over me, and i feel at one with the set, yet apart from it, watching...... it's beautiful, this feeling, where everything starts to make sense, and the theatre works its magic. i love the stage, it is this that i live for.
nothing matters in the things that we do, it is in how we do it that counts. reason and rhyme are dropped for aesthetics and functionality. the I ceases, and becomes Us... the Why vaporises, and becomes If...
...
the other If sets in... If only I had... but it's too late now, not now, no no
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