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Monday, October 25, 2004
I'm not being morbid, but the truth is that anyday, anytime, anyhow, someone close to us that we love could have their life suddenly taken from them. Just like that. No warning, no preparation, no vague sign. Why do I cry so? Why do I let the littlest things affect me so emotionally?? Because I'm weak? Because I wear my heart on my sleeve? Because I'm just plain naturally emotional? Because I actually do sense some vague ephemeral quality to our fragile lives.
How does one try to keep a strong front when they're crumbling to bits inside? I admire people who can do that, who try to be strong for the people they love. But I just cant do it, no matter how hard I try. It's just a reflex mechanism in me to drop tears. And I hate it. I hate that I can't be strong when I need to be. It's not fair. Why should others be strong for me when I can't even be strong for them? It's a cruel world.
And to think all this was inspired but Sex and the City.
The truth? I like the sadness that infiltrates our everyday life. It's like some perverse form of masochism, but I actually do enjoy being in grief, a little. It just makes me seem... more human. I've never felt intense love, nor hatred, so the closest I can come to is grief. What did I do the last time I was genuinely touched? I cried. That sure says a lot, doesn't it?
I hate soppy fairy tale-ish movies. Why? Cuz I don't believe that's real. It's too perfect to exist, life just isn't that pretty. So I choose to indulge in arthouse films, least the contentment that they speak of is of a more accessible level, albeit more abstract(when they actually do speak of contentment, that is. They're usually morbid and depressing, which is a far more accurate depiction of life).
Do don't blame me for being morbid or over emotive, I try, I really do. Things just don't turn out as we would like them to.
On a different thought...
Oh to feel the sting of my hand across his cheek
'Very lucky meh? Getting a brand new car?'
'What's so exciting bout getting a new car?'
'No, 30grand isn't a lot of money what.'
'Forgetting is not good enough.'
'Yah but I have money what, so?'
How, how, HOW the fuck am I supposed to put up with such pompousness for another 6 months? I absolutely fucking hate our conversations; they're all so fucking shallow. It's all about what this friend said about how frivolously he spends his money and how he doesn't agree and thinks that that friend is more frivolous than him. Can't you see? It's NOT about money!!! When will you fucking grow up? You are one of the lucky few brats who NEVER had to worry about money and survival. The opportunity to worry doesn't even remotely arise. Yet you don't appreciate it. You treat it like your fucking birthright. When one door closes someone opens another for you, and you complain they didn't open the door quicker or that the doorway is dirty. Fuck your closemindedness and your superficial wants. When will he get over himself and see beyond his myopia?
I already forsee many quarrels to come over who's to use the car. So help me God, give me strength and tolerance to open his eyes.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
The shows and the books are always full of the mean bad people with terrible attitudes and vices, and there're always the good people who put things right, and balance the equation of life. These good people have only virtues, and maybe the few harmless bad habits and idiosyncracies, and they always get what they yearn for, maybe not initially, but eventually they get what they deserve, and live happily ever after.
Where does that leave folk like me? Who're somewhere in between the two and don't possess any defining virtue? Will I find my happily ever after?
Friday, October 22, 2004
someone reign me in
this girl's going places in her mind.
bad bad
knob
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
What is it all about?
The mad rush to finish the assignments which are due in less than 24hrs: suddenly in last two weeks of uni every single subject that I take has its assignment due. Very very apt timing I must say. It couldn't have been better had they tried.
The increase in rehearsals, from 4hrs 2 times a week, to 4 hrs 3 times a week, to 5hrs 4 times a week, to the final 24hr two day bump-in. Now that's something to look foward to. Not.
Friends leaving; making new friends; getting to know friends.
The fervent planning or your life for the next 7 days; the excitement of something novelty; the indulgence of attention and fun; the intrinsic hedonism at work; the faint echo of regrets; the ghosts of past mistakes; the shadow of a doubt perpetually overhead; the clamber for contentment and joy.
Just can't help but wonder Just what is this never-ending rush for? Where is it leading us? Where are we headed?
It's 1231am. I've got two performance assignments tomorrow. I've got to wake at 615am.
But I'd like to take a couple of minutes off for myself, just my muse and me.
I refuse to give in to the endless mindlessness. Least not for now.
Friday, October 08, 2004
1605hours, Friday, October 08, 2004.
Sitting at home on a Friday afternoon, 4.05pm.
It's nice and cool outside, with a fresh breeze blowing and the sun occasionally peeking out from behind the clouds.
I want to go out, do something, yet this inertia keeps me from experiencing. No doubt there are countless things I could do: go visit a coursemate at the shop she's started working in; go check out the sale at Target and Myer; buy dynamo; get a new bottle of make-up remover; casually saunter into Prime and see if Geoff's working today and desperately hope something comes out of it; catch a movie, there so many movies I haven't seen and want to see......
Yet here I am, sitting at home in front of my laptop, blogging.
And it's not like I don't want to get out and enjoy myself, I do, it's just... laziness.
The house has gotten so comforting, just sitting in front of tha laptop, listening to music and playing games. That's something I could get used to. No rejection from my laptop, no awkwardness between us, no forced conversations. Just a mutual trust and companionship.
I'm looking for a friend, but I'm not looking to make one. I just want to skip the whole 'getting to know each other' bit. Cut straight to phase two. Impossible, I know. But I couldn't be bothered. I've been here before, and I can go through it again. No biggie. It's a lonely existence, but it's safe.
I'm too exhausted, too jaded, too tired to try. I've got people who love me for who I am, though they're scattered throughout a few continents. Whether things'll change with time, I'm not sure. But for now, I'm content, and I don't feel the need to venture further than I have to. Either way, I know I haven't found what I'm looking for, and I'm still looking. Around me and within me.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Alleluia from the heavens
Alleluia in the heights above the earth
Alleluia all His angels
Alleluia for the last will be first
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Alleluia in the morning
Alleluia for the beauty of His stars
Alleluia in the twilight
Alleluia sun and moon and shining stars
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so alone (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eye)
When you're weak He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
For all your times of laughter
And every hopeful prayer
When the world weighs on your shoulders
Through sorrow and your despair
With everything, with every breath praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything and every breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so alone,
Throw your hands to the sky.
You can sing a new song,
Wipe the tears from your eye.
When you're weak He is strong,
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside.
~ 'With Every Breath', Jars of Clay
i've been wrong all along; people are complex, and i've been so simple-minded in thinking that people can be summed up by a phrase, or their fields of interest.
clothes do not make the man, and grades do not make the person. the person is defined by much broader universal ideals than just the field he or she is in.
"What're you studying?"
"Performing arts."
"Oh wow, that's so cool! I admire you for going for what you want."
no, that's nowhere near admiration.
27 years of age
first year science student in uni
elective: film studies
stereotyped 'crummy delinquent' primary, secondary and tertiary education
worked for 5years as a flight steward after army
came to melbourne without a clue with regards to lodging
ended up in a shophouse with 5 other students from all over the world
amazing knowledge of film, and dazzling ability to discuss and appreciate them which half of the so-called literary students couldn't even fathom
now that's what i call amazing.
the ability to engage and appreciate art despite being a science student, and the interest in science despite being an arts student.
afterall, wasn't science the school of practical experimentation and observation that derived from the search for answers? the answers to the philosophical questions which take into perspective the beauty and art that surrounds us? are they not one and the same? the system that governs us has so thwarted and perversed the mindset we have of these two things that complement each other, and are not mutually exclusive...... it's a shame
-Song Of The Moment-
It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones
Friday, October 01, 2004
12
two meetings,
a short pleasant conversation,
a red fred perry polo,
tsubi jeans,
a pleasant demeanor,
a hint of a sparkle of interest in the eye,
and a boyish charm,
and this girl's all out of whack.....
unhealthy fixated obsession; not good.
i'm losing it, i seriously need to get a grip, or get a real man. enough imaginary ones already
all hangs upon the next visit
i'm giving it til the end of term
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