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Monday, September 27, 2004
maximus? maximillan? just max...
max begins production today........ in seven days he'll be put together, then he'll be put on a ship and for 20days he'll be drifting southwards, and after that, he'll be in good hands...... i can hardly wait....... i'm so excited.......
on another note, i haven't really decided what to name him........ max seems the most suitable name, for now........ so well, he's tentatively max.......
relishing the freedom
i think i finally understand why it's so hard to move on, cuz moving on comes with letting go.
it's hard to move on without letting go, and it's the moment of swinging from one branch to anoter when you're the most vulnerable, neither here nor there, and it's the fear that keeps us from letting go........ yet once u've let go, u find it's tough to get back where you once were...... u move on, and that's it, u've moved on........ it's tough making a compromise...... it's tough when you've got nowhere to turn to.........
then again, the lack of obligations makes one uninhibited....... i could get used to this....... or so i would like to think.........
if i were to be tied to one sin, it would be avarice..........
maybe it's just me, but i find it so easy to be envious of other people, of the relationships they have that i have never had the luxury of.......... it's silly to want something i know could never possibly happen, yet i dream it and live for a few short moments in it, tasting it barely on the tip of my tongue... such folly and childishness............. i should live and experience more........ that should make me more wise....... that, i'd like to think............
it's so amazing sitting on the clear end of a one-way tinted glass and observing the relationships that go on amongst the people around you....... it's so voyeuristic, it almost makes me shiver with fear..... not for them, but for myself........ i don't want to be that voyeur, i don't want to be the one who's watching from a distance and observing............. i want to be the one in the moment, feeling, and being......... i want to be loved, i want to indulge......
'don't do that again daphne'
yes, i hear you............ but people never learn, do they?
i know i don't.......... i try, but the situation often gets the better of me and i get all carried away riding on the moment......... silly silly little girl........ so naive and gullible.... tihnks the world is all peaches and cream.......... think again sweetheart......... it ain't all hunky-dory......
when faced with the same situation another day, i have absolutely no idea how i would react....... err again? or wise up? we'll find out eventually, as all time unfolds all things.......
cheat me once, shame on you. cheat me twice, shame on me
i really should bear that in mind
but alas, this lass crumbles too easily. her bark is way worse than her bite, and things usually have a way of coming back and biting her in the ass.
and that's the way the cookie crumbles mate....... hard, but fair..
driftwood
why do i find myself desensitized? to the things around me, the people around me, and the events around me......... this isn't good, but i can't help it...... it just gets too much to take, and i get so weary...... it feels good not to care, to be burden-less......... call it selfishness, but i really couldn't b bothered with little things and events that happen, they seem inconsequential to me, and continue harping on a certain event, and you start to get me all irritated......... what has happened? where has the giving selfless spirit gone? have i exhausted it? i'm sick and tired of caring, being attentive, and being the nice person. there's more to me than that. it's been 20 years of being the sweet girl, the one dimensional flower who fades into the wallpaper....... there's more to me than that....... just leave me alone, give me some time out, and let me be........ i need my solitude, i need my space, i need affirmation....... it's tough giving and giving all the time......... i can't live up to this preconceived notion, it's time i started taking....... it's time i started being selfish....... if i don't watch my back, who will?
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