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Monday, September 27, 2004
maximus? maximillan? just max...
max begins production today........ in seven days he'll be put together, then he'll be put on a ship and for 20days he'll be drifting southwards, and after that, he'll be in good hands...... i can hardly wait....... i'm so excited.......
on another note, i haven't really decided what to name him........ max seems the most suitable name, for now........ so well, he's tentatively max.......
relishing the freedom
i think i finally understand why it's so hard to move on, cuz moving on comes with letting go.
it's hard to move on without letting go, and it's the moment of swinging from one branch to anoter when you're the most vulnerable, neither here nor there, and it's the fear that keeps us from letting go........ yet once u've let go, u find it's tough to get back where you once were...... u move on, and that's it, u've moved on........ it's tough making a compromise...... it's tough when you've got nowhere to turn to.........
then again, the lack of obligations makes one uninhibited....... i could get used to this....... or so i would like to think.........
if i were to be tied to one sin, it would be avarice..........
maybe it's just me, but i find it so easy to be envious of other people, of the relationships they have that i have never had the luxury of.......... it's silly to want something i know could never possibly happen, yet i dream it and live for a few short moments in it, tasting it barely on the tip of my tongue... such folly and childishness............. i should live and experience more........ that should make me more wise....... that, i'd like to think............
it's so amazing sitting on the clear end of a one-way tinted glass and observing the relationships that go on amongst the people around you....... it's so voyeuristic, it almost makes me shiver with fear..... not for them, but for myself........ i don't want to be that voyeur, i don't want to be the one who's watching from a distance and observing............. i want to be the one in the moment, feeling, and being......... i want to be loved, i want to indulge......
'don't do that again daphne'
yes, i hear you............ but people never learn, do they?
i know i don't.......... i try, but the situation often gets the better of me and i get all carried away riding on the moment......... silly silly little girl........ so naive and gullible.... tihnks the world is all peaches and cream.......... think again sweetheart......... it ain't all hunky-dory......
when faced with the same situation another day, i have absolutely no idea how i would react....... err again? or wise up? we'll find out eventually, as all time unfolds all things.......
cheat me once, shame on you. cheat me twice, shame on me
i really should bear that in mind
but alas, this lass crumbles too easily. her bark is way worse than her bite, and things usually have a way of coming back and biting her in the ass.
and that's the way the cookie crumbles mate....... hard, but fair..
driftwood
why do i find myself desensitized? to the things around me, the people around me, and the events around me......... this isn't good, but i can't help it...... it just gets too much to take, and i get so weary...... it feels good not to care, to be burden-less......... call it selfishness, but i really couldn't b bothered with little things and events that happen, they seem inconsequential to me, and continue harping on a certain event, and you start to get me all irritated......... what has happened? where has the giving selfless spirit gone? have i exhausted it? i'm sick and tired of caring, being attentive, and being the nice person. there's more to me than that. it's been 20 years of being the sweet girl, the one dimensional flower who fades into the wallpaper....... there's more to me than that....... just leave me alone, give me some time out, and let me be........ i need my solitude, i need my space, i need affirmation....... it's tough giving and giving all the time......... i can't live up to this preconceived notion, it's time i started taking....... it's time i started being selfish....... if i don't watch my back, who will?
Monday, September 20, 2004
i've reached an epiphany
am i ready?
to forgive myself, to move on with my mistake and accept things as they are? that i, too, like all people, make mistakes i'm ashamed of, and don't want to be associated with..... am i ready to let go and move on? not to forgive, but to forget?
be nice daphne
yes, i will, and this time, i won't even have to try..... i hope........
i think i'm ready for the next step
letting go doesn't come with shutting out all the time
letting go often comes with acceptance and humility too
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
- 'The Reason' Hoobastank
and so we move on, from one phase of our lives onto the next
on a new sheaf of paper,
a clean slate,
a fresh start.
a better person
i think i've reached a breakthrough
i'm starting to feel at ease with myself and the people in uni....... have i finally found my place?
oh, to be oneself and laugh with release....... tis the most joyous feeling in the world (for now)
i hope i've found the people whom i believe will tide me through my 2 years in melbourne..... oh lead me into blissful abandonment
Thursday, September 16, 2004
The newspaper stories were like dreams to us, bad dreams dreamt by others. How awful, we would say, and they were, but they were awful without being believable. They were too melodramatic, they had a dimension that was not the dimension of our lives.
We were the people who were not in the papers. We lived in the blank white spaces at the edges of print. It gave us more freedom.
We lived in the gap between the stories.
- The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
and how true is that? what with all the chaos and destruction going on all around the globe, and all we hear and read about through the media.... for all we know we could be very much sheltered from the harsh plain truth...... we could be living in our own little dimension and not be aware of that....... how scary is that?
would i rather continue living in an imperfect world or be living among the stage of crossover from dystopia to utopia, where chaos and imbalance rule the day?
i'd rather the former
familiarity and routine is what comforts me, and being human, i'm but a creature of habit, and am subject to failings and errors too....... so help me God
Saturday, September 04, 2004
'Thaw with his gentle persuasion is more powerful than Thor with his hammer. The one melts, the other but breaks in pieces.'
'We should be blessed if we lived in the present always, and took advantage of every accident that befell us, like the grass which confesses the influence of the slightest dew that falls on it; and did not spend our time in atoning for the neglect of past opportunities, which we call doing our duty. We loiter in winter while it is already spring.'
- Walden, Henry David Thoreau
it's amazing how differently we perceive ourselves from how others see us. hitler saw himself as creating the supreme race; the rest of the world saw him as a cold monster.
who knows who the real 'me' they really are? we all perceive things from differing perspectives, which is the right picture? a table upside down is still a table, yet it functions as a table no more. can it still be called a table then? similarly, when we cease to be who people think we are, who are we?
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