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Friday, August 27, 2004
you've always got so much on the back of your mind, it's like trying to pick one one specific kind of spore that's floating in the breeze on a windy spring's day...... like looking for a needle in a haystack...... like trying to pinpoint where the istana is on the atlas...... like trying to look for peace amidst a crowded cafeteria...........
and so you find you let these thoughts go, and it's easier to exist in a plane where troubles come and go easy, and nothing bad ever stays....... where everything works out to your favour in the end, and nothing terribly horrible ever happens to you....... it's like the imperfect fairytale with no twists...........
and so you trundle along, with your mind furrows buried, and your meandering life peaceful..... wondering if life is ever gonna turn upside down, or get horribly wrong...... seeking to get away from the undulating plain it is, yet fearing to step beyond into the unknown canyon of heights and splendours............
zen, maybe?
it's so easy to want to distance yourself from the people around you, where you cease to care, and it seems like the people around you cease to care to....... where nothingness fills the space, and you're left wandering amidst the confounded mist.........
sometimes we just need a break.... for no reason whatsoever, just to get to know ourselves more, to get reacquainted with ourselves, to review our goals and ideals...... to critique our past actions, and judge ourselves......
for no reason why,
i can't cry hard enough
no i can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now
she wants something, yet she doesn't have the guts to find out if it's what she really wants, and she puts on a front and acts all aloof and distant, and pushes away the very thing which she craves for....... she succeeds, in driving it away........ and she laments, wishing and hoping with each turn that it'll come back to her, yet meeting with letdown every single time....... she's never gotten a clear cut answer, and she never will......... simply because she was afraid.......
what a fool
verfremdung effekt
to create a rift between the writer and the subject.......... to stand back from the action and look on and learn from the didactic method of presenting a topic to the audience and making them think and reflect upon it....... by alienating the audience, and making them aware they are watching a presentation, not a performance, and confronting them with the issues brought up..... how brechtian......... but will she learn from watching herself?
so easy, so
so
easy
fool
Saturday, August 21, 2004
one by one they come, and each one takes a bit of you with them, and with each departure a part of you dies....... until one day you find you're left standing,
alone,
empty,
a void,
disillusioned,
left with nothing to offer anymore, left to face the harshness of reality in the face, and trembling underfoot, not from fear, but from exhaustion at having tried so hard, and given so much, only to be rewarded with stale indifferent faces and nonchalence...... you've grown so accustomed to the sting of unfulfilled expectations that it now comes across as a dull throb in e back of your head, unable to be rid of......... and the ghosts of your memory come together, one by one, and you face your greatest enemy: yourself, and as they merge into an unfathomable formless apparition you become engulfed and lose yourself.... in your memory, your past, your mistakes.....
is it so wrong to want to believe? to want to believe in the goodness of man? that man is genuinely good? that when you give, you receive the same level of reciprocation? or is it so hard to be cynical? to want to believe that man is intrinsically selfish? and that trying to look for someone worthwhile is a lost cause?
i find myself caught; in wanting to believe, and find the goodness in man, yet at the same time being exploited by man from the very trust in place in him, and wanting to be cynical, to learn to trust only in myself, yet finding it too hard to accept the fact that man is rotten.
i want, yet i fear.
and from that self-same fear is born a new want, a debauched want,
which serves only to bring me further down the abyss of discontent and lusting,
and into the very fire which i sought to extinguish in my enemy.
like the flower bending in the gale, i am too weak to stand on my own in the face of adversary
i need someone to save me
from the demons i face,
but mostly, from the demon i'm becoming
Friday, August 20, 2004
-Quotable Quote of the Day-
Every man is the builder of a temple, called his body, to the god his worships, after a style purely his own, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead. We are all sculptors and painters, and our material is our own flesh and blood and bones. Any nobleness begins at once to refine a man's features, any meanness or sensuality to imbrute them.
- 'Walden', Henry David Thoreau
Thursday, August 19, 2004
so many thoughts, so many feelings, so many things to say
yet no words do emerge
is this what being homesick feels like? when you think of someone and you feel a dull silent ache? and you can picture them looking right at you and you can paint out every single line of expression changing on their faces as you imagine them speaking to you? when you desperately jump to their defense when someone's talking bad about them? and you try to justify their actions? when thinking about them makes you wanna cry? is that what feeling homesick is like?
i've never been homesick, i always thought i was independent and adaptable.... guess i was wrong
or maybe it's just the flu bug talking
Friday, August 13, 2004
100 things i want in a man
1. he's gotta be darn handy with computers cuz i am shit with technology
2. he must remain silent when i'm watching tv and only talk durin commercials
3. he should leave me alone when i'm chattin to friends online
4. he's gotta as much humour as i do, maybe even more....
5. .... preferably british wit, or french bitchiness.....
6. he has to appreciate art and theatre...
7. .. and earn enough to upkeep us cuz i'll earn nuts in theatre
8. he has to like the same kinda music as i do, no doop-doop music, no trance, no techno.......
9. he has to agree elvis is the king; cake is fantabulous; rob thomas is hell-sexy; swing is a-pumping; rock&roll is legendary; jazz is groovy; blues is wonderful; oldies are the best, and music is the best thing since sliced bread
10. he has to have a car......
11. ......and preferable me one too..... (a pt cruiser would be nothing short of perfect)...
12. .... bentley, rolls royce, maserati, mg, aston martin, bmw, mercedes, volvo, jeep, alfa romeo or a jaguar would suffice too.......
13. he's gotta love blasting music in his car(and mine) and singing along like it's 1999
14. he's gotta enjoy reading, mostly lit......
15. i'll hit him over e head if he reads only trashy stuff
16. he can't have bad breath......
17. he has to able to dress fashionably but not a lemming..
18. .... preferably know all e ppl in club21 and get us discounts.....
19. buy me tiffany, cartier and bvlgari jewelry like it's free.....
20. .... and not gripe about it
21. he should buy me the stuff i like.....
22. he can't have oily hair.....
23. he should be well groomed, yet not a prat...
24. and be able to get down and dirty and muddy in e field
25. he should never think woman can't drive.....
26. .... and admit that i set a good example....
27. he's gotta be able to appreciate shakespeare, dostoyevsky and beckett......
28. and worship words as the most powerful weapon a man can have
29. we shall have name-calling and bitchy insulting fights.....
30. ....... and also playfights where we pin each other down and declare e other a weakling
31. he has to thrill me with his mind.......
32. ........ and with his body....
33. we'll play sports together and he doesn't think im inferior cuz im a female
34. we should both cook together...
35. .... and clean up together.........
36. ...... and do the housework together.......
37. he has to love his car as much as i love mine
38. he can't be a reality tv nut
39. he's gotta have an open mind......
40. ....... and think out of the box........
41. ........ and accept radical ideas.......
42. ... but not be a rebel without a cause
43. he has to able to dance........
44. ...... and not look queer doing it.....
45. he should be able to converse in dialect with me....
46. .... and preferably coach me too....
47. he's gotta be understanding of me
48. and faithful.....
49. and trust me with all his heart
50. and make me to trust him with mine
51. he shouldn't be afraid to love..........
52. ..... and convince me to do the same
53. he should appreciate what i do......
54. ... and not belittle it
55. he should love queer people as i do
56. he should embrace that people are different
57. he should never regret anything he's done
58. he should live everyday like it's his last
59. he has to believe in 'carpe diem'.......
60. ....... and act on it
61. he has to appreciate and watch arthouse films with me.......
62. ......and discourse with me after
63. he should treat his mobile phone dearly....
64. he shall not be a slave to technology
65. he has to appreciate nature
66. he should be taller than me by at least half a head
67. he should have a broad build so we'll look nice together
68. he should like materialistic things and indulge......
69. .... yet at the same time not be engulfed by it.....
70. ......and be ready to let go of it all when the time calls for it
71. he should preferably be a christian, and believe in God
72. he has to make me feel loved....
73. ..... and special.......
74. .... and mean it.......
75. he's gotta b special, to me
76. he shouldn't be a conformist, and have his own thoughts and not be afraid to voice them
77. he has to love his parents....
78. ... and mine.....
79. and his siblings........
80. ......... and mine.......
81. he should have a bunch of fun friends whom i can hang out with and be comfortable and are not chauvinistic pigs
82. he should be able to hang out with my friends too
83. and understand that i need my space.....
84. ... and sometimes i just want to spend alone-time with myself
85. he should never whine
86. he should look on the bright side of things
87. he should be a happy person, but not himbotic, but ditzy at times is fun.......
88. he should not be afraid of affection
89. he shouldn't be afraid to speak his mind...
90. .. but he's got to know how to euphemise things
91. he should always put things back to their places.....
92. he should be advanturous
93. he should be outgoing
94. he's got soulful eyes
95. .... and a toned bod
96. he should have a sweet tooth....
97. ..... and desire alcohol too.....
98. ...... but not a member of AA.....
99. he should never judge me
100. .....and never say anything he doesn't mean
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
How glorious a day to be out there
Yet here I am confined to gloomy thoughts
If gloom had droplets, why! I'd be a drowning man
To save me naught; no knight in shining armour.
The reason is this; the reason is now,
That life's little bundle of joys I've gone on without.
To steady me not, no spirits held high,
My outlook is on a funeral pyre.
The hands of time tick, a-ticking they are,
They end up nowhere, like a bumper car.
The season is ending, summer draws near
Yet nothing I sight, no sign of my dear.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
"The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely."
- Lorraine Hansberry
seems to make a lot of sense, after all, weren't all geniuses introverted and quirky in their own lil ways? 'it's lonely at the top', they say......
"Love and marriage, Love and marriage
They go together like horse and carriage
Can't have one without the other"
- Love and Marriage, Frank Sinatra
top 2 places where daphne quah receeds to her thoughts:
1. the shower (when she isn't belting her tiny heart out, which she normally wears on her sleeve)
2. travelling alone on public transport (which is soon coming to an end)
IDC 1020 Identity Crisis
been doing some involuntary thinking lately....... have been a very very confused person for a very very long time......... 'don't lose that smile, there're very few happy people like you left' (harris, 2002).............. if a person is (most of e time) intrinsically happy in the company of other people, and always having a crack at jokes and being a monkey, yet the moment they're alone they are filled with an immense deepness of mellowness and thoughtful reflections, coupled with an engulfing sense of melancholy, is that person intrinsically a happy person? or a sad person? have been struggling with this for a long time..... and i dunno what else to say or think, what to conclude....... is it possible to be one and both at the same time? to be happy yet sad? is that mentally possible?
am i a scam?
Monday, August 02, 2004
is this what limbo feels like?
to feel a great sense of inertia, coupled with a hint of resentment and lack of enthusiasm..... dreading the drudgery and aimless routine....... day after day... week after week.. month after month..... where you don't feel welcome, and you don't feel as if you fit in...... you stick out like a sore thumb in the wallpaper....... does that make sense? i can't wait for this to be over, for things to really start, for my life to truly begin..... to pick up where it left off, to test my wings and see if they're fully fledged.......
i can't take this performer's inertia...... i feel like my art is stagnating, my ability is stealthily retreating and i'm losing my touch............. i need to get on that stage.............. call it histrionicism.... narcissism..... showoff-iness....... pride...... lack of humility......... whatever.......
how do you feel free to express yourself as an artist in an environment where you don't even comfortable in? you are suppressed, your art is suppressed....... and you can't give your best........ i need space....... i need encouragement......... i need support........ i need to be praised............. i am an actor........ i am intrinsically self-centred, am i not? so feed me.... please........
on the other hand,
seems evrything's been sorted out, without even being sorted...... it's amazing what time apart can do to two confused minds...... it sets things in their proper places and lights the path for us to see........ and a sense of relief rushed through her, tingling from the base of her spine all the way up to the nape of her neck, then to her brain..........
so one thing's solved, but yet another rises out of the deep and looms overhead.......... will this never end?
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