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Saturday, May 29, 2004
"The unhappiness that I long for is different. It is of the kind that will let me suffer with eagerness and die with lust. That is the unhappiness, or happiness, that I am waiting for."
"It is as lovely as a sunny day in a wet summer. But I suspect that it can't last. This happiness leads to nothing either. It gives contentment, but contentment is no food for me. It lulls the Steppenwolf to sleep and satiates him. But it is not a happiness to die for."
"My happiness fills me with content and I can bear it for a long while yet. But sometimes when happiness leaves a moment's leisure to look about me and long for things, the longing I have is not to keep this happiness forever, but to suffer once again, only more beautifully and less meanly than before. I long for the sufferings that make me ready and willing to die."
~ ' Steppenwolf'
Hermann Hesse
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
i'm really tired, so, so tired of being the nice person, of always compromising for other people, of cleaning up after other people's mess........
there is only so much a person can take...........
u wanna impinge on my personal space, fine
u wanna impinge on my choices, fine
u wanna impigne on my privacy, fine
u wanna impgine on my home, fine
but please, not all at e same time..... i swear if this carried on for another week, i will be under some serious distress and be very very filled with a lot of unvented anger....... i will get testy, and i will get very unreasonable and emotionally volatile....... i need my time at home to do whatever i want whenever i want...... 2's company, 3's a crowd..... it's never been said better......
"and we shall all melt down to nothingness"
right now i do feel like just dissolving into nothing....... so tired, so alone, so jaded, all back up into a corner and nowhere to turn....... no solitude at home, no solitude online, no solitude....... i just won't wanna care anymore, i don't wanna think, i don't wanna feel, i don't wanna bother....... i just wanna just cease to be...... why do we have to feel this way?
Saturday, May 08, 2004
regardless of what they say, u realise that when shit happens, you are on your own...... regardless of whoever's reassurance, whatever intervention and whichever circumstance, unless there is someone in your immediate vicinity who is capable of some mental, emotional, or physical help, otherwise, you really are on your two feet, tryin to solve whatever's been thrown at you....... it could be depressing, yes, that ultimately, regardless of how tight your family circle is, or how many people you know and how many close friends your have, when a problem crops up, and you're looking in whichever direction you can for help or advice, you are standing alone in a desert of emptiness that simply echoes back at you through its' mirages which only serve to deceive and confuse you................... however, you can look at it from the other perspective, that all these trials that are thrown at you which you have to deal with on your own serve only one purpose; that is, to build you and make you a stronger and wiser person than you already are......... there aint no two ways about it......... in a time when you feel you want or you need someone to talk to and there just isn't anyone around, of course, e natural thing to do is panic.................. then you think twice and try to rationalise with yourself.......... it doesnt make sense all e time, and you often question yourself over your own decisions, but it makes you who you are, and trains you to cope with the harsher obstacles which will ultimately be thrown your way..................
in e words of lee phui mun's favourite song, 'no man is an island, no man stands alone', i beg to differ......... we are all a scattering of islands, each one standing on his own, tryin and fightin to stay afloat and retain whatever dignity and composure we have, each one battling his own inner devil and e devil of the others........ some people may share similar traits, some may differ greatly in their reactions to the trails thrown at them..... but ultimately, we are on our own, and can depend on no one but yourself
oh i dunno bout u......... but seeing those pics just make me go all jelly in e knees..... ***swoonswoon***
i want so badly for cake to play here...... sigh
is cake good because they can make use of their singing style and produce good songs? or are they a mediocre band cuz they can only produce songs of a certain style? discuss.
i'd go for e former, anyday...... anyone who claims otherwise, i'm ready to take u on for a full heated head-on debate
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
had a pretty good day i guess....... got home, stepped into e shower, turned e hot water on, and realised whta a good day i had, aside from e cough and runny/stuffed nose, and e throbbing headache which i deduce is a result of my stuffed nose....... but it was a pretty neat day..... regardless of e fact that i had to go to sch 2 hrs earlier than i was supposed to cuz i had to show e tcher my assignment which i didnt show cuz i didn't go to sch yesterday...... so i spent like 1/2 hr running e 3errands i had to do, and spent e remaining one hr writing in my actor's journal...... done with one part, got another part to come up with by tomoro though....... and lecture today was not bad..... certain things fell into place, got some new insight into the definition of 'life' and 'death'...... went to meet e tutor whom i showed e assignment to in e morning and got pretty good feedback.....and she was really nice..... i really like her.... she's totally honest and frank, no buttering of stuff....... and even though some ppl dun lkie her and say she's e american bitch, hey! i tihnk she's awesome! she liked it i guess, and said that some things we did were great....... phew..... plus a couple of mates frm that class told me they liked it too, so yeah, all e effort pretty much paid off i presume...... met my new partner for next week's assignment....... nice guy...... smokes a helluva lot... but it's cuz he's under a lot of stress....... nice leather jacket too....... we spent 1 hr talking to e guys sitting next to us, who happened to be his friends, and e next hr just talking..... im undergoing a 'phase1' crush, which happens to evry single nice guy i meet...... poor dude though, just got out of a 5yr relationship with his girlfriend...... apparently she just broke up w him for no reason........ but they're still best friends, which is cool..... and he's got this buncha childhood friends who're really messed up and he's tryin to distance himself frm em....... he's pretty messed up.... plus he's got a numb right side of his right foot for sitting on it for 12hrs...... beat that.......... and then was time for my performance 'seminar'... which is really more like a workshop-ish tutorial........ that passed really quickly....... although by e time it began my brain was in shut down........ but it was good....... had some fun, gained some knowledge, acquired new insights, and after e class i spoke to a classmate bout 'muriel's wedding'....... ahhh....... managed to get onto e first shuttle bus that came even though e queue looked like e lochness monster revealed...... and thankfully e jam on e highway was in e other direction, so my direction was fine, but e other side of e road was terrible.... gosh.......... wldnt wanan b caught in that jam........ so i conclude, that my day went pretty well, not because my tutor liked my piece of abstract movement, nor because i caught e bus, nor because i met a new potential friend, but because i think i'm starting to overcome my fear of stepping out of my comfort zone, of being the odd asian, and beginning to be comfortable and at ease with who i am, where i am.......
i don't wanna fake it
i just wanna make it
the ornaments look pretty
but they're pulling down the branches of the tree
~ Cake
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