The Big Bag of Random Stuff

The current mood of dyseluxon@hotmail.com at www.imood.com

	The Big Bag of Random Stuff


	We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.


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	Saturday, March 27, 2004 you know how tv shows and ppl always say how they have that one experience that changes their views and outlooks on things in life? well i used to think that such a thing wldn't really happen to me, that i was pretty much in control of things and that my life was pretty much an uneventful smooth sailing journey....... too late. i've only just come to realise how much i have changed and shaped my outlook on certain things so much that i didn't even feel it creeping in....... it's not e things you see that hit you e hardest, it's e things u didn't even know would hit you Millionaire say Got a big shot deal And thrown it all away but But I'm not too sure how I'm supposed to feel Or what I'm supposed to say but I'm not, not sure Not too sure how it feels To handle every day And I miss you love Make room for the prey Cause I'm coming in With what I wanna say but It's gonna hurt And I love the pain A breeding ground for hate but I'm not, not sure Not too sure how it feels To handle every day Like the one that just passed In the crowds of all the people Remember today I've no respect for you And I miss you love I love the way you love But I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back - Miss You Love, Silverchair - dyseluxon, 3/27/2004 07:38:00 PM so young so jaded so alone - dyseluxon, 3/27/2004 06:59:00 PM Thursday, March 25, 2004 thoughts from the bus ride mayb i shoudn't judge someone based on how i perceive things to be. they might be a totally different reality for the person i'm judging. reality is like a prism. where what i see is never exactly the same as what the person on the other side of the spectrum sees. it's all about subjectivity. what i perceive to be wrong could very well be seen as the only right way for another. but what if our jedgementalism is based on a practical analysis? well, there are always two sides to the surfaces aren't there? and 4 sides to a square, and 6 to a cube, which is very much like a square, except with an added dimension. why do we judge? because we are scared. we are afraid of what we do not know and we try to evaluate things we see even before we are able to experience it. we want only what is seem to fit into our comfort zone, and whatever doesn't, we reject. it's a basic human defence mechanism, to protect ourselves from bring hurt, feeling alien, being vulnerable analyses can go either way. no one is right or wrong, and the philosophers, theologians and theorists all have theor own valid points of views. everyone is a theorist in their own right do i save me from myself? or do i save me from the machinations of the complexity of the outside world? what happens when you introduce a hoard of peonies to a garden with a solitary lily? does the lily get drowned out? is variety added to the garden? will the nutrients get all absorbed by the peonies and slowly usurp the lily which becomes one at the bottom of the roots of the peonies? only time can tell - dyseluxon, 3/25/2004 09:02:00 PM Tuesday, March 23, 2004 Fast Facts About Australia 1. spiderwebs exist in superabundance everywhere, yet their creators are extremely elusive to the naked eye some examples of their existence are: - the windscreen wiper of the bus which i take to school everyday - the ledge of my kitchen cabinet (and it's not cuz me kitchen's dirty! we use it everyday!) - above, on, and almost over the light above my balcony (cant reach e darn light, it's too high up) - in between the rails on the crying rack which i hang my clothes on to dry everywhere (i'm baffled) - as a second layer of paint on a certain car parked near me place, from the wheels to the doorhandle to the headlights. literally covering every single inch of e darn car (honest to goodness) - on lil parts of many other cars in me neighbourhood amazing 2. everything here is big people food portions carpark lots model of cars sparrows (which size up to the average mynah) land area, particularly my school...... it's e size of possibly 15 victoria junior colleges (and that's not including the dorm areas already) the flies (which are e size of a well-fed cockroach nymph in singapore..... i'm positive they'll scare e hell out of e lizards that try to eat em) intrigueing - dyseluxon, 3/23/2004 04:56:00 PM { Random Thought Of The Day} The best thing that ever happened to the Singapore arts scene: two giant durians - dyseluxon, 3/23/2004 09:24:00 AM Sunday, March 21, 2004 am i losing my grounding? i know this sounds damn selfish, but how long will i be able to keep taking in all the lament coming my way? will e day come when i just snap? i know he's done so muichy for me, that he's been real nice to me and settling all my stuff for me and all, and gettin all my furniture even before i came over so i'd have evrything fully done for me when i arrive.... ...... but e thing is, i'm already compromisinug so much now........... e only activity he does is shop. no coffee no movies no hanging out no chilling out no drinking no clubbing no pubbin no partyin no having fun no adventure no concerts no gigs no events no festivals no plays no shows. just plain shopping. and im not like that! i like to coffee w friends, i like to watch movies, i like to check out new stuff, i love going for gigs, plays, concerts, events, music festivals, outdoor gigs, pubs, live bands,,,,,,,,,,,,, and i have to compromise and give it all up.......... why do i have to make all e compromises? cuz i'm e less anal one while we were walking to e tram stop to catch a tram home we passed by e city square and a band was playing and i really really wanted to just stay and watch and listen and feel satisfied...... i cant remember e last time i heard a real life band playin truly feel good jazzy numbers, complete with trumpets and all....... and i wanted so bad to reconnect with that part of my life that i had left behind and hadn';t picked up, but he just wanted to go straight home........... my hint just fell flat, just like that.............. and after dinner i was dying to go for a drink, was so in e mood..... e first time i;ve been out in e city at night, and i wanna have a feel of what it's like over here, to try and pick up e pieces of my past lifestyle, but cuz im e only one who feels that way, im overruled........ i feel so empty, so unsatisfied, so shortchanged why is it that i never seem to b on e receiving end of sth that i always try to accommodate ppl? i find myself always compromising, and never once having things my way without having to fight for it myself......... i'm so tired. everyday, the same topics seem to e floating in e air, and im always listening, or tryin to listen, trying to b e nice person and patronising.......... but e point im tryin to make never gets drilled in,,,,,,, 'yah, i know what u mean'...... how many times have i heard that phrase? only to have it repeated to me a few days later? not evrything's about u, and everyone can have their own opinion and thoughts bout things that u find don't reconcile with urs......... that's just too bad............. it's so so draining having to pretend to listen to e same things day in day out, repeating e same things to u dya in day out, telling u that ur idea of fashion and ur friends ideas of fashion dun necessarily have to b e same; that u cant judge ur good friend based on ur standards; that u're not perfect; that clothes arent everything; that ur friends can have their own style and thinking; that just cuz they're willing to spend money on different things as u doesnt mean they're not being money-wise; thatyou can't expect ppl to act e way u wld want them to; that ppl are selfish; that money isnt evrything; that money doesnt make e world go round; that i am sick and tired of hearing e same old things over and over again and having to tell u to snap out of ur lil fantasy world. im always accommodating, i try to please ur evry whim and fancy........ when i dun see things ur way i dun slam ur views......... y cant u try and do e same? y cant u try and play along w me? y cant u accept that we have different lifestyles and i need to break out of e one u're living in? that i am bloody stifled and im suffocating to death cooped 24/7 in e house.......... just cuz u think coffee gigs live bands pubbin clubbin partying drinking hanging out w friends making friends being active in sch having a life going for e happening interesting events in town are boring and a waste of time and money doesant necessarily mean i have to think likewise. i have my own life and dont try to enforce ur life and views on me. there is only so much i can take, and i do not want to break and snap at u cuz it's not gona b pretty and i'm doing all i can to preserve things and keep em hunky dory. don't make me ruin things. i am all bent out of shape and doing my best, don't presume i have to follow ur trail. it's tough having to make e transition frm having no cares in e world and doing what i want, to having to think twice bout what i wanan do cuz it'll affect both of us and thinking bout e effects on u of whatever i do. not all things spin ur way, u have to compromise some day too......... e world doesnt revolve around u i feel like i'm losing my identity, my spirit, my fire. it's a liability i'm a selfish person, i wnat to do whatever i want whenever i want without needing to think bout what u're gonna say cuz it's my life and i want to make e best out of it. dont judge me based on what u like or dislike. it's not fair to me. so tired so so tired y can't i just be totally selfish and do what i want to and be my own person? liabilities suck please give me strength to either endure, or .... i dunno - dyseluxon, 3/21/2004 12:46:00 AM Wednesday, March 10, 2004 thoughts from the bus ride maybe i shouldn't be doing theatre cuz i'm afraid to challenge myself, to put myself out of the comfort zone i've grown accustomed to, the zone where i've no unknown, no risks, no lifelines to tug on, no safety net to fall back on. but if i don't do theatre, i know i'll spend the rest of my conscious life regretting and wallowing, always telling myself that i could be that person on stage everytime i catch a play and living a lie, telling myself i'm content and suffocating the deep dark desire i yearn of the stage. or am i already in denial now? - dyseluxon, 3/10/2004 07:07:00 PM Philosophy 1010 Life Death and Morality sitting in on e lecture, discussing about when ethics clash with human rights and when do we exercise out right to morality brings me back to the T-block with teo aik cher discussing euthanasia during general paper which i always hated and strove to space out on, but i'm back in the same shoes, different situation, trying to make light of it again............ it;'s funny how we try to escape from one thing only to realise that later on, we willingly put ourselves in a situation where we're faced with that same thing day in day out......... is it right to kill a serial killer? because by right, we would gain pleasure from killing him, yes no doubt, but does e pleasure we receive amount to e suffering his loved ones might feel? would the pleasure we receive make up for the suffering his victims have been put through? does God exist? how do we prove that God exists and that the world is dependant on Him? u realise that to put these theories to test, you gotta cast aside all that you believe in and start from ground zero to build up your case, from an unbiased point of view....... how do you argue for something you feel for and prove it with reason? is it possible to simply cast evrything you believe in aside for the moment and prove your stand with an open mind? and since when was life about reason? the only reason that makes life as bearable as it is is that evrything is illogical and unreasonable, and ot take evrything with a pinch of salt................ how then do we fustify ourselves when we've been living so frivolously? on another note, i'm struggling with the notion of simply going to school and doing my work and comin home to study to make sure i do well and keeping up with my work and not even joining e clubs and societies and not even the student theatres and not having a life and not even knowing what the night scene is like in melbourne and not catching plays cuz there're just SO many companies and shows going on and i have no idea what's good and what's not and also i have no source of keeping track of all of em, or to play a darn active role in the uni student theatres and look round at e melbourne theatre companies and see if i can land myself something with them and constantly catch up with the local scene and juggle between school and having a 'life'........... but the crunch, is that the very thought of having to keep up with what's going on, meeting ppl, going round in e huge social circles, keeping appearances, patranosing ppl, just makes me so tired......... but then again, shouldnt i enrich myself with the overseas experience? get to know more ppl? get involved w e local scene here to build up my resume? fully experience and live the culture here so i can broaden my scope? but then again, it's all just too tiring,.......... it's diferent here........ u gotta start from scratch here, from ground zero......... it's tough to build up to the same level as evryone else here when they're got an 18 year start ahead of u........ they know the who's whos and that what-nots......... what do you know? nothing. "lemma" is latin meaning a good thing a 'dilemma' is when you've got good things on your hands, and u dunno which to choose and what to do......... a moral dilemma a social dilemma what're the implications? the risks? the consequences? - dyseluxon, 3/10/2004 12:01:00 AM Saturday, March 06, 2004 just 2 out of my many many many many all time fav songs!~ CAKE "Love You Madly" I don't want to wonder if this is a blunder I don't want to worry whether we're gonna stay together till we die I don't want to jump in unless this music's thumping All the dishes rattle in the cupboards when the elephants arrive I want to love you madly I want to love you now I want to love you madly, way I want to love you, love you Love you madly I don't want to fake it I just want to make it The ornaments look pretty But they're pulling down the branches of the tree I don't want to think about it I don't want to talk about it When I kiss your lips I want to sink down to the bottom of the sea I want to love you madly I want to love you now, yeah I want to love you madly, way I want to love you, love you Love you madly I don't want to hold back I don't want to slip down I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I should have done I don't want to doubt you Know everything about you I don't want to sit across the table from you wishing I could run I want to love you madly I want to love you now I want to love you madly, way I want to love you, love you Love you madly "Walk On By" Walk on by the house where you still live Walk on by the place where we would kiss And the room where i held you tight Tonight i must walk on by Walk on by the room where you still sleep Walk on by the company that you keep And the room where i held you tight Tonight i must walk on by Somehow I know I won't forget you, no, no, no, no, no, i won't You won't forget me, no, no, no, no, no, you won't I'll keep on walking away from here I'll forget you when I reach the other side Walk on by the house where you still live Walk on by the place where we would kiss And the room where i held you tight Tonight i must walk on by And the room where i held you tight Tonight i must walk on by it's funny how 2 such totally different songs on extreme ends of e spectrum can provoke such similar feelings in me when i hear em........... honestly, i cld just listne to em all day, on repeat and not get sick of em, cuz i think they're such spectacularly written and performed songs, filled w energy and feeling........ it's not so much of what they're singing, but how they're singing it.......... just listening to em can really make me feel better if i'm feeling crappy............ it'll b nice to b able to have someone to appreciate such marvellous songs with wouldn't it? just simply love cake........... it's a different sort of love from matchbox........... they're both spectacular in their own ways........ cake for their wacky truthful tunes, and matchbox for their wondrous insights............. - dyseluxon, 3/06/2004 12:40:00 AM Wednesday, March 03, 2004 HELLO!!~! been ages since i did some blogging.... ahhhh......... feeels good ehehe.......... anyhow, spent an eternity uploading my pics........ is it my laptop? or e internet speed? cuz it took forever!!!!~~ well...... it's 0056hrs now........ got classes tomoro... gonna quick quick.... here's some PICCIES!!!~!!~ astro and ME!!!~ flinders street station, the oldest train station in melbourne, complete with clock tower pretty funky poster huh?? pretty mirrorballs!!!~! unfortunately, this was taken in singapore.... eheh, night before i left...... isn't he just adorable?? e poor baby loves sleeping under e futon and when he wakes he bumps his head..... hehehe....... and he loves climbing onto he bed and looking outta e window!!~! precious ain't he?!~ and when u put e muzzler on him he immediately stops all motion and gets very depressed..... ehehe as if it;s e end of e world... eheheh very cute lah!!~! this my living room! this e bro's room!~ this e view frm me room!~ and THIS me room!!~! this me pretty touch lamp this e print on me pretty pillow and quilt and this me pretty cushion on e pretty bed!~ notice hlow they're all matching? eheh disclaimer: i am not turning girly..... i just happen to like that particular type of flower prints............. thyere's still some more wonderous shots of e panoranic view from my balcony........ e pretty pink sunset frm me kitchen........ and otherws i cant remem...... ehehe well...... gotta turn in now....... this just a brief fill-in so folks can know what evrything's like./........... and y am i writing my blog like i'm writing an emnail???!?~!? must be cause i've been replyin to e masive amount of mail for e past 2 hrs.. sheesh!!!~ - dyseluxon, 3/03/2004 01:13:00 AM


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