why is it that we are such decadent beings that we err time and again and yet still carry on with our same malpractise after? that ephemeral moment of remorse doesn't count for much does it? we feel the huge surge of remorse hitting us like a tsunami right after we've thought 'shit, what have i done? why did i do that? what am i to do now?' and for that few hours (if we're lucky it'll b days) afterward we're feeling all sorry and repentent and guilty as hell........... yet bring on temptation and recklessness and good fun and we're back in our swirling cesspool........ why do we do this to ourselves? why do we immerse ourselves in such a filthy downward spiral? why do i never heed other's good advice? worse still, why do i not learn from my stinking lessons? i really feel like kicking myself in the ass........ why am i such a twerp? such a fuckwit? such a pompous all-knowing self-important insolent ungrateful presumptuous rash and ignorant twit? is it in our nature to act like we know what's best for ourselves? when we obviously know zilch? i dun think i'm being too hard on myself...... i think i deserve this............. and why, why am i such a bloody coward? if i dare to run the risk of endangering myself and making the ppl around me worried for my foolishness, why do i not dare to face up to it? why do i try to justify myself and create excuses as if it'll lessen my wrong? why are we so obnoxious?i have no answers whatsoever to these burning questions eating away at me........ they seem like reproachful questions......... yet they just another attempt to justify myself, to right my wrong, to pacify my angry guilty being......... to try and lessen the anger directed towards myself by reproaching myself......... how conceited of me...........

but the Lord has been so kind to me that i feel even more ashamed...... that i don't deserve his care.... even when i'm swimming in my cesspool of sin he sends a lifebuoy next to me, in the hope that even as i imagine to be dipping in a sea of fresh blue, a lifeline would still be there, just in case..........

the endless edgyness...... gripping the edge of my seat........ wondering what the next bombshell dropped would be.......... it's killing me............

the churning of the stomach, the retch i feel rising within me........ the constant fear that someone in blue would turn up at the doorstep......

why do i put myself through all these shit? especially when i have experienced it before, but on a lesser scale............ i have not only inconvenienced myself, but i have dragged my love ones down with me......... they have to share my burden......... the burdan caused by my foolishness and naivety and arrogance........... how fair is that? why do i still put them through it? why can't i let my parents holiday in peace without having to worry bout us back home? why is it always me? sometimes i tihnk i'm too reckless and presumptuous for my own good............ He will take care of me, i tell myself...... and so i go on a rampage to burn all i see in sight, to take my chances with that brief joyride cuz i know that He's there for me......... such folly......... i learn my lessons, yes.... but will i ever truly learn? and not just them flit past my frontal lobes and become wallpaper in my mind?

it's a whole recent spate of events that has set me thinking........ am i such a playdoh? why do i mould so easily to my containments? it's gone to e point where i've smashed both right rims of my reuben........ and the alignment's gone......... why do i put the ppl who love me thru such misery? two blown tyres, a broken rim, a rim gone out of alignment, a bent and scratched bumper, and an unscathed driver.............. both made it from nicoll highway to dunman road in one piece............. miraculous, evryone thinks............... i should be thankful...... i am........ but there's this void in me that wishes it could have been otherwise............ but it's too late for regrets isn't it? and isn't it a personal motto to never regret? true, i still don't regret, i just wish that things could have been different and that i'd been wiser.......... haha..... isn't that such a euphemism for 'i regret'? nope, i refuse to see it that way......... u might say that i have become wiser now, through the process and experience........ but trust me, give me a couple of days and let things return their normalcy and i'll b back to the same old conceited punk......... why do i do that to myself and the ppl around me? why do i lament yet do naught about it?