disgust

that's how i felt bout my sm today...........
i tell other fellow actors 'she scares me'..... it's a bloody euphemism for disgust............ i am like e fleck of dirt perching vicariously upon her nose, and e sight of her sucking up to e directors and actors is just plain. Fucking. Disgusting.

'aiyah i**n, how? we don't have enough water and we need plain water for the actors but we don't have plain water and we cannot just take water from the tap for them right? how ah?'

like didn't we just solve e problem 2 seconds ago when u so confidently told me to go buy a container to hold the boiled water til it cooled.

and it was also when i was in the midst of asking her if she still needed me around.

immediately after rehearsal she's outside, lamenting away (which is all i've ever heard her speak bout) bout something else that she's e antagonised heroine of...... while i am inside packing up....... and when i ask her if anything else needs to b done, she tells me to do this, do that, while she continues sitting outside, merrily chatting away.........

and when things are more or less done, i wanna ask her what else needs to be done so i can get my ass out of e hellhole and away from her sight, she is fucking mingling around, and halfway thru answering my qns, she turns and starts lamenting to some other actor who's in e vicinity......... like seriously, cut the fucking shit.

she bloody tags along w e director and pretends like she's doing so much, talkin like she's under so much stress cuz of problems she's facing w scheduling, while during rehearsals i see her sitting at e back doin fuck-knows-what whil i am seated beside e recording machine recording e songs e actors sing........

when she talks to e actors and directors she's all smiles and gay and ha-ha...... when she talks to me i can practically smell e disdain in her voice...... cuz i know, she can't give me two hoots cuz i'm smaller than some small fry........ ohhh but one day, we'll see, bitch.

bloody hell, i have to run all e fucking errands that miss incompetent doesn't take into account in e first place, and she acts so busy and stressed........ i swear i cld kill her..... then again i dun wanna waste my time w scum like that........

she's like giving me all e dirty small jobs to do while she does all e glam stuff, i get all e shitty things to do and she's all up there being pally w e actors, pretending to b their best friend and 'getting to know em'........ building up rapport while i'm lucky if they say bye to me when they leave......... she's like so afraid i'll overshadow her or sth........... least that's e vibes i get..........

i'm just gonna do my bit and get e hell outta there....... i'm not part of e cast, i'm not best friends w e sm team...... i certainly won't call e directors affectionately by their nicknames........ i'll just sit in my corner and do my bit, but don't think i can be stepped upon.. i'll prove u so wrong............

i just hope things get better when we get to e actual run........ least i'll have pebble on my side........ i hope......