it's interesting how small e world is, not just singapore........... and if u're thinkin bout e theatre/film circle.... gosh! i think u're connected to e rest of e circle in e world if u know 3, maybe 4 ppl..........
in fact, i am 2 degrees away from quentin tarantino!!~! isn't that funky?!~ like 'hey Q'........ eheheh........ no wait,
'm Q.......... eheheh he'll just hafta b T....... ehehe........ or i cld b D......... hmmm......... or we cld b DQ and DT......... AHHAha!~ okie, can it lady........ u're gettin carried away..........
in spore if u know 1 person u know e whole island lah......... 'nuff said.............. what with friendster circulating like a bad epidemic...........
, an oooooooolddd friend frm pri sch just managed to track me down~! WHOA!~ she has friendster and she added ngee ann pri sch to het list and found a classmate of mine and asked her bout me and got my uin frm e classmate!~~! FUNKY!!!~! ***does e elbow dance***
and her tuition tcher's beau is daniel lim's (frm e same pri sch as us, and also same jc as me) brother~!
gosh i cld go on forever, but e ppl in china wld just spoil e market by reproducing...........
, and i'll b able to see my dear brother again~! but i won't b able to have much time for him cuz i'd b reh-ing for cinderel-lah!.......... hmmm......... nights? sundays? and he won't get reuben... AHAHHAHAHA!!!~!~
oh well, last show of myopia run tomoro.......... sigh............. i'll miss being junior......... i'll miss alison, carina and kevin........ i'll miss (tryin to) hide in stupid places where even a bat cld find me........... i'll miss rapping onstage and bouncing to funky music~! ehehehe
and i wish i had a wicked sense of humour.............. and did funny witty things that can make ppl laugh............ and weren't so unsure of myself among a big group of foreign ppl............ sigh............
oh~! and i discovered i have a soft spot for gay men........ ehehhe........... so i foresee my future partner(if applicable) will b highly gay-like........ and might even b a closet gay........ which is good!~ cuz when we have a threesome we'll both b happy and satisfied...... ehehhe
i dunno....... i just find that most of e men i've met who really intrigue me and fascinate me and whom i find r hilariously witty and funny ppl, and whom i think r so adorable and make me just wanna squeeze em and adore em, or even just thinking they're ppl i wanna get to know............. are gay men...........
oh..... and someone commented i seem like i cld b gay........... great.........! my prophecy in e past entry came true~! eheheh move aside e delphi oracle! dQ's here~! ehehehehe
hmmm...... and i remem takin e gay test and being 42% gay......... mayb it's cuz i'm more gay and e gay men r all gay so our frequencies kinda meet in e middle hence i find em enticing? i mean interesting? eheheh oh well............... we'll see how things go............ if it all dun work out.......... LING! remem our 40yrs-old fall back plan~! eheheh
anyhow......... gay or not........ i like em all e same........... eheheh........
disgust
that's how i felt bout my sm today...........
i tell other fellow actors
'she scares me'..... it's a bloody euphemism for
disgust............ i am like e fleck of dirt perching vicariously upon her nose, and e sight of her sucking up to e directors and actors is just plain. Fucking. Disgusting.
'aiyah i**n, how? we don't have enough water and we need plain water for the actors but we don't have plain water and we cannot just take water from the tap for them right? how ah?'
like didn't we just solve e problem 2 seconds ago when u so confidently told me to go buy a container to hold the boiled water til it cooled.
and it was also when i was in the midst of asking her if she still needed me around.
immediately after rehearsal she's outside, lamenting away (which is all i've ever heard her speak bout) bout something else that she's e antagonised heroine of...... while i am inside packing up....... and when i ask her if anything else needs to b done, she tells me to do this, do that, while she continues sitting outside, merrily chatting away.........
and when things are more or less done, i wanna ask her what else needs to be done so i can get my ass out of e hellhole and away from her sight, she is fucking mingling around, and halfway thru answering my qns, she turns and starts lamenting to some other actor who's in e vicinity......... like seriously, cut the fucking shit.
she bloody tags along w e director and pretends like she's doing so much, talkin like she's under so much stress cuz of problems she's facing w scheduling, while during rehearsals i see her sitting at e back doin fuck-knows-what whil i am seated beside e recording machine recording e songs e actors sing........
when she talks to e actors and directors she's all smiles and gay and ha-ha...... when she talks to me i can practically smell e disdain in her voice...... cuz i know, she can't give me two hoots cuz i'm smaller than some small fry........ ohhh but one day, we'll see, bitch.
bloody hell, i have to run all e fucking errands that miss incompetent doesn't take into account in e first place, and she acts so busy and stressed........ i swear i cld kill her..... then again i dun wanna waste my time w scum like that........
she's like giving me all e dirty small jobs to do while she does all e glam stuff, i get all e shitty things to do and she's all up there being pally w e actors, pretending to b their best friend and 'getting to know em'........ building up rapport while i'm lucky if they say bye to me when they leave......... she's like so afraid i'll overshadow her or sth........... least that's e vibes i get..........
i'm just gonna do my bit and get e hell outta there....... i'm not part of e cast, i'm not best friends w e sm team...... i certainly won't call e directors affectionately by their nicknames........ i'll just sit in my corner and do my bit, but don't think i can be stepped upon.. i'll prove u so wrong............
i just hope things get better when we get to e actual run........ least i'll have pebble on my side........ i hope......
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Maybe i could be the one they adore
That could be my reputation
It's where i'm from that lets them think i'm a whore
I'm an educated virgin
Sleepwalker, don't be shy
Now don't open your eyes tonight
You'll be the one that defends my life
While i'm dead asleep dreamin'
Cupid, don't draw back your bow
Sam cooke didn't know what i know
I'll never be your valentine
The sleepwalker in me
And god only know that i've tried
Let me in, let me drown or learn how to swim
Just don't leave me at the window
I could be the one to be your next best friend
You may need someone to hold you
Sleepwalker, take this knife
You may see someone tonight
You'd be the one that saves my life
When i'm dead asleep dreamin'
I'm in your movie and everyone looks sad
But i can hear you, your voice, the laughtrack
But you never saw my best scene
The one where i sleep
Sleepwalk into your dreams
Now, sleepwalker, what's my line
It's only a matter of time
Until i learn to open up my eyes
When i'm dead asleep dreamin'
Cupid, don't draw back your bow
Sam cooke didn't know what i know
I'll never be your valentine
The sleepwalker in me
Now, the sleepwalker in me
Now, the sleepwalker in me
And god only know that i've tried
have u ever felt like u wanted something but u're just too tired to try anymore?
and now after e huge boulders of uni application r over, along comes a more immediate task.........
monday.........
morning: move stuff from wildrice to reh studio
1130hrs: rush to myopia show
1315hrs: rush back to reh studio
1315-1815hrs: cinderel-lah reh
1815hrs: rush to arty party reh
1900-2300hrs: arty party reh
oh wow~! just realised i dun even have time to eat~! how comforting~! sigh.......
y do i do this to myself? know what? enough of self-pity......... i'll just do what i can........ i can't help it if i'm late.......... a gal's gotta eat when a gal's gotta eat..........
i know what my main gripe is....... that i'm a bloody sm.......... and y did i take on e job in e first place when i very clearly told myself i never wanna sm again after e horrible first try?
a) cuz i'm stupid and naive
b) cuz i'm naive enough to think that e 2nd time'll b better
c) cuz i wanna b optimistic and give sm-in a 2nd shot
d) cuz i'm greedy
e) cuz i'd have nothing better to do
f) cuz i see it as an opportunity, a stepping stone to get to know more ppl
g) cuz i over-estimated myself and am takin on more than i can handle
h) cuz i wanna gain exp
i) cuz it's wildrice
........... can i think of any more?
i nearly got myself and ivan heng killed today............ very wise move eh? i'd have turned e whole theatre circle against e quah family...... and that wld b e end of my career in spore...... or even asia........ i dunno
what possessed me to not check for oncomin traffic and follow e car in front blindly.......... and i REALLY mean killed......... if e car travelling towards us hadn't been more alert and swerved and hit e brakes, and ended up a mere metre in front of reuben in a weird position, i wld b wormfood now and reuben wld have a concave right side......... what's wrong w me? is God tryin to tell me sth? i really think i'd get involved in a car accident one day........ really........... i even entertain thoughts of dyin in a crash......... very comforting....... i just dun wanna crash and burn........ just crashin alone's fine.............. leave out e burning.......
mayb i shldn't get hitched or married........... so i won;t have to account to anyone......... so if anything happens to me, there'll b less heartache in e world........ and i can do whatever i want whenever i want without anyone bothering me............ good.
give me my space........ i want my space..........
as cherrie said, it's weighing e pros and cons and deciding that u want e pros enough to decide to live w e cons.......... life's a gamble, nothing's ever definite....... u can't even count on ur loved ones........ u can only count on urself....... and have i decided? do i want blessed love and warmth and commitment? or is it swinging fun and endless partying without havin to answer to anyone? only time will tell
