"... I should think more. I don't think enough. People say so much at these parties, they say a lot. I'm just in it for the... I don't know..."
it really makes u wonder where all these people's thoughts come from......... it's like they spring from a never-ending source of thoughts and observations and memories........... me? i feel like a cipher............ is it cuz i'm still green? of is it cuz my mind's just 'not there'? i don't remem much bout e plays i've watched, i don't think much bout e books i've read and e plays i've watched......... if thoughts occur to me while/after i've read or watched sth, so be it........ i won't make e conscious effort to go think.......... which is something i
should do............ as a striving theatre practitioner i should be actively thinking about and processing all e alternatives and subtext............ but i don't.
i'm too lazy......... how can i strive to become sth greater when e body is willing but e mind is weak?
i read reviews and i'm like 'i wish i cld think like that', much less
write like that............ i like to write, i like e part of writing where e thoughts just flow and i get all into it.............. but i dislike e part where i need a starting point, a yardstick by which to measure myself.......... e part where i need to
think......... i like that i get all into e writing and get carried away, such that to understand what i'm tryin to say u gotta b perfectly intune with what i'm tryin to put across........... yet it irks me that such a quality deems me to b an unsuitable writer for e masses.......
i wanan write for people.......... yet i'm afraid of being told i'm wrong............ i wanan write for me, yet i don't know where to begin............ i wanna spread my words, yet i'm afriad of being judged.............
i just don't get inspiration.......... i wanna do reviews, yet i know i never could.......... what would i write about? nothin intelligent wld surface....... i'd b too afraid to pen it on paper........ nothin too in depth wld b revealed........ i'd b too lazy to think beyond what is given to me on a platter.......
courtesy of hannah's blog, thank u for having a digicam......
i love this picture.............. solitude, strength, stability, isolation, pride, determination, confidence, poignancy, sth contained, ready to burst to life, filled with anticipation, courage, beauty in imperfection, radiance, life, a rock of ages, filled with a lasting presence, achingly perfect, heartwrenching, me, vulnerability,
ephemeral.............
i feel the picture encapsulates all that, and more............. it holds memories, thoughts, ideas, and more so, all the magic and beauty of the theatre, and all e things untold and unsaid........ like apparitions drifting amongst the throngs of life, briefly touching against each other for an ephemeral moment before vapourising into the thick air of life...... to retrieve the moment of spiritual connection is impossible......... similarly, to recreate a particular moment which holds true for u is like sifting through the seas for a drop of dye......... they just blend into and out of each other............. but this picture holds still.......... and though some of e magic of e moment is lost in its' imprisonment in a meaningless square of colours, a different form of truth reaches out and strokes the soul of e needy........... beautiful.
Monday, September 15, 2003
things are really going to be rather different around here........
slowly, gradually evryone's leavin, one after e other............. shld i count myself lucky i'm e last to leave? i always did prefer watchin ppl leave instead of leavin ppl................
if anything, i think i'm stronger now? least i dun think i cried an ocean when ling left......... a month ago i think i wld........... maybe cuz i'm numbed after havin so many ppl leave....... e sense of loss hasn't set in yet........ as of now i'm still numb........ in a limbo....... not really thinking or feeling anything.................. but i'll get used to it... gradually.......... it's a learning process, and i think i can take it...........
i laugh and shiver w dread now at e thought of leavin next jan.............. it would be highly comical if i were bawling my eyes out and not able to thank e ppl who came to see me off properly........ hehehe........ that wld b a real sight.............. then again........... wld there b many ppl to see me off? i dunno..........
wld i feel sad? excited? i have no idea..................
silly me........ got catch22 for ling to read on e plane as a farewell book cuz i think e book's really a gem man.............. and i forget to bring e book............ not very smart are we? i guess i've only got myself to blame........ shld have kept me room neat and tidy so it wldn't have been lyin under a pile of brochures and leaflets and library books and unwanted papers....... sigh............ but just as well........ readin on planes puts e lady to sleep........ and she might have arrived in england w a headache and motion sickness....... so mayb it was a good thing i forgot e book............... ***bites lower lip***
Thursday, September 11, 2003
as promised ling...............
Maki - "Truly Rare"
People of your personality type should visit:
www.life-blood.cjb.net
What would your Japanese name be? (female) brought to you by Quizilla
now i wonder what that means.......... eheheh............
tired.... goin to bed........... nite..........
Saturday, September 06, 2003
and slowly u realise that u've grown more isolated frm e sphere that u once sought so much comfort and warmth in, and at e same time have acquired a much larger world in which things revolve on a far greater axis........ yet due to this the objects are much further away from e core than they once were.......... is this what growing up is like?
to add is not to increase, to add is to dilute.......... now where have i heard this before? is this what's happening?
tired.
