three more weeks and i'd feel three times as empty................

six more months and i'd be torn between bursting with emotions and collapsing inward with emptiness........... ripped apart by abstract powers which are so dominant my life......... if ever there was a "which mental element rules u?" quiz, i'd b a total 117% ruled by my feelings.........

i can't take goodbyes........ i've never had to say goodbye before, and now, i've had to face only 2 goodbyes in e past 5months and it's more than i can take......... how can i imagine 3 more in e next 3 weeks? all on e same day? how can i imagine e infinite amount of goodbyes i'd have to face 6 months later, when i'll be leavin evrything and i'm on e other side of e glass now? it would be infinitely worse.............. wouldn't it be really great if i cld just magically appear in melbourne? no goodbyes no planes no hassle....... and just appear....... even as i am now 6 months away frm leavin, any mere flitter of e thought wld put me in a crumble......... it would gnaw at me like nothing else........ even as i walked down e corridor yesterday morning towards counter6, i felt e incessant gnawing..... reminding me of when my brother left, bringing back e sruge of emotions........ telling me now that hannah's leavin......... e foreshadowing of when i'm about to leave.......... i'm already picturing myself walkintg thru those gates........ and it's something i cannot help............ cannot bear.............. Lord knows how much i wanna put it aside, but i just. simply. cannot. do. it.

it just gets worse

i am weak
i know that, and e mere thought of it kills me........... it makes letting go all e much harder, and it takes all i can give and even more to keep a clear vision..........

i am weak
i feel it in e pits of person, and so i pretend to be strong in other aspects of my self.......... i pretend not to care, so that i will not be plagued by situations which call for me, so that when e time comes to caring, i can pretend i don't give two hoots and hide in a corner by myself, writhing with agony......... perhaps it is cuz i'm a histroinic being......... i'm too selfish and volatile to give myself to others............. which is prob y i never wanna b a teacher............ and prob y i'll live my life out alone and empty........... cuz i'm too scared of losing a part of me....... u can never lose something u never had........

how do ppl do it? i have no idea....... maybe i think too much........ i feel too much........ which is good........ and bad.......... life is made up of dichotomies....... we are dichotomic characters, each and every one of us......... we are e essence of life............... and oh what a hassle it is tryin to live up to life's expectations....... i don't know y i cry, i just do........... and is it bad to do so? nothing in life is ever good or bad, it just is, and yet i feel so, wrong........ like i shouldn't be crying...... yet i do.......... and i dunno what it is that makes me do so or why i do so or how i do so............ am i so weak that i can't even hold back some as impotent as myself? it's not like it's e end of e world, but it's e end of something.... something that matters to me......... and is a part of me............ e death of a some part inside me.......

am i such an easy book to read? do i break easily? y do i always shortchange myself, compromise for others?
these are questions that don't matter, yet plague me to no extent.........

pls Lord, give me strength, something which i don't have, yet i try so hard to pretend i do.........

life is an act, and it's all about how well u can play it and manipulate urself to camouflage the feelings and emotions that course through u........ evryone is a born actor....... it's just how well u fit into others' skins........ those who don't do so well take up normal professions....... those who mould better become thesbians......... and i'm tryin, i'm tryin my very best to keep up the performance......... life is a play in a play......... and e only thing that's holding me back r e emotions......... e floodgates that cannot be controlled no matter how i try......... ***no pun intended, at all*** e emotions just flow, and i can do nothing to stop em....... i can be, but i cannot not be.............. to be or not to be is not a choice at all..........