The Big Bag of Random Stuff

The current mood of dyseluxon@hotmail.com at www.imood.com

	The Big Bag of Random Stuff


	We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.


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	Monday, March 31, 2003 reflections i know i'm not a selfless being.......... neither am i the epitome of selfishness............ but y can't ppl think outside of themselves? y can't they be happy for others without first thinking of themselves? a friend was appalled that i was driving........ not so much by e fact that it was i who was driving.... but more of e fact that it was someone she knew who was driving....... that she herself wasn't driving.......... that someone she knew was driving and not *her........... it's not a personal attack................ but y do we always compare ourselves to the others? y do we place ourselves side by side and compare and contrast to see who's got what and who's where? y can't we be satisfied w what we have and who we are? y can't we be genuinely happy for someone who's got what we don't? y can't we be thankful for them? y can't we count our own numerous blessings without having other ppl come into view? y can't we accept ourselves for who we are and not who we are not? y can't we be thankful for what we have and not lament over what others have that we don't? i try........... i really do............ but sometimes i get so tired......... and at e end of e day i wonder if it was worth it.............. i really don't know.............. i'm so spent......... Quote of the Day* Bad things happen to good people......... it's a fact and we have to accept it.......... - dyseluxon, 3/31/2003 01:50:00 AM a dedication to. Take your head around the world See what you get From your mind Write your soul down word for word See who's your friend Who is kind It's almost like a disease I know soon you will be Over the lies, you'll be strong You'll be rich in love and you will carry on But no - Oh no No you won't be mine Take your straight line for a curve Make it stretch, the same old line Try to find if it was worth what you spent Why you're guilty for the way You're feeling now It's almost like being free And I know soon you will be Over the lies, you'll be strong You'll be rich in love and you will carry on But no - Oh no No you won't be mine Take yourself out to the curb Sit and wait A fool for life It's almost like a disease I know soon you will be Over the lies, you'll be strong You'll be rich in love and you will carry on But no - Oh no No you won't be mine - 'You Won't Be Mine' , matchboxtwenty - dyseluxon, 3/31/2003 01:35:00 AM Sunday, March 30, 2003 is it a form of self-idolatry? where i wanna see myself on stage, leading e audience on in this make-believe world for just that few hundred minutes of their lives?? to believe that i can escape from the person that i am for that few moments and be someone else, some who exists only in the mind and on stage, where outside of the perimeters is but made up of a series of words on paper? is it wrong? am i placing myself above all else whereby i wanna bathe in that attention, in e knowledge of e power that i am leading the audience by e hand, that i am pulling e storyline on ahead and no one, nothing, can can stop me from fooling these ppl; from lying to them and blatently painting myself out as who i am not? is this a form of self-indulgence? of selfish indulgent behaviour? of wanting to glorify myself and gratify my inner being? doubting the Lord of what He gave me............. of affirming myself of all i am? am i belittling Him in assuring myself of my abilities? don't i trust Him enough to know what He bestowed me with? why must i prove to myself? to others? to others whom don't matter to me? fame and gratification last but for an ephemeral moment......... but Him............. He's here to stay eternally............................ so why do i seek e former? why don't i have enough faith in the latter? why do i resort to self means instead of relying on the unknown macrocosmic divine powers? is my insecurity that profound? do i need reassurance and seek comfort that greedily? that i am willing to throw aside the unconditional unseen reassurance of the Maker for my own little insignificant passing glory? Delusion. Disillusion. which is which? - dyseluxon, 3/30/2003 06:42:00 PM the magic 'if' - dyseluxon, 3/30/2003 06:28:00 PM Friday, March 28, 2003 i'm sure right now many gals wish they were in my shoes.............. least for that one evening............ either that, or i'd have an anti-fan club now........ ehehhe.......... but well......... it's amazing how ppl need to idolize someone................ how they yearn for someone so desperately u wonder what actually makes their bodily functions tick........... they express the insurmountable need to b near that someone; to touch that person; to hold him............... yet what they time does come, and they get all that they ever wished for, and more............. they realise that that someone's not what they want........................ they want someone perfect to behold before their eyes.......... they wanna believe that a perfect being exists............ hence the incessant idolatry whereby they hanker after something that's completely untouchable and unreachable.............. mayb i'm like that too................. the notion no one is perfect is a fact taken for granted by me............ i relish in my land of finding that someone who's perfect........... and when i do see their faults............... i slink away like a fox put to shame............. i shy away like a boxer that just lost his first match since he started boxing eons ago......... i recoil even at the notion of mere contact........................... am i that lost? am i just as artificial? am i just as deluded? perhas that's just what i am.......... disillusioned.............. but what if................. the world that we set out to sought after was not what we had in mind? the brilliant incipience overcast by the artificiality and facades of others......... what then? when all you strived for has crumbled in a mass of rubble at your feet............. is there anything else u can live for? when u realise that all u've built up upon is gone? - dyseluxon, 3/28/2003 02:02:00 AM Friday, March 21, 2003 bl, when u said i was selfish in wanting to go study somewhere near my bro so i cld stay w him and makes things more convenient and set my parents' hearts at ease..... i disputed u............ i said i was being selfless............... u said i was selfish cuz i didn't wanna step out of my comfort zone of having someone near me........... i don't see how selfish that can get, when at e end of e day, evryone benefits from it.... except me.......... cuz i don't get to study what i really wanan tajke cuz it's too far away..... cuz i'd *quote* die travelling *unquote.......... but somehow............ i feel.......... that evry now and then, evryone has to be selfish at one point or another............ to indulge in themselves........... to make emselves feel good................. cuz if we don't,............... we'll just implode from all e pent up emotions within us................ i felt so liek bloggin twice in e past 3 days.............. felt e violent urge to pen down e torrent of thoughts running thru me................... but i didn't....... and now i seem to have kinda lost it............. well............ nvm............. they're all at e back of my mind.............. but one thing's for sure............ i am selfish........... not in e way u said it bl.................... but in another way............... if u do recall our conversation just now........... u'll know what i mean.................... very so often we make use of the ppl around us just so to make us feel better bout ourselves.............. when we don't really appreciate what e other person is doing, the very fact that e person is doing it for u.......... is what counts.......... isn't it true? don't tell me i'm wrong........ i know i'm not............. somewhere within that nice demeanor there lies a selfish narcissistic callous entity wanting to be fed.............. - dyseluxon, 3/21/2003 03:43:00 AM Saturday, March 15, 2003 have u ever thought back on to ur old sch days? when evrything was simple and plain, and evryone out forthright and frank? somehow, as the years pass, the ability to stolidly call someone a friend, to know for sure that wherever u turn, that person will be two steps behind you, no more; no less, just fades with time.............. there is no such thing as friends forever............ well.......... mayb it starts off that way............ but the friends* bit slowly fades to becomes acquaintances........... in primary sch u said things that u meant then, however impossible they were.............. things like friends forever.......... best friends forever......... now.......... u say things u don't mean............. however possible they are................ like keep in touch............. let's meet up sometime.......... things become touch-and-go.................. flitting images from a broken projector............ thank you darren for showing me that, in your own little unknowing way........... someday lil brother, you'll see what i mean.............. blood is thicker than water.......... how many of us actually believe that? not many Quote from Legends of the Fall, beautifully poignant movie............ i can watch it a million times............ it's amazing how fickle the human spirit is, yet no one realises.......... and loves the human for its fickleness................ 'Forever was too long' ouch It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall how you take your heart and turn it off how I turn my head and lose it all It's unnerving how just one move puts me by myself there you go just trusting someone else now I know I put us both through hell I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on I just didn't wanna let it get away from me But if that's how it's gonna leave straight out from underneath then we'll see who's sorry now If that's how it's gonna stand, when you know you've been depending on the one you're leaving now the one you're leaving out It's aggravating how you threw me on and you tore me out how your good intentions turn to doubt the way you needed time to sort it out Tell me is that how it's going to end when you know you've been depending on the one you're leaving now and the one you're leaving out - 'Leave' , Matchboxtwenty - dyseluxon, 3/15/2003 05:22:00 PM it's amazing how such a huge piece of our future's dependant on that one slip of paper; that one recommendation; that one box to tick in................. have u ever wondered what's gonna happen now? and faced a blank wall that stares back at u.......... e smooth flawless surface stretched out for miles and e cool reverberation of ur question just repeats itself over and over again, each time softer than the previous, until it gradually fades out into the distance? i have...... i am i dunno when vca's gonna reply me.......... if they'll ever reply me............. mindlessly plunging into something i had a vague notion about, and falling headlong into it........ unable to clamber out and stuck in it's abyss.......... how do u endeavour to emerge as the triumphant few in a circle so elite that only approx. 15 are chosen worldwide? not to forget we are asian...... with yellow skin and dark hair......... among the fair hair and skinned ones................. when all your hopes are pinned on it, and the next 2yrs depends solely on it........... and you have absolutely no way to do anything about it........... all you can do, is wait........... for the reply from a faceless entity, telling you to further wait.................. and when the finally time comes, you don't know if all the waiting will eventually pay off............. or if you'll just fall flat on your face...... again....... and not know where to turn to................ except to wait........ and see if an option opens up............. the inertia.......... the inability to do something concrete, that nothing can be done, and evrything lies in someone elses hands.......... is killing me.............. i cannot take this uncertainty, this lack of knowledge of what lies ahead............... am i to spend the next year and a half in such a limbo? pls Lord......... give me a sign; guide me along; show me the path................. i don't know what i can do - dyseluxon, 3/15/2003 05:09:00 PM Sunday, March 09, 2003 i am angry i am so pissed i dunno what e fuck i can do to make myself feel better blame other people? vent my frustration on someone else? the more i try to blame someone else; the testier i get; the more irritable i become; the more i get pissed off w e people around me whom i expect to just disappear and leave me alone, the worse i feel. i am so angry....... with myself it's difficult to actually turn around and point the finger at myself, but i realise that if i don't, i won't be able to set my heart at ease......... it's so easy to just hurl curses and swears at the world around us...... the inconsiderate people, the selfish people, the thoughtless people............. but ultimately, the hardest person to forgive is always oneself.............. for we all think we're perfect and not subject to the very same vices and flaws that we reprimand others for....... but we're not.......... and when we make the same mistake, it's so much harder to accept our own flaws............... for our imperfection how do you forgive yourself? today's sermon was about forgiveness............ about forgiving other people who have done us wrongs or injustices....... people who are scum and lowly.......... people who don't deserve what they get............... but it didn't touch on forgiving oneself............. the torment was almost enough to kill............. the agony, the vileness that fills yourself............ that you refuse to acknowledge and just wish that you could push it all unto someone else.......... some faceless scapegoat.............. but it's not possible............... for it all falls flat................ and returns to haunt you............ until you can come to terms with your own imperfection......... your vulnerability............ your lack of judgement.............. and say to yourself 'it wasn't your fault....... you really didn't know any better............. there is nothing you can do now.............. evrything happens for a reason.......... and that it's all in His hands'........... then can you find peace....... So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache Heavy on the memory, you need most still want love, ugly, smooth and delicate not without affection, not alone And instead of wishing that it would get better man you're seeing that you just get angrier And it's good that I'm not angry I just need to get over, I'm not angry, anymore Cry when you cry, run when you run love when you love represent the ashes that you leave behind And instead of wishing that the road had shoulder man you're seeing that you're sinking over time And it's good that I'm not angry I just need to get over I'm not angry it's dragging me under I'm not angry I'm not angry it's never been enough it gets inside and it tears you up I'm not angry but I've never been above it you see through me don't you - 'Angry' , Matchboxtwenty - dyseluxon, 3/09/2003 11:44:00 PM Monday, March 03, 2003 Vagueness and objectless anxiety in the present, and in the future a continual sacrifice leading to nothing - that was all that lay before him. What had he to live for? What had he to look forward to? Why should he strive? To live in order to exist? Why, he had been ready a thousand times before to give up existence for the sake of an idea, for a hope, even for a fancy. Mere existence had always been too little for him; he had always wanted more. Perhaps it was just because of the strength of his desires that he had thought himself a man to whom more was permissible than to others. - Crime and Punishment isn't it true how many of us think ourselves more worthy and deserving than others? is this a common phenomenon, of the human self; the fantasies and delusions......... or is it human nature? to be so base and vile and self-assuming that we place ourselves on a pedestal before the others in our own eyes? but often....... it is this quest for greatness, for the massive, that crushes us, and disables us more than it aids us............ and deems us even lower than we were before........... - dyseluxon, 3/03/2003 05:12:00 PM Last time I talked to you, You were lonely and out of place You were looking down on me, Lost out in space We laid underneath the stars, Strung out and feeling brave I watched the red orange glow, I watched you float away Down here in the atmosphere, Garbage and city lights You've gone to save your tired soul, You've gone to save our lives I turned on the radio, To find you on satellite I’m waiting for this sky to fall, I’m waiting for a sign All we are is all so far You're falling back to me You're a star that I can see I know you're out there Somewhere out there You're falling out of reach Defying gravity I know you're out there Somewhere out there Hope you remember me, When you're home sick and need a change I miss your purple hair, I miss the way you taste I know you'll come back someday, On a bed of nails I’ll wait I’m praying that you don’t burn out Or fade away All we are is all so far You're falling back to me You're a star that I can see I know you're out there Somewhere out there You're falling out of reach Defying gravity I know you're out there Somewhere out there You're falling back to me You're a star that I can see I know you're out there You're falling out of reach Defying gravity I know you're out there Somewhere out there You're falling back to me I know I know You're falling out of reach I know - dyseluxon, 3/03/2003 02:51:00 AM Sunday, March 02, 2003 okie......... pop quiz.......... what is liboM?? quickquick!!~! it really is a brand, and i really did see it somewhere........ though not in e form u'd expect it to be......... can someone make a quick guess?? what's liboM?? it's amazing how something so commonplace to you can suddenly be offered to you in a whole new different prospect through such a common medium which u've completely taken for granted all the time.............. (this is with relation to the previous qns posed...... eheh) if u're torn between obligation and practicality............ which do u choose? knowing that if u choose practicality u'll risk going back on your word w someone but make loads of ppl happier and more relieved and lighten their burden and unease......... but choosing obligation would make the ppl closest to u sadder and more worried.......... but u've gotta keep your word right? i dunno........... it's a semi catch22........ an almost chicken-and-egg situation......... which do u choose? it's like wld u rather b deaf or blind? i wld give anything to keep my sight..... to live in a world of darkness is so frightsome.......... e thought of it just scares e pants off me......... but then again............. what good is your sight if u can see a fantastic wonderful band.............. see e audience go wild before ur very eyes......... yet u cld never feel the ecstasy they're goin thru just cuz u lack that one sense................. what do u do? - dyseluxon, 3/02/2003 08:17:00 PM


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