a reality that i hold the knowledge to, yet not the realisation of

small things hit me badly...........
i cried when i found out i got b3 for eng in e olevels...............
i positively howled for 5 hours non-stop when rizal left vj after 3 months............

yet now............
my bro leaves for australia...........oppss......... correction............ left for australia this morn.............. left e house weeping quietly.......... came back weeping silently............... choked on all my words in e airport................. sobbed when he entered...........

i know he's gone............... won't be back for another... what?? prob a year?.......... won't get to see him till june?? that is, if we do go over............. things are as per normal......... i know i lag......... sometime tonight, probably before bedtime, when i usually hang round in his room, siting behind him on his bed watching him play diablo or red alaert, listenin to him complain.......... spewing nonsense to him............... telling me 'eh u wake up your idea lah!'............ 'eh u very nonsense!'................... replaced by an insufferable silence....... an emptiness............. swelling and swallowing you whole.................

when i think of how much we'll miss him, how diff things'll b without him around............... i realise how much tougher things'll be for him............ in a strange foreign country............... with only 2 friends in a lonely land..................... his apartment still unfurnished............... they're goin furniture shopping tomoro......... gonna stay in a hotel tonight.............. then i realise how little i'm going thru compared to him............... his cheery demeanor at e airport, only to break out into a twisted expression of anguish and insecurity.............. like a baby's first step away from his mother........... the unwilling prying from the arms of comfort...............
soon it'll be my turn..............

it was as if the dog knew what was to come.......... when we were all gathered outside e house getting ready to go, he stood firm, refusing to budge.......... until my bro had to cajole him back into e house................ e way in which he held e cezzane...... e unspoken affection........ his gentle carresses and hugs.......... it broke my heart to see his pained anguish at having to leave e apple of his eye behind........... and i wonder how cezzane will feel............. when day after day, he'll sit at e door, gazing outside, awaiting his return.......... and getting naught................. will he know? will he feel abandoned??

i want to cry, to just let e tears engulf me and get lost in them, to seek comfort in em.......... but i can't............. i've got to 'pull myself together and be strong'......... as kelvin's mum puts it............... i've got to be strong for my family............. for now e heavy responsibility of evrything lies upon my shoulders.................. and i dunno if i can hold it up............