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We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Sunday, February 16, 2003
 
it's as if the whole household is in some kinda silent unspoken mourning

chatter chatter...... joke joke......... laugh laugh............
is it just me? but i find us trying to make up conversation....... about anything....... to laugh.... to joke........... so as not to talk bout e taboo topic....... or person........ for bring it/him up would only result in further heartache............
i made e mistake of bringing him up........ and there was a moment of harmless chatter bout his leaving us............ how kelvin's mum consoling us at e airport only made it all e more worse......... not better.............. and my mum told us to hush................ for my dad was upset.......... there he was........ alone in e living room......... out of sight........... then there was silence............. and i heard my mum sniffle............ my lil bro was just...... well......... painfully oblivious.............. me? well........ the lil swine........... i found myself tearing............ but not e usual flooded face it'd have been............. reason being? i had had my fair share of tears just half an hr ago......... hidden in e comforts of e 4walls of my room............

i find myself a swine............... hiding and covering up my pain......... sobbing my heart out in isolation............ so that when i do emerge........ i can put on e strong front.......... i feel like i'm lying to em.............. maybe i'm trying to be strong for em........... mayb i'm just too coward to show my own pain.............. either way............. e emptiness is still there..................

i lied........... said i was tired......... wanted to go to bed early................. in reality? i cldn't take e overwhelming emptiness............. i thought mayb my lil bro was waiting for me........... waiting for me to share his loneliness.......... but i was too coward to face it......... too weak to hold him up.......... i chose to run away........ into my own lil orifice and cry myself to sleep............... will he be stronger?

when i awoke to 3 smses.......... i was overjoyed to find 2 frm him.......... i wept tears of joy...... anguish.... pain....... relief............ til i was numb............. so that when i related his msg to my parents i cld do it without a show of emotions............. without breaking down................. i feel like such a lie.......... why do i have to hide my feelings and emotions?

and it seemed that suddenly.......... in e snap of e fingers.......... all e pain is gone........... i am numbed.......... in e confines of e bathroom....... salt tears were mingled w crisp cold sharp jolts of clear water........... and it seemed like there was going to be no end to e built up; restrained; held back; controlled; suppressed tears........... when all of a sudden........... thru a blurred stinging vision.......... all form of feeling ceased............. within e instant a lightning bolt takes to crack, e pain was gone............. i couldn't comprehend it............... it felt better that i was able to stand firm................

yet in e presence of e family........... e gaping hole of e missing person is just so huge it is impossible to fill up.... or even to just ignore........... especially when u're looking at photos of him........ that he said he'd develop but conveniently forgot........... tying up e loose ends he left behind........... how do u pretend like evrything's alright? when it isn't? how do u try to be strong? when u aren't? and how do u share someone else's pain? when u can't even being to contain ur own?

i just wanna b alone............... and be myself............ and be true to myself............ and be held up by no one.................

even looking at cezzane is hard enough as it is.................. he's like the extension of him left behind..........

 

 
   
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