The current mood of dyseluxon@hotmail.com at www.imood.com

 
The Big Bag of Random Stuff
 

 
We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
 
this article is just powerful...... evryone involved w e lysistrata project..... u gotta read it....... evryone not involved w e project........ u must have a read..........

A Letter to the London Observer from Monty Python's Terry Jones
Sunday January 26, 2003/The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.

Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate
all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street not all Muslims?

Monday, February 24, 2003
 
i wonder how self-righteous people deal with their own imperfections............

do they brush it off as part of their 'perfect being'? or as e tiny flaw that God missed when making em? or that nobody can b perfect, hence they have to suffer along w e rest of e ignorant masses and have tiny unspottable errors in character?

well.......... i for one knew one such being in my batch........ and trust me......... he was FAR from perfection..... and that itself is a gruesome understatement........... if i had to work w him for anything more than that torturous months we spent tolerating him and him tormenting us....... his dictatorship way of working........ if i can even call it 'working'.... instead of 'ruling'........ i mean.... which part of 'group' didn't he understand? i still can't fathom his mind.......... or lack of..... hmmmm.......... i mean.......... if 3 other ppl think something's great........ and if u're all in a grp.......... just play along right? even if u think it sucks, just gently raise ur opinion and if they're insistent just patronise em......... but NOoooooooooOOOoo........ it's either his way, or his way....... or we cld try his other way........ period........ and oh~! don't get me started on self-contradiction and double standards!!~! i'd be here till daybreak!!~ i wld have ripped his head out of his neck w his spine trailing behind and bits of him flying all over e place......... and been grinning maniacally while doing it....... and possibly even laughing out loud and really totally believed i was doing mankind a humongous favour.............. well.......... haven't been granted that honour............ the govt's been keeping him safe where he shld be kept.......... along w e other self-righteous members of e same sex on a lil tiny island not too far away.................. ***ahem***

well............. i for one am pretty dissed off right now by a certain member of e same sex........ ***surprisesurprise*** no prizes for guessing......... i mean.......... who's to tell me how i shld b acting? mmmm?? my mum? dad? not even my bro.......... so whatever~! u can have it out w my pretty behind.......... and gee.... guess what? i'm not surprised if i'm labelled as 'over-reacting' again........ or 'melodramatic'............... or whatever!~ they can all have it out w me.... i sure as hell dun give a pretty damn......... i've got more things to care bout............ like where i'm gonna get my manicure done....... or waxing my car..... or polishing my boots............ of which i never do any.......... so u can just about guess how many hoots i give to em............ here's to e 'imperfect ones'!!~ ***clink***

Thursday, February 20, 2003
 
it feels as if the transition has been completed.............

it's like me being able to drive has brought a conclusion to my brother's departure........... that i'm able to fit into his shoes.............. and boy.... they weren't exactly e smallest shoes to fill.............. i've successfully taken over e responsibilities of being e eldest child around........... handling all e barang barang stuff..........
the tension that has been emveloping me the past 4days has finally vaporised magically........... i can now talk freely bout my bro.... so cna my mum.............except my dd..... whose eyes i notice........ still redden whenever we talk bout him......... or is it just me? who would have thought e toughest, immovable figure in e family is e softest, most broken one............ i still miss him......... and e void is still ever so present........... but i've come to terms w and accepted his departure.............. and i've reached e stage of takin over his household responsibilities........... taking his place in e familial hierarchy of responsibilities and errand running..............

well............ it's like now i can really get on with life.............. i can leave e burden behind........... e burden of fearing that i'll never live up to his standards......... the resolution has been complete.... the key's fit into the lock and things can run smooth now....................

Sunday, February 16, 2003
 
it's as if the whole household is in some kinda silent unspoken mourning

chatter chatter...... joke joke......... laugh laugh............
is it just me? but i find us trying to make up conversation....... about anything....... to laugh.... to joke........... so as not to talk bout e taboo topic....... or person........ for bring it/him up would only result in further heartache............
i made e mistake of bringing him up........ and there was a moment of harmless chatter bout his leaving us............ how kelvin's mum consoling us at e airport only made it all e more worse......... not better.............. and my mum told us to hush................ for my dad was upset.......... there he was........ alone in e living room......... out of sight........... then there was silence............. and i heard my mum sniffle............ my lil bro was just...... well......... painfully oblivious.............. me? well........ the lil swine........... i found myself tearing............ but not e usual flooded face it'd have been............. reason being? i had had my fair share of tears just half an hr ago......... hidden in e comforts of e 4walls of my room............

i find myself a swine............... hiding and covering up my pain......... sobbing my heart out in isolation............ so that when i do emerge........ i can put on e strong front.......... i feel like i'm lying to em.............. maybe i'm trying to be strong for em........... mayb i'm just too coward to show my own pain.............. either way............. e emptiness is still there..................

i lied........... said i was tired......... wanted to go to bed early................. in reality? i cldn't take e overwhelming emptiness............. i thought mayb my lil bro was waiting for me........... waiting for me to share his loneliness.......... but i was too coward to face it......... too weak to hold him up.......... i chose to run away........ into my own lil orifice and cry myself to sleep............... will he be stronger?

when i awoke to 3 smses.......... i was overjoyed to find 2 frm him.......... i wept tears of joy...... anguish.... pain....... relief............ til i was numb............. so that when i related his msg to my parents i cld do it without a show of emotions............. without breaking down................. i feel like such a lie.......... why do i have to hide my feelings and emotions?

and it seemed that suddenly.......... in e snap of e fingers.......... all e pain is gone........... i am numbed.......... in e confines of e bathroom....... salt tears were mingled w crisp cold sharp jolts of clear water........... and it seemed like there was going to be no end to e built up; restrained; held back; controlled; suppressed tears........... when all of a sudden........... thru a blurred stinging vision.......... all form of feeling ceased............. within e instant a lightning bolt takes to crack, e pain was gone............. i couldn't comprehend it............... it felt better that i was able to stand firm................

yet in e presence of e family........... e gaping hole of e missing person is just so huge it is impossible to fill up.... or even to just ignore........... especially when u're looking at photos of him........ that he said he'd develop but conveniently forgot........... tying up e loose ends he left behind........... how do u pretend like evrything's alright? when it isn't? how do u try to be strong? when u aren't? and how do u share someone else's pain? when u can't even being to contain ur own?

i just wanna b alone............... and be myself............ and be true to myself............ and be held up by no one.................

even looking at cezzane is hard enough as it is.................. he's like the extension of him left behind..........

Saturday, February 15, 2003
 
the sense of loss is immeasurable
 
a reality that i hold the knowledge to, yet not the realisation of

small things hit me badly...........
i cried when i found out i got b3 for eng in e olevels...............
i positively howled for 5 hours non-stop when rizal left vj after 3 months............

yet now............
my bro leaves for australia...........oppss......... correction............ left for australia this morn.............. left e house weeping quietly.......... came back weeping silently............... choked on all my words in e airport................. sobbed when he entered...........

i know he's gone............... won't be back for another... what?? prob a year?.......... won't get to see him till june?? that is, if we do go over............. things are as per normal......... i know i lag......... sometime tonight, probably before bedtime, when i usually hang round in his room, siting behind him on his bed watching him play diablo or red alaert, listenin to him complain.......... spewing nonsense to him............... telling me 'eh u wake up your idea lah!'............ 'eh u very nonsense!'................... replaced by an insufferable silence....... an emptiness............. swelling and swallowing you whole.................

when i think of how much we'll miss him, how diff things'll b without him around............... i realise how much tougher things'll be for him............ in a strange foreign country............... with only 2 friends in a lonely land..................... his apartment still unfurnished............... they're goin furniture shopping tomoro......... gonna stay in a hotel tonight.............. then i realise how little i'm going thru compared to him............... his cheery demeanor at e airport, only to break out into a twisted expression of anguish and insecurity.............. like a baby's first step away from his mother........... the unwilling prying from the arms of comfort...............
soon it'll be my turn..............

it was as if the dog knew what was to come.......... when we were all gathered outside e house getting ready to go, he stood firm, refusing to budge.......... until my bro had to cajole him back into e house................ e way in which he held e cezzane...... e unspoken affection........ his gentle carresses and hugs.......... it broke my heart to see his pained anguish at having to leave e apple of his eye behind........... and i wonder how cezzane will feel............. when day after day, he'll sit at e door, gazing outside, awaiting his return.......... and getting naught................. will he know? will he feel abandoned??

i want to cry, to just let e tears engulf me and get lost in them, to seek comfort in em.......... but i can't............. i've got to 'pull myself together and be strong'......... as kelvin's mum puts it............... i've got to be strong for my family............. for now e heavy responsibility of evrything lies upon my shoulders.................. and i dunno if i can hold it up............

Friday, February 14, 2003
 
4 cakes.......... one home-made durian cream cake................ one haagen-daz macadamia brittle cake............. one nydc cheesecake w chocolate icing and lil bits of chocolate and cookies........... and one chocolate mousse cake from baker's inn................

and i thought this year's bday was gonna b a quiet one............. that is, if u think standing on e couch in e middle of nydc blowing out e candles on ur cake w a straw that looks as long as ur intestines unwinded w ur friends sitting round u clapping and singing happy birthday while u're gettin asthmatic............... or sitting in e middle of a pub w e singer on stage singing a bday song and looking pointedly at u and e bartender walks up to u w e cake w lighted candles in his hands........... while e whole pub stares at u and ur friends r watching ur reaction......... (mind u......... there was one missing candle.............. eheheh.........)
nope.......... dun think it's quiet..............
well......... it sure beats a buffet-cum-bbq w evry single person i know and them not knowing evryone else right? ehehe............... ***crickets crick in e background***

it was a night of favourites..................... thank you guys, kerri, hannah jiayin cherrie angie daphneLIM galvin jo liz jennifer feibs.......... even mark fabian and wills.......... and e sexy hot babe and e bootilicious waitress...... but we digress........... ***ahem*** my fav sappy song by willlie nelson 'always on my mind'......... dedicated to me specially by my fav songbird.......... my fav sarah mclachlan song 'do what you have to do'............... my other fav sappy goldie oldie moldie slowdie 'evrything i do i do it for u' by bryan adams............... my fav jazz song 'let's call e whole thing off'......... done wonderfully by my fav songbird....... my fav class song......... sung by my fav ppl in e world......... tsdians........... at e top of our lungs.............. in a claustrophobic lil pub which happens to be my fav pub too............ drinking my fav drink, a black russian............ e night was simply magical................. i imagine e effort and thought gone into e preparation and planning............ and i realise how much i have.......... how tremendously i am blessed.............. and i thank You Lord, for showing me what a truly blessed life i lead................... i once thought that i'd have a rather uneventful bday to hold to memory.............. what w e laziness and just sitting back and not trying to plan any party............ but things have a way of working........... when you don't expect anything............. u see for yourself what you actually possess............... i am so blessed w e wonderous friendships i've forged over e past 2 yrs....... 2 awfully short yrs fraught full of events............. yet the bond is so strong that we still feel akin to each other even when we don't see each other for ages............

the night doesn't last......... it can't............... but i hope........ that the friendships will......... the closeness..... e feelings......... and e emotions......... amazing ppl with an equally amazing ability to love, share and express................ thanks loads again babes and dude.............. remem lofty recounting his past bdays? well......... this certainly won't b one that i'll forget............... ***gringrin*** when i'm old and grey and 58........ ehehehe............. unless of course............ i get alzheimer's....... or dementia.......... or just plain schizo........ argueing whose bday it was that u guys threw a surprise for in a pub........ eheheheh........... was it daphne's? or dq? i thought it was e sick bitch?!~?!? eheheh.............. cheerios darlinKs........... may cows rule!!~!!~! ***winkwink***

Thursday, February 13, 2003
 
as soon as you're born you start dying

i did not know i was dying until he told me i was well

who can safely says he fully comprehends the meaning of these words?
how many ppl actually see things this way?
how many ppl actually accept e truth and light of e situation?

when can we see things for what they are, and not what they're made out to be?
me? i dunno........... i'd b blatently lying if i said i'm one of e enlightened few..... if there're even any................... but i'm too proud to label myself one of e ignorants..............

at e end of e day............ it's our own pride and sense of self that destroys us....... our faith............. our strength................ our abilities.............. our confidence.................. our selves..................

Well, your CD collection looks shiny and costly.
How much did you pay for your bad Moto Guzi?
And how much did you spend on your black leather jacket?
Is it you or your parents in this income tax bracket?

Now tickets to concerts and drinking at clubs,
Sometimes for music that you haven't even heard of.
And how much did you pay for your rock'n'roll t-shirt
That proves you were there,
That you heard of them first?

How do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
How do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
How do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
Ah, tell me.

How much did you pay for the chunk of his guitar,
The one he ruthlessly smashed at the end of the show?
And how much will he pay for a brand new guitar,
One which he'll ruthlessly smash at the end of another show?
And how long will the workers keep building him new ones?
As long as their soda cans are red, white, and blue ones.
And how long will the workers keep building him new ones?
As long as their soda cans are red, white, and blue ones.

Aging black leather and hospital bills,
Tattoo removal and dozens of pills.
Your liver pays dearly now for youthful magic moments,
But rock on completely with some brand new components.

How do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
How do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
How do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?

Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them.
Your chaos won't convert them.
They're so happy to rebuild it.
You'll never really kill it.
Yeah, excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking,
You're drinking,
You're drinking what they're selling.
- 'Rock 'n' Roll Lifestyle', Cake

how many of us actually see ourselves in this song?
our superficiality?
our extravagance?
our artificiality?
our show of confidence?
our insecurity?
our lack of inner being?

how many of us refuse to see it?
how many of us push it away fervently, wildly proclaiming that that is what we are........... that the made-up glitz and glamour and showiness is e quintessence of our being? our thoughts and emotions? our inner drive and reason for existence?
that we all naturally and rightfully deserve this attention and it's our prerogative to bathe in it?
that we've got what it takes?
that we've done our fair share to earn it?
but can such outward shows of artificiality actually be earned??
y'd we still wann go about doing what we know will turn other ppl off.......... yet we bathe in it?
it's like double standards visited all over again...................

anyone who climbs up e ladder fast is labelled as ass-kisser or slut.................
once one person gives an ounce of respect to a certain person, e whole world suddenly adores him............ and he's e new superman of e media..............

are we such blind sheep?
are we blinded by our own vices?
that it is because of our own incompetences that we follow after other ppl and try to mask our flaws in their strengths?

i think i've gone off-track................. they all don't seem to make any sense to me now.................. or rather............ i've made a jumble of my thoughts.......... like picking pieces from different puzzles to fit together................ it doens't work that way..... never did............... never will...............

naiveity

Wednesday, February 12, 2003
 
-Random Word of the Day-
honourarium

in light of the upcoming lovey-dovey-love-is-in-e-air and so-saccharinely-sweet-you-make-me-wanna-puke and ooh-soexciting-it's-valentine's-day-this-fri......... well........ ehehhe....... was listenin to my mp3s............. and it hit me that i din want my guy to serenade me w what-nots and crap..... cheesy boyband songs and moldy oldies that're prob being sung by 725499 other ppl around e world at that exact instant............ i want him to do a rendition of cake's 'love you madly'....... ehehhe........ it ain't got no slow sappy tune........ infact........ not sure if that's what u wld term a 'tune'.......... hmmmm............. hands up whoever's heard of cake!!!~!!!~ ***spots only a remote finger up*** see.......... nobody knows cake............ which is their loss anyway.................. cake is a FANTASTIC band............. they're e BEST!!!!~!!!!~! after matchbox of course........ ehehe.......... need less to say.................. well............ just for e benefit of evryone else........... here's e lyrics to my serenade song.......... eheheh..........

I don't want to wonder
If this is a blunder
I don't want to worry whether
We're gonna stay together
'Till we die

I don't want to jump in
Unless this music's thumping
All the dishes rattle in the cupboards
When the elephants arrive

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I don't want to fake it
I just want to make it
The ornaments look pretty
But they're pulling down the branches
Of the Tree

I don't want to think about it
I don't want to talk about it
When I kiss your lips
I want to sink down to the bottom
Of the sea

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now, yeah
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I don't want to hold back
I don't want to slip down
I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I
Should have done

I don't want to doubt you
Know everything about you
I don't want to sit across the table from you
Wishing I could run

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly
- 'Love You Madly', Cake

here's to u hannah darlinK......... ehhehe............... we're all good in our own ways......... and sometimes we just need a lil fine tuning.... not cuz we've grown lousy....... but cuz we're not geared up and warmed up yet........... so all u/we need is just a lil more getting used to things...... getting back to e momentum.......... and we're there again.......... ***reassuring smile***

at e end of e day...................... confidence wins e game!!!!~!!!~!

Thursday, February 06, 2003
 
***gringrinflutterflutterbeambeamhappiness***
love this song............... e lil mermaid's e bestest cartoon ever.......... love ariel.................... *** big sigh***
i see a parallel...... now i know y i love her as much as i do..............

(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be
bad.)

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

I'm ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world
- 'Part of Your World', The Little Mermaid

 

 
   
  This page is powered by Blogger, the easy way to update your web site.  

Home  |  Archives