so near yet so far
and so i've had an insight into the world i've strived so desperately to enter........................ and i'm not saying all's hunky-dory................ neither are things horrible................. it's just that i know.............. that if i actually enter it.................. i'll change....................... i won't be the me that i am now..................... i can't guarantee i'll stick to whatever thoughts feelings values morals mindsets i have now................ i'll definitely be influenced............... i'll be changed............... i'll be swayed.............. i'll be moved................ and for the good or bad, i really can't say.............. i dunno................. but i suspect it'll be towards the latter................
and so i've had an insight into the world i so desperately wanna break into................... i've tasted the forbidden fruit............ and i fear i might not be able to have another bite of it again.................. is it better to have tasted sweet heaven once and never again after that and pine the days away, or to never have had a taste of it before and wonder the days away in mild amusement? honestly? i dunno..................... i've tasted it................. and i can definitely say for sure that i like it.................. it might be a lil too much for me to handle right now................. but i know............. that in time to come................ i will change......... and when e time comes.............. i will change to it's liking..................... i'm not saying the change will be good............. in fact...... i have an inkling it'll be for e adverse.................. but what's bad is good isn't it? and i like the badness................. it feels forbidden............... stolen............. exciting.................. good......................................................................
and so i've had a brief 2hr insight into the world i so desperately fear i will never step into again................ i liek it.................. it felt great to mingle with the people there........... it feels like i could get accustomed to that............. accustomed to the people........... the familiarity............... the openness.................. the wildness................. the untameness................... the complications.................... the superficiality..................... the fun......................... the acceptance..................... that you belong................ you're one of them....................................... but i'm so afraid........... so so so afraid that this will be the one and only chance i have at a shot at my dream world...................... the farthest i will ever go into this circle that i've made my world......................
and so i've had my brief encounter with the very people i admire............. i couldn't sleep after that................. for e first time i was high not on alcohol................ though there was coursing thru my veins.............. but i was high on the adrenaline frm meeting those very people.................... high frm the contact i had with them............. that it all wasn't real.................... that if i went to sleep e night would end................ that if i didn't sleep e moment wouold still be near me.................. only bare minutes ago when i was conversing............... touching.............. connecting................. with the figures i hold in awe........................ how could i bear to just sleep e night away? of course i'd bathe in the moment and memory........... prolong it as much as i could.................... relive each and every moment............... think through em.................... rework em.................. replay e scenarios in my mind's eye....................... and just get lost in it........................ people would say 'get a life'................ well.............. this is the life i wanna get into.................. so sue me........................ tear me..................... break me dream.......................... i'm petrified................... i don't want any dreams to end..................
shallow as this sounds.................. i wanna belong....................... keagan kang juwanda hassim gani jonathan lim kathy jerrold loo enlai felina christian joni tham darius hatta tony quek james dick................... i wanna be part of this circle of elites................ i wanna be one of the accepted outcasts...............