Quotes from BEAUTIFUL LOSERS

Between nothing and the thought of nothing.

Not by avoidance of pain or relief of stress.

Never gonna get any closer to the one you sleep beside.

Never gonna know for sure the words of love you said were any better than approximately true.

True you hoped to be free, for a better life - what was it? - a juster world. (But people got in the way.) I got in the way. True all the things that are true.

Make sure that in doing everything you do you do it with goodness in your heart. I can't say, I can't put into words, mouth the words of love my heart moves me to utter. They are strange to me, right at the heart of me, and yet other than me. All I can say is, the little things help. They do. The increment, the inclining towards. Always helps. And the really lovely thing is, you never know how much it helps. You can't rip out your own heart to see how it beats. Nowhere down the double helix will you find a gene for goodness.


...go find someone who will move you as we once moved each other when we were ignorant of ourselves. Because, to be suddenly so very weak, to be unable to take, and what is worse -to express, you do come to know yourself in a new kind of way.
[People often expect so much.]


[Your whole life nearly done and not a single act of selfless love.]
And worse. Remain unloved. Rot away and remain unthought of. So you pass amongst these people like a ghost. Dead before your time. They see you, but they don't feel you. And how long did it take you to realize that? How many turnings down of how many offers of love? How many times did the conversation pass away after you had tried your best line or smiled that dazzling smile of yours? It doesn't bear thinking about, does it?
[It can hardly be thought about.]


I'm overwhelmed.
that I dare talk of
mouth the word we
like I knew you, like I cared, or could at the very least speak on your behalf
a realization of overwhelming cruelty
that I cannot, I mean, speak on your behalves, or anyone's behalf.


I did not know I was dying until he told me I was well.


There's a devil in this room. I can feel him. It has taken on a human shape. It is with us. It is always with us. We are never without it.

You think there is no evil. You think that evil does not find its home in people. In particular persons. You're barmy. You think the only real choice before us is which aftershave to buy, to give and to receive. Well, the devil loves a discerning consumer. Messy, baroque, profligate, embarrassing.

I feel … electrified by it. Ever closer and the door always slammed in your face. Coping with that distress is politics. And that always turns nasty. Be liberal, let them have their say. I say, fuck them. Your fucking pluralism. Your fucking other side of the fucking argument. Your fucking holy point of view. I'm going to freeze now. And when I unfreeze the world will be a different place.


I have a vast love. But it's shattered. Spread like a slime along the trail I've left. So many false alarms, so many late calls. So many disputes in the name of truth. I wish it wasn't like this. [laughs] But the truth is, it is, it really honestly is.

You can't crash heaven. You’re not good enough. You just won't do. You can't blag your way into paradise with bits of trash and fairy lights. Now come on. Take my.
offers hand to audience
We're the walking dead. We're already out the other end. Yeah, go on.
offers hand again
They can't touch us. We may bleed, but we don't hurt. Accept it. Welcome it. Say, I have lost, I know I have lost. I submit. I'm fucked. I'm utterly utterly fucked. I've had enough. I refuse to go on. I am not here. I simply refuse to be here. Over and out. Fade out. Slip into the crack between the plaster and the brick. Between the sighs and her words. Between nothing and the thought of nothing. I have edited the record of this event to a glimpse. You can go now. Go home now. The show is over. Just pull down suddenly revealed heaven on top of me. I'm ready for it. I'm ready for it. I have spent my whole life getting to where I am. And now I'm ready for it. Yes. Take me up. I can hear you. I am not far away. I'm coming. Don't worry. These people are all strangers to me. Just my breath. Between the lines. The heartbeat. On. And then over. All over. And done with now. No more now. Just let it all go. All going. Get up the. I would like to say ... thank you ... for coming alongside. Am I late because I'm so far away?

Not gonna be saved by any god, not even one with grand design, hidden in every atom. Not by your fellow human beings, whoever they might be. Not by weight of history or pensionable years. Not by might is right or meek inheritance. Not by hero of the hour or politician with a plan. Not gonna be saved by rushing down the genome. Not by the one exhaustive act of will. Not by calculation of odds or the great goddess luck. Not by avoidance of pain or relief of stress. Not by clean environment or therapeutic habit. Never gonna be saved from this world without angels. Never gonna know another heaven. Never gonna get any closer to the one you sleep beside. Never gonna know for sure the words of love you said were any better than approximately true. True you said you loved me. True I believed you. I was taken in. (So gullible.) True you hoped to be free, for a better life - what was it? - a juster world. (But people got in the way.) I got in the way. True all the things that are true. The man in the dark doorway with his come-hither-fuck-off eyes. The MRT. The price of silence. And the total emission of methane. True the organization of labour and the right to dignity in healthcare. True the broken family and the kind word. When the cease-fire came. When the divorce wasn’t acrimonious. When you got the sticker to complete the set. True the great fall and the little trip. The mention in the paper. The shield for best rumba. True the great circulation and still of night. The sex that went too far and changed his outlook on things forever. The day you said it what you always meant and things got all irreversible. True the tenants take control of the estate. The cancer treatment worked. True he read your diary and never smiled again. True the works full of good. Those with good intention. Those with good effect. True the works done to decide what works the good the best. The arguments, the counsels, the endless deliberations. True the leap of faith and the one choice soundbite. True the works done in the name of good. The fight for good and that feels good. And true the awkward solitary way, the single determined knowledge that what you know is right is good and true and works for you and works for me and evermore shall be the time being in dreamy waking life between the lovely sun and lovely sea.

Make sure that in doing everything you do you do it with goodness in your heart. I have talked a lot tonight about the goodness in my heart. I have felt that goodness moving me to speak to you. I can't say, I can't put into words, mouth the words of love my heart moves me to utter. They are strange to me, right at the heart of me, and yet other than me. All I can say is, the little things help. They do. The increment, the inclining towards. Always helps. And the really lovely thing is, you never know how much it helps. You can't rip out your own heart to see how it beats. Nowhere down the double helix will you find a gene for goodness. Think upon that now, and be good.


Drown the cries with your ring-tone.


Will they find their way home?
Maybe. I dunno. I don't care. I do care. I think I care. I care.

-beautiful losers 18jan2003