The Big Bag of Random Stuff

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	The Big Bag of Random Stuff


	We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.


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	Wednesday, January 29, 2003 so near yet so far and so i've had an insight into the world i've strived so desperately to enter........................ and i'm not saying all's hunky-dory................ neither are things horrible................. it's just that i know.............. that if i actually enter it.................. i'll change....................... i won't be the me that i am now..................... i can't guarantee i'll stick to whatever thoughts feelings values morals mindsets i have now................ i'll definitely be influenced............... i'll be changed............... i'll be swayed.............. i'll be moved................ and for the good or bad, i really can't say.............. i dunno................. but i suspect it'll be towards the latter................ and so i've had an insight into the world i so desperately wanna break into................... i've tasted the forbidden fruit............ and i fear i might not be able to have another bite of it again.................. is it better to have tasted sweet heaven once and never again after that and pine the days away, or to never have had a taste of it before and wonder the days away in mild amusement? honestly? i dunno..................... i've tasted it................. and i can definitely say for sure that i like it.................. it might be a lil too much for me to handle right now................. but i know............. that in time to come................ i will change......... and when e time comes.............. i will change to it's liking..................... i'm not saying the change will be good............. in fact...... i have an inkling it'll be for e adverse.................. but what's bad is good isn't it? and i like the badness................. it feels forbidden............... stolen............. exciting.................. good...................................................................... and so i've had a brief 2hr insight into the world i so desperately fear i will never step into again................ i liek it.................. it felt great to mingle with the people there........... it feels like i could get accustomed to that............. accustomed to the people........... the familiarity............... the openness.................. the wildness................. the untameness................... the complications.................... the superficiality..................... the fun......................... the acceptance..................... that you belong................ you're one of them....................................... but i'm so afraid........... so so so afraid that this will be the one and only chance i have at a shot at my dream world...................... the farthest i will ever go into this circle that i've made my world...................... and so i've had my brief encounter with the very people i admire............. i couldn't sleep after that................. for e first time i was high not on alcohol................ though there was coursing thru my veins.............. but i was high on the adrenaline frm meeting those very people.................... high frm the contact i had with them............. that it all wasn't real.................... that if i went to sleep e night would end................ that if i didn't sleep e moment wouold still be near me.................. only bare minutes ago when i was conversing............... touching.............. connecting................. with the figures i hold in awe........................ how could i bear to just sleep e night away? of course i'd bathe in the moment and memory........... prolong it as much as i could.................... relive each and every moment............... think through em.................... rework em.................. replay e scenarios in my mind's eye....................... and just get lost in it........................ people would say 'get a life'................ well.............. this is the life i wanna get into.................. so sue me........................ tear me..................... break me dream.......................... i'm petrified................... i don't want any dreams to end.................. shallow as this sounds.................. i wanna belong....................... keagan kang juwanda hassim gani jonathan lim kathy jerrold loo enlai felina christian joni tham darius hatta tony quek james dick................... i wanna be part of this circle of elites................ i wanna be one of the accepted outcasts............... - dyseluxon, 1/29/2003 02:31:00 AM Monday, January 20, 2003 Quotes from BEAUTIFUL LOSERS Between nothing and the thought of nothing. Not by avoidance of pain or relief of stress. Never gonna get any closer to the one you sleep beside. Never gonna know for sure the words of love you said were any better than approximately true. True you hoped to be free, for a better life - what was it? - a juster world. (But people got in the way.) I got in the way. True all the things that are true. Make sure that in doing everything you do you do it with goodness in your heart. I can't say, I can't put into words, mouth the words of love my heart moves me to utter. They are strange to me, right at the heart of me, and yet other than me. All I can say is, the little things help. They do. The increment, the inclining towards. Always helps. And the really lovely thing is, you never know how much it helps. You can't rip out your own heart to see how it beats. Nowhere down the double helix will you find a gene for goodness. ...go find someone who will move you as we once moved each other when we were ignorant of ourselves. Because, to be suddenly so very weak, to be unable to take, and what is worse -to express, you do come to know yourself in a new kind of way. [People often expect so much.] [Your whole life nearly done and not a single act of selfless love.] And worse. Remain unloved. Rot away and remain unthought of. So you pass amongst these people like a ghost. Dead before your time. They see you, but they don't feel you. And how long did it take you to realize that? How many turnings down of how many offers of love? How many times did the conversation pass away after you had tried your best line or smiled that dazzling smile of yours? It doesn't bear thinking about, does it? [It can hardly be thought about.] I'm overwhelmed. that I dare talk of mouth the word we like I knew you, like I cared, or could at the very least speak on your behalf a realization of overwhelming cruelty that I cannot, I mean, speak on your behalves, or anyone's behalf. I did not know I was dying until he told me I was well. There's a devil in this room. I can feel him. It has taken on a human shape. It is with us. It is always with us. We are never without it. You think there is no evil. You think that evil does not find its home in people. In particular persons. You're barmy. You think the only real choice before us is which aftershave to buy, to give and to receive. Well, the devil loves a discerning consumer. Messy, baroque, profligate, embarrassing. I feel … electrified by it. Ever closer and the door always slammed in your face. Coping with that distress is politics. And that always turns nasty. Be liberal, let them have their say. I say, fuck them. Your fucking pluralism. Your fucking other side of the fucking argument. Your fucking holy point of view. I'm going to freeze now. And when I unfreeze the world will be a different place. I have a vast love. But it's shattered. Spread like a slime along the trail I've left. So many false alarms, so many late calls. So many disputes in the name of truth. I wish it wasn't like this. [laughs] But the truth is, it is, it really honestly is. You can't crash heaven. You’re not good enough. You just won't do. You can't blag your way into paradise with bits of trash and fairy lights. Now come on. Take my. offers hand to audience We're the walking dead. We're already out the other end. Yeah, go on. offers hand again They can't touch us. We may bleed, but we don't hurt. Accept it. Welcome it. Say, I have lost, I know I have lost. I submit. I'm fucked. I'm utterly utterly fucked. I've had enough. I refuse to go on. I am not here. I simply refuse to be here. Over and out. Fade out. Slip into the crack between the plaster and the brick. Between the sighs and her words. Between nothing and the thought of nothing. I have edited the record of this event to a glimpse. You can go now. Go home now. The show is over. Just pull down suddenly revealed heaven on top of me. I'm ready for it. I'm ready for it. I have spent my whole life getting to where I am. And now I'm ready for it. Yes. Take me up. I can hear you. I am not far away. I'm coming. Don't worry. These people are all strangers to me. Just my breath. Between the lines. The heartbeat. On. And then over. All over. And done with now. No more now. Just let it all go. All going. Get up the. I would like to say ... thank you ... for coming alongside. Am I late because I'm so far away? Not gonna be saved by any god, not even one with grand design, hidden in every atom. Not by your fellow human beings, whoever they might be. Not by weight of history or pensionable years. Not by might is right or meek inheritance. Not by hero of the hour or politician with a plan. Not gonna be saved by rushing down the genome. Not by the one exhaustive act of will. Not by calculation of odds or the great goddess luck. Not by avoidance of pain or relief of stress. Not by clean environment or therapeutic habit. Never gonna be saved from this world without angels. Never gonna know another heaven. Never gonna get any closer to the one you sleep beside. Never gonna know for sure the words of love you said were any better than approximately true. True you said you loved me. True I believed you. I was taken in. (So gullible.) True you hoped to be free, for a better life - what was it? - a juster world. (But people got in the way.) I got in the way. True all the things that are true. The man in the dark doorway with his come-hither-fuck-off eyes. The MRT. The price of silence. And the total emission of methane. True the organization of labour and the right to dignity in healthcare. True the broken family and the kind word. When the cease-fire came. When the divorce wasn’t acrimonious. When you got the sticker to complete the set. True the great fall and the little trip. The mention in the paper. The shield for best rumba. True the great circulation and still of night. The sex that went too far and changed his outlook on things forever. The day you said it what you always meant and things got all irreversible. True the tenants take control of the estate. The cancer treatment worked. True he read your diary and never smiled again. True the works full of good. Those with good intention. Those with good effect. True the works done to decide what works the good the best. The arguments, the counsels, the endless deliberations. True the leap of faith and the one choice soundbite. True the works done in the name of good. The fight for good and that feels good. And true the awkward solitary way, the single determined knowledge that what you know is right is good and true and works for you and works for me and evermore shall be the time being in dreamy waking life between the lovely sun and lovely sea. Make sure that in doing everything you do you do it with goodness in your heart. I have talked a lot tonight about the goodness in my heart. I have felt that goodness moving me to speak to you. I can't say, I can't put into words, mouth the words of love my heart moves me to utter. They are strange to me, right at the heart of me, and yet other than me. All I can say is, the little things help. They do. The increment, the inclining towards. Always helps. And the really lovely thing is, you never know how much it helps. You can't rip out your own heart to see how it beats. Nowhere down the double helix will you find a gene for goodness. Think upon that now, and be good. Drown the cries with your ring-tone. Will they find their way home? Maybe. I dunno. I don't care. I do care. I think I care. I care. -beautiful losers 18jan2003 - dyseluxon, 1/20/2003 06:13:00 PM Saturday, January 18, 2003 here's to you jingzhong!!~! danny once said all women are vindictive....... well............... here's my vindictive side u swine!!~! HuMpHf!!~!~ I GOT A JOB!!~!~! and i happen to love it!!~!~ HuMphF!~ how's THAT to joblessness!~ am acting in an assembly play for kids by dramaplus arts, and evrything seems smooth going............. e cast seem like nice ppl, and one of em actually knows danny and trevor too!!~! small world!!~! and guess what?? tihnk she's kinda dating trevor too........ eheheh..... kudos to her....... i like her.... she's nice........ so it's cool........... eheheeh no hard feelings............... *gringrin* and and and and and and and and and some guy from e funstage called me this morn......... askin if i'd like to act in their upcomin production cuz they need a younger actress...... mmmm.......... also asked if i p[refer acting in eng or chi.... *gulpgulp* ehehehe might also end up doin lights/sound op for em too!~! yeah!~!! not that i mind!!~! quite funky eh? tough i'd very much prefer to act.... well.............. said he's gonna call me later........ we'll see how it goes!!~~! anyway................... went for beautiful losers by spell#7 yesterday..................... dun understand....... eheheh.......... well................. gonna stop here.............. know i ain't been exactly bloggin very much since e new yr.............. but pardon me.... thank u guys who still faithfully shoutout.............. lets me know i'm still loved by my friends really............ *reassured smile* Quote of the Day i didn't know i was dying until they told me i was well Quote of the Day love is a great part of our lives and ourselves, yet it's such a different entity from us - dyseluxon, 1/18/2003 10:10:00 PM Monday, January 13, 2003 will i become a struggling actress trying to make ends meet? screing up evry audition i go to and not landing any roles? or worse still, being told to 'come back and audition after you've learnt how to act'.............. what would i do then? i have no confidence, no faith, no determination, no connections, no money, no job, no talent, no opportunites, no strings to pull, no ability, no perseverence, no security... nothing............. nothing that sets me apart from e layman you pick out on a busy friday afternoon along orcrhard road................ i am so scared............. i feel so vulnerable - dyseluxon, 1/13/2003 12:32:00 AM Sunday, January 12, 2003 what if you're not as good and capable as you make youself out to be? what then? what happens after that? what do you do? what can you do? either you get all caught up in self-denial and pretend evrything's a farce and it's a scam e world made up to drag you down, or you face the realisation head-on, and end up stuck up to your nose in quicksand, letting it suck you deeper and deeper into your own self-pity and grief and anguish.................... but what do you do? what do i do? you don't wanna believe it but the reality shoves it into your face and you gotta eat it.......................... tough as it sounds, that's life................................. it never goes as we expect it to does it? does it ever.......................... some people get what they want, but they deserve it, and we feel happy cuz there's justive in this world..................... some people get what they shouldn't get cuz basically they suck, and we feel indignant cuz we can't see why life goes easy for them................. and some people just can't seem to get what they want and they just d o n ' t k n o w w h y....................... and we pity them................... i pity them.................... i pity me........................ such self-pity is disgusting............... i disgust me................. great................... another slab to throw against me to keep me from being afloat in this flurry of activity termed 'life'.................. which sucks at you and pulls you down deeper and deeper and before you know it, you're wallowing in self-despair and refuse to snap out of it cuz there's comfort in e despair.............. it's like a ferris wheel............... even though e view at e top is fantastic and far greater than e bottom, you feel safe at e bottom cuz you know u can't go any lower cuz if anything happens, chances of you dyin is slimmer then e rest................... I can't sleep tonight Everybody saying everything's alright Still I can't close my eyes I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights Sunny days Where have you gone? I get the strangest feeling you belong Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? Why does it always rain on me? Even when the sun is shining I can't avoid the lightning I can't stand myself I'm being held up by an invisible man Still life on a shelf when I got my mind on something else Sunny days Where have you gone? I get the strangest feeling you belong Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? Why does it always rain on me? Even when the sun is shining I can't avoid the lightning Oh, where did the blue skies go? And why is it raining so? It's so cold I can't sleep tonight Everybody's saying everything's all right Still I can't close my eyes I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of the lights Sunny days Where have you gone? I get the strangest feeling you belong Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? Even when the sun is shining I can't avoid the lightning Oh, where did the blue skies go? And why is it raining so? It's so cold Why does it always rain on me? Why does it always rain on.... - 'why does it always rain on me?' , travis how apt.......... it's a rainy day............ am i lying to myself? do i make up excuses just so i can make myself feel better? i think so................ - dyseluxon, 1/12/2003 11:59:00 PM Thursday, January 02, 2003 fallen leaves 2 Jan 2003 in 7hrs time, official school resumes and i'm left where i am: a separate entity from it......... somehow, i feel caught in the middle, in a limbo, between the innocence of schoollife and the complexity of work........ i'm neither here nor there...... i can't fully detach myself from the notion of going to school, neither can i totally place myself in working........... this inertia of not wanting to leave the past, the safety net of 12 years, along with the uncertainty of which path to take into the future................... i feel cut off from my world...... right now i'm sitting in my room scribbling on a notepad i haven't touched in years, with the radio turned on next to me for the first time in months........ i hardly listen to the radio nowadays, as opposed to 4 years ago, when it was my companion 24/7............ i remember telling my aunt once, in pri5, 'I'd die without the radio'..........ha............ look how far i've come......... now i reminicse those days, when i didn't have to worry what i'm going to do for the next 6 months............. i miss going to school i miss sleeping early cuz i gotta wake early i miss packing my bag the night before and right now........ the radio's paying an old, all-time favourite of mine............ brings back fond memories of much-forgotten times, and a few tears........... This romeo is bleeding But you can't see his blood It's nothing but some feelings That this old dog kicked up It's been raining since you left me Now I'm drowning in the flood You see I've always been a fighter But without you I give up Now I can't sing a love song Like the way it's meant to be Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore But baby, that's just me And I will love you, baby - Always And I'll be there forever and a day - Always I'll be there till the stars don't shine Till the heavens burst and The words don't rhyme And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind And I'll love you - Always Now your pictures that you left behind Are just memories of a different life Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry One that made you have to say goodbye What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair To touch your lips, to hold you near When you say your prayers try to understand I've made mistakes, I'm just a man When he holds you close, when he pulls you near When he says the words you've been needing to hear I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine To say to you till the end of time Yeah, I will love you baby - Always And I'll be there forever and a day - Always If you told me to cry for you I could If you told me to die for you I would Take a look at my face There's no price I won't pay To say these words to you Well, there ain't no luck In these loaded dice But baby if you give me just one more try We can pack up our old dreams And our old lives We'll find a place where the sun still shines And I will love you, baby - Always And I'll be there forever and a day - Always I'll be there till the stars don't shine Till the heavens burst and The words don't rhyme And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind And I'll love you - Always - 'Always', Bon Jovi i know now what i'm feeling: fear..... insecurity....... uncertainty......... my own vulnerability............... nothing for certain now............... the 6 things that i said i'd do after the 'A's, i'm only actively pursueing one now: drumming, skateboarding, hockey, church, driving, theatre........... all have been benchmarks on my life........... i realise too i haven't been blogging the past few days................ nothing to blog, i tell myself............ i dunno what to say, how to think................ now i see it's a defense mechanism....... the refusal to accept; to integrate; to ponder the now life i'm entering................. it's like how if you don't open your eyes you can't see the evil standing before you and so it doesn't really exist......... at least not right there and then.............. i'm thinking of lofty now and my vision blurs............... things will never be the same again and i cannot do a thing about it.............. the first tear rolls slowly and reluctantly down the left cheek........... a symbolic recognition and shedding of past withheld life and memories......................... my room is still in a state of post-'A'level mess................. tsd, lit, math and even econs notes litter the table in a vaguely familiar organized mess.................. beside which sits the golden package from prom which the 'bikini' came in................ my pencil case sits regally stop the mess........... i probably wouldn't touch him in a long time to come................... still remember how i used to insist on putting the pens in only in one uniform direction................. well.................. who's gonna take them out now? everything lies in a state of half-decay, half-creation................ Regeneration is a process of decay............ how i couldn't agree more at this point of time.............. it's time to leave the beautiful past behind and venture into the future............... the radio's now playing enigma's 'return to innocence'............... when will that ever come about? my most vivid memory? lofty, sitting with fong, liz, hakim and me on the day of our tsd pracs......... 2hrs before the exam............... at the stone table........... with the musky dawn behind him and us shedding silent furious tears............................ tears of pure anguish, desperation and helplessness................... the union in the utter crumbling of our pillar of strength............. the moment was totally filled with pathos................ 4 souls sharing a common goal and common failure staring in their faces........... 5 months have passed................. yet it seems an eternity away................ the feeling; the passion; the ideas; the motivation............ have all but faded................. and another tear falls..................... the father yells from upstairs for me to go to bed............. some things don't change do they? but it's all different.................. the feeling...... the mood.......... the situation.............. the person............................ they've all changed, evolved, in their own way....................... some in sync with each other, some not............... i am still the same person i was 2 years ago, only different................ i have changed, i have grown.................. i am different.............. i don't ever wanna stop writing, cuz i know the moment i conclude this it's a symbolic closing of a chapter of my life, possibly the chapter of my life, the one where i learn about life, people, and their relationships, the hidden unspoken laws of the real world.................... i hate to leave it behind, yet i have to........... i can't bear to take the forward step, yet i wanna know where my feet will lead me................... i'm scared to explore, yet i wanna venture............. i need a guiding hand, yet i wanna be independent................. i don't wanna mourn, yet the mind is weak.............. I don't want to to wait for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be. I don't want to wait for our lives to be over, Will it be yes or will it be sorry? 0017hrs 2 january 2003 - dyseluxon, 1/02/2003 11:06:00 PM


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