somehow, everything seems so surreal.... went to e tavern yesterday night,. like the last time i did, and it felt so same, yet so different......... things have changed........ the music was good regardless, possibly even better than the last time, the cheeky bartender was still around......... but that was just bout it........ no doubt it was more crowded than it used to be, but the feeling i derived from within myself was different.......... it was as if something had been lost within me.... a certain loss of innocence......... that i'm now part of those old mature people... no longer the young preppy student bursting with energy i used to be.......... now i blend in with the rest of the crowd, tired old, jaded............ when i used to feel as if i stuck out, vibrant, young, fresh and ready...... now i'm beaten and weary............ it's funny what freedom does to u......... or mayb it's the fight toward freedom that's drained me............. i dunno......... all i know is, i'm tired.......... more so than i used to be............. even durin our junior days, our tiredness was always driven by a secret adrenaline outlet which we could tap from any moment we wanted to............. now i'm just tired, beaten down, old........ but i does feel good to be back on the streets and prowling............ living it up.......... well......... not exactly......... considerin that my parents regard me as ***quote*** "You're still a little girl" ***unquote*** bummer............ just when i thought i had almost everything going my way............ some things never change do they?

i realise i've somewhat ceased to think.................. i get tired, caught up with events, excited over stuff.............. and i conveniently forget to work that mass of grey matter of mine.......... it's easy to get caught up with normal day-to-day stuff........ outings, jobs, friends, having fun,....... and forgetting the aims you set before it all began...... whatever happened to wanting to get experience in theatre? after sending out two emails to wildrice and theatreworks and not receiving any reply from either, i've conveniently slackened and let my goal slip out of sight............ and when the time comes and i haven't gotten anything done, it's so easy to just push the blame to then and say it's cuz they didn't reply me isn't it? for a single tree to grow from seeds, the fruit has to produce like tens of seeds.... of those tens, only a few do grow into trees............. successful people succeed only because they try more, and fail more than other people........... and do i have what it takes to succeed??? i fear to find out.. but isn't that like half a step to total failure? throwing your fruit away and not even trying for fear that your seeds will not flower?