upset

wild rice and theatreworks haven not replied my enquiries about whether i could volunteer my services for them next year......... ***poutpout*** so now how brown cow?? i dunno man......... either i sit and mope and wait till christmas for their reply, (which will probably never come by the way), or i go intern with tns....... which, i happen to do not really like.... though i have got friends there....... but i don't really like their working style........ but well, beggars can't be chosers daphne.......... you ain't got no cake, don't even think bout eating it...........

isn't it ironic that before, i was rather enthusiastic about practising my math, but i scheduled myself to read my lit notes first....... (yes........ i DO actually have a vague form of timetabling, i just don't really follow it all the time, that's all..... if i can remember what i is...... ehehhe)........ and now that i'm finally done with my lit notes, after a month's reading........... i can't bear to out down the heavy note and get my engine cracking for math........ i'm actually thinking 'damn..... i don't wannt practice math...... it used to be fun.... but now i just wanna read my lit notes'.............. help me........................ dilemma.................

i'm scared............... scared and insecure.............. what happens if i screw my papers up so badly i can't go anywhere? this not paranoia speaking....... i don't feel any sense of urgency.. not at all............... i can still zonk out from 730pm till 10pm watching sitcoms on starworld........ wake up at noon everyday......... is it an innate complacency? a sense of inertia? pure dread? or am i just burnt out? tired and unable to continue slogging after these turbulent one and a half years?? or am i laying low and playing dumb, so that when the time comes and my results suck i can console myself by saying it's okie, cuz i din put in all my effort afterall.......... knowing you failed without putting in effort's better than failing after slogging your ass off right? cuz the latter's an affirmation that you just don't make the cut no matter how much you put in cuz you just don't have what it takes........ if you fail without putting in much you can console yourself by saying that your potential's just untapped, lying dormant.......... right? right?

i've already in mind what to do after the 'A's are over, there's so many things i wanna do, so many events i wanna check out, so many things i wanna learn, countless things i wanna be a part of............. but in the meantime, it's all a blank......... i'm drawing a cipher........... it terrifies me, but i can't do a thing about it....... ***bites lower lip***

theatre productions; drums; drinks; great live music; hockey; hanging out; hanging out late; reading; resting........
well................ guess they'll all just hafta wait don't they? they can but i can't........ urgh.......... ***struggles to fight the inner demon***
i think my sin's greed, lust, and sloth.............

this is bad, i'm actually in a partying mood........ if anyone asked me to a night out i'd shoot yes without even a single thought, not to mention a second thought........... the worst part? i don't feel a tad bit guilty........... so when i'm standing in line next march collecting my results, would i tell myself 'you deserved it you swine'? or would i be sobbing my eyes out, asking 'why me?' it's actually mind over matter isn't it? well....... kudos to me, i ain't exactly got the best will power, determination, much less mention perseverence............. so it's a boot in the ass and off you go lass....... out the back door and don't come back.........

then there's also the prom stuff to settle, what accessories to go with my gown, the alteration of my gown, where and what to style my hair, make-up on the day itself, a nice classy multi-purpose bag to go, figuring out what performance item to put up, the worry of not being able to fit into my gown................. urgh.......... as if the 'A's alone wasn't enough to weigh me down........... ***no pun***

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, In sunsets
In midnights, In cups of coffee
In inches, In miles
In laughter, In strife

In - Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love

Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

It's time now to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love

Measure, measure your life in love

Seasons of love
Seasons of love
- 'Seasons of Love' , Rent