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Wednesday, November 27, 2002
okie......... so here i am, with 39 more hours til all heaven breaks loose for me............... i've been counting down since 59hrs........... and then seconds seems like minutes and the minutes like hours and the hours like days and the days like weeks and.... yah..... we know what u're trying to put across daphne...... get done with it...............
well........... the pc paper today was pretty okie don't u think? saw a really beautiful poem on Death and i just stopped, and stared at it.......... initially i didn't catch no shit on it, except that it used a lot of caps for the words, then i thought hell girl........ u like it, but you don't catch no shit.......... but u like it..... since u like it that much, y don't u just whack it? but of course, the typical kiasu sporean side in me was like cmon... get real, this your a's..... u don't wanna screw it up over some passing surge of emotion u feel towards a poem........ don't try to be arty, ain't gonna benefit no one....................but the crazy side retorted be idealistic, be crazy, be lofty, whatever.......... this is YOUR a's......... u wanna enjoy it, and if u like something that much, i'm sure u can figure enough about it to write about! so i did.
i did the peom, whacked out 4 1/2 sides of it at one shot........... sat back.......... drained................. time for the next answer.............. then i realised that was precisely what i was, drained.............. so i slogged through the prose, even though i thought i was able to identify the main ideas, but it's not so much of the content, but how u put it across.............. oh well............ least i enjoyed the poem.......... ***self-assurance works sometimes........... let's pray this is one of those times.......***
my last paper's on fri........ yay yay......... ***lack of enthusiasm*** the supposed mood i'm supposed to feel now is one of boredom, of feeling sian and depressed, cuz apparently 99.76% of the world's finished their horrendous exams yet i'm still stuck in it.......... but thing is, i feel fine and dandy............. in fact, i'm in a holiday mood already.... which is not good................. in fact, ever since the study break kicked off and i entered the a's i've been feeling somewhat floaty and with my heads in the clouds, certain times fully concealed, others just partly................ now i'm just somewhat totally immersed in it, save for my feet...........
so here i am, with one more paper to go and feeling absolutely relaxed and calm..................... i shouldn't be.... but i am............. by right it should spell trouble...... but i couldn't care less.............. dippity boopy yap..............
the tsd greeks and unseen paper yesterday just simply H O R R I D............... i felt a lil sense of exasperation during and immediately after the paper, but that was it................. back to the clouds................... is this supposed to be a good sign? that i'm still calm and in control despite the approaching storm? i dunno........... seems as if i'm being over complacent, looking the whirlwind in the eye and thinking it won't affect me, it'll just take a 90degree turn to the right and raze my neighbour's plot of plants and leave mine unscathed................ of course, that doesn't happen in real life............ not even in reel life............ so basically i'm gonna get whipped up by the tornado and land up in oz, with my shiny red shoes and munchkins, realising that the yellow brick road's just a scam and i'm stuck in midgetland........... oh wow....... my life's complete..........
before i get too carried away or demented or drive myself onto the highway without my driver's permit, may i just end off with the beautiful poem by the earl of rochester...... i think it's simply fantastic..........
point to note, i'm not feeling depressed or suicidal, despite earlier remarks........... just feeling kinda cranky and messed up......... not that it's bad.......... but just cranky and messed up..... if u know what i mean........... ***gringrin*** sheesh~! I don't even know what i mean!~!!~!!!!~!~!!
After Death, nothing is nothing Death,
The utmost Limit of a gasp of Breath;
Let the Ambitious Zealot lay aside
His hopes of heav'n, (whose faith is but his Pride)
Let Slavish Souls lay by their fear;
Nor be concern'd which way, nor where,
After this Life they shall be hurl'd;
Dead, we become the Lumber of the World,
And to that Mass of matter shall be swept,
Where things destroy'd, with things unborn are unkept.
Devouring Time swallows us whole;
Impartial Death confounds Body, and Soul.
For Hell, and the Foul Fiend that Rules
God's everlasting fiery Jails
(Devis'd by Rogues, dreaded by Fools)
With his grim grisly Dog, that keeps the Door,
Are senseless Stories, idle Tales,
Dreams, Whimsies, and no more.
***yes, i took the last 7 mins of the exam to copy down the poem........ just proves my crankiness right?***
oh......... while bathing just now, i came to terms with myself......... ***yes, i do most of my thinking in the bath....... and it's not what it seems to be......... gosh....*** we all strive for things we don't have....... the same goes for me......... and i've known this for ages........ it's just that i've refused to admit it......... that fact that i want something, yet i don't make an effort to realise the dream, is because i'm afraid; insecure; unconfident; unsure, etc, u name it............... i'm afraid that when i do get what i want, well...... it's actually not as good and perfect as i make it out to be........... i can't take the disillusionment........ i simply cannot bear the pain of being dealt such a blow that i just refuse to even try for it.............. as they say, ignorance is bliss......... isn't that true? i'm afraid to try for something because i'm afraid of the failure, of myself and of my dream............. they say that true failure is when u fail to try................ then i guess that i epitomize failure don't i? in other words, u're a coward daphne......... it takes alot to say that out loud to myself and admit it, come to terms with it and accept it.............. but u can't run away from it....... but the question remains, that now that've you've admitted it and accepted it as part of yourself, what're u gonna do bout it? nothing? continue to sit and watch the world pass by? or make an effort and be brave? the truth? i'd still choose the latter........ i'm a coward, i'm sorry...........
looks like i've let me down, again.........
Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all the kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.
Are we listening to hyms of offering?
Have we eyes to see that love is gathering?
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding into one.
So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
As the years roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know.
- 'The World I Know', 'Collective Soul'
Monday, November 25, 2002
well.............. it's gonna be a quickie today............ gosh............. that sounded kinda lewd.......... ehehhe.......... tomoro's gonna be the greeks at work, along with unseen.......... e morn's prob gonna be a last min cramming session, afternoon e paper itself, and e evening a celebration of me mum's 49th birthday.......... busy day ahead? guess so............
i'm sitting in my bro's room, before e comp, in my adidas top n $2 shorts from this fashion.......... going to bathe soon and back to the greeks............ 88more hours to eternal freedom from the sporean education system..............
to buy list
1. books
2. rent soundtrack
3. stevie ray vaughn cds
4. clothes, especially bottoms........
5. .......... and tops
6. more books
7. matchboxtwenty's new cd 'more than you think you are'
8. more clothes
9. sandals
i believe i should leave it here for now................ one shouldn't be too greedy......... ***guilty look***
gonna bathe!~
And all the drugs in the world
Can't save us from ourselves
Victims with the saddest hearts
Passing by the grace of God
There by the grace of God
With grace we will suffer
With grace we shall recover
There by the grace of God
There by the grace of God
Lay down all your guns
Give them up and then move on
It doesn't mean that you are dead
Passing by the grace of God
There by the grace of God
With grace we will suffer
With grace we shall recover
There by the grace of God
There by the grace of God
And all the drugs in the world...
With grace we will suffer
With grace we shall recover
There by the grace of God
There by the grace of God
And all the drugs in the world
Can't save us from ourselves
Victims with the saddest hearts
Passing by the grace of God
There by the grace of God
- 'There by the grace of God' , Manic Street Preachers
Saturday, November 23, 2002
quote of the day , courtesy of cherrie
Speech is a freudian upsurge of a disturbed mind
cherrie wants to have her wedding in a club, where she'll just burst in and yell out "Don't worry bout me! Carry on with your dancing, I'm just taking some photos!" complete with strip dancers(for herself) and loincloths...... she really knows how to live it up don't she?
well.......... that sparked off a cog in me......... i told her i wanna hold mine in a pub.......... complete with wedding gown and everything, except that it's just a lil smokier and darker and danker and more booze-smelling than any restaurant............ but it's got great live music!! and drinks to rock you! you betcha...... what with the rainbows and margheuritas and tequilas and shots........... i'd want my husband to serenade me.......... isn't that sweet? him with his guitar and pick on stage, crooning to a pubful of people in his nicely cut suit........ ooh........ just gets to me............. i'll get trevor to sing too............. with that deep soulful resounding voice of his............ and i'll throw in a lil of rob thomas too............... ouch man............ it's gonna be sizzling......................
but of course.................... it's only a dream.................
the main crux? i gotta find someone who wants me in the first place........... tsktsk......... tis difficult............
i am not all that i seem
had a really disturbing dream today.... least i thought it was disturbing............. it wasn't morbid or sick or deranged or whatever.......... just that i've never been able to recall me dreams........... the last time i recall dreaming was like when? months ago......... i never remem my dreams............. and when i do, and so vividly, it presents so many aspects of my character all sized up in one dream...........
somewhat a reflection of myself and wish-fulfilment dream...............
we were at the beach, and ublues was playing on stage, and the whole school was there........ but i don't recall the people............. i was just hanging around with a bunch of my friends, and then one of them starts chasing me, seemingly playing catching........ i run off and along comes trevor, and i run behind him, using him as some form of a shield, grabbing hold of him from behind, real tight.......... and my catcher does not dare to come near me............ then he goes off..........
i can't remem what happens next, of if the scene just switched, but trevor and i are sitting down, him with his back against a rock outcrop on the sand and me facing him..... he asks me "Do you think you're attractive?" and i'm caught completely off-guard..... there's stunned silence for a few moments while my brain cogs set in motion before i retort him "Do you think i'm attractive?" his stunned silence goes to show he hasn't been expecting this socrates play, and he doesn't know what to say.......... i dunno if there's a gapping part of the story here, but he suddenly says matter-of-factly, "I can't mess around (or play around) with you now, i've got ct session later"........... after he's gone(or disappears), i see hannah appear from nowhere........... and exchange a few words.......... again either it's a memory lapse, or scene switch, but i'm in a room, i presume a classroom, and it's empty........... i slide the door open and justin yip's on the other side........... i think he's with a girl who's lying on the floor......... she seems passed out or something... i dunno....... and he's just sitting down next to her........... or maybe the girl's not even there at all? i ask him where everyone is and he says outside.......... so i step out, and i realise i was in a somewhat container-block-like classroom, surrounded by weeds outside.......... i see a lone pair of slippers and i try to reach them with my feet but some stupid lizard gets in my way and delays me............. i finally get to it and wear it, and i go look around for people.................. but it's empty and deserted, with the stage empty and i feel kinda lost and forlorn......... i run into my mum.......... and i ask her something....?? she said ublues finished performing........ apparently it was during the time i was in the containerblock-like room with justin.............. she said they were good, and something about my friends being somewhere down the beach....??? i dunno.............. cuz right here, i was woken up by an sms......... darn it..........
looking into my own dream, and trying to analyse it while i was sitting on the toilet bowl, i realised it spoke a lot about me and who i am, about how i feel towards certain things and people, and how the things that occur around me affect me, things that i take for granted and don't realise............... things that i know about myself but don't think the people around me do............ it was a cross between a wish-fulfilment dream and a self-awareness dream............ it was a normal dream, nothing out of the blue, but it kinda creeped me out, giving me insights into certain things i'd rather not acknowledge................ ***shuddershudder***
well......... here's my quote of the day:
Dreams are a Freudian projection of one's innermost thoughts
what's the difference betweeen God's will and Fate? the only difference that really stares at me in the face is that one's an attempt to rationalize the things that happen to us that we feel we don't deserve by non-believers in Christ, and the other's an attempt to explain the things that happen to us that we feel we don't deserve by believers in Christ....... period...........
a friend once asked me before if i believed in Fate, and i said i believe in God's will............ then he asked me what e diff was........ i set out to explain it to him........... his reply? "Isn't it the same thing? Just that we refer to it differently?" well, i adamently said "NO"......... but i didn't know how to state my case.......... i was at a loss..........
it seems that all of religion stems from our mind, our thoughts and beliefs, and our perspective of our macrocosm................ there is no real concrete evidence that dionysius or Zeus or Apollo or God exists............ we just believe they do.............. this almost blasphemy to say what i'm saying, but it's true, least thats what i feel............. it's all in our state of mind............. if we believe; we believe............ of we don't; then there's no point arguing is there? how do you make an atheist believe in the existence of God? unless God himself stands before the bugger? even so, he'd probably say we're calling his bluff isn't it? how then, do we justify this tremendous force that depicts the way we lead our lives and shapes our thoughts? it's all but in the head........... it's all a matter of faith and belief........... but isn't it shatteringly frightening to know that something so forceful is so impossible to pin down? that it's only an abstract idea that exists? where's the proof? in our 21st century advanced world, no one's given the benefit of the doubt..... the new religion is science, for it's concrete, and produces results that are recognisable to the human eye......... are we that lacking in faith? are we that degenerate?
Thursday, November 21, 2002
somebody shoot me
***upset***
just realised today, 6 days before my tsd paper....... that greeks was on tues and world theatre was on fri...................
i had thought all along that it was the other way round............ now my whole study schedule is messed up, and i'm incredibly grumpy cuz i prefer greeks and i think it's easier to study for greeks and wanted to get e tougher paper over and done with first before i cld get down to my greeks..........
now great................... i've got a screwed up study schedule, and i've gotta do my greeks with a heavy heart while i worry bout my world theatre................
***grumpy***
most people finish their exams tomorrow, friday, or mid week next week................ me? next friday.............. ***%^#@)*&%!%!*** (not inclined to use words to express my irritation and lack of life***
***impatient***
i just want the exams to end... it's so near yet so far............. i dunno how i'm gonna tide through the next week and a half............... somebody shoot me................ that shouldn't be a problem........... figured i got quite a few people who've got me on their hate list........... the school librarian's prob one of them..............
i miss pubbing hannah..........
i miss my vodka lime..........
i got you on my mind
i'm feeling kinda sad and low
i got you on my mind
i'm feeling kinda sad and low
no matter how i try
my heart just don't see why i can't forget you
quote of the day
"there're only two people in this world who can make me close my eyes and just sway along, intoxicated, and feel like melting into the air and blending into one with their voices........... rob thomas......... and trevor jalla..............."
somebody slap me and wake me up please? i can't go on like that......... it's freaking driving me nuts........... i know i'm crazy and obsessed.......... but this is way off........ someone please grab me by the ears and deliver a nice resounding slap to my face? please?
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
***jumpjumphophopsquealsquealshriekshriekgapgapyabberyabber happiness***
got e lyrics for matchboxtwenty's new song..... finally....................... ***swoonswoon***
***wild fervour anticipation***
e album's supposed to be out on nov19..... mmmm........... ***contemplation*** that's what they always say.......... oh well......... i'll just be content with disease for now........... ***excitement*** i've waited two years for this man............ boy am i perked up..........
and as usual, rob thomas sounds smooth as marble, primal, and intense..........
check out e guitar riffs during the first two lines of the second verse......... ***orgas man***
electric eclectic mmmmmm........... move over 'hella good', 'disease' is e new foreplay song...........
Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go
You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No one's ever turned you over
No one's tried to ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn
Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl
I can't breathe
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Set me free of my disease
HAPPY!~! sha la la~! it's so nice to be happy!~~!~!
***beambeam***
law and order, crime and punishment
well......... a good conclusion to the torturous half of my exams........ caught 'the dangerous lives of alterboys' today..... got me thinking........ if people do not impose inhibitions on us, it would be impossible for us to rebel wouldn't it? if rules didn't exist, then no one would break any rules would they? it's what man does that drives other man to insanity and offence................... it's all a vicious cycle, and there seems to be no way outta it.....................
was a pretty good paper today, though i didn't study too much for it, and i didn't sleep too much for it either, but i wanna thank the Lord and the people around me who have shown me His presence; His faith in me; His unconditional love for me.............. as kerri said, we're feeling slack and not exactly super prepared, yet we feel this eerie calmness in our hearts and minds, for we have accepted that whatever happens will happen, that we have handed it over to God, that we will do what we can, but we know that everything is out of our hands....... praise the Lord.......... Thank you baby, you brought serenity into my heart without realising it........ the world we see and experience may be depressive and pessimistic, yet it is up to us to govern how we wanna perceive it ultimately..................
different points of view? or just plain psychotic?
felt a lil tinge of jealousy today when i went to have a look at the contestents of the subaru impretza competition.................. standing in the rain for days on end, deprived of any human contact and human need for 6hrs, only to be allowed a short 5mins for that, then it back to the alienation with the hand on the car............ i was envious........... not because i wanna join it cuz i think it's fun and challenging; not because i'm stuck in my a's while people stand in the rain; not because they stand a chance to win a car but i dont; not because they've got their freedom and i don't................. but simply because they're doing something i'm not................. it's this envy that lies in all of us, that we incessantly hanker after what others have and we don't................. syanding, watching as an outsider, i wanan be part of it, i wanna be in it......... but when i do happen to be in it, do i really wanna go on? i dunno............. i know for one that i am not one to give up just like that, that such things are my cup of tea............... but a nagging teensy bit of me tells me it's not because of what i want or have or don't have, it's becase of what others have.................... is my alter ego right? are we humans really so selfish and possessive that we can't bear to not have something someone else has? i dunno........ and i don't wanna know really............. as they say, ignorance is bliss............... but then again, i would rather be that disillusioned girl, than the airy bimbo living careful....... i simply cannot bear the idea of being in the dark, of not knowing the real meaning of life................... is this my idealism? or is it my cynicism?
1924
happy 24th wedding anniversay mum and dad.............. hope u like the prawns i shelled for u................. doesn't even count for a little something but hey, it's the thought that counts right? u always shell prawns for me when i was young cuz i didn't know how to, and you still shell them for me cuz i dun wanna get my hands dirty and simply cuz i'm a brat........... but gradually the time will come for me to shell prawns for u........... and i'm starting to learn now, i'm gradually taking the first steps to shelling them (though still keeping my hands clean).............. they day will come when me shelling them with my spoon and chopsticks will prove to be too slow for u, but when that time comes, i will change, and i will shell them with my bare hands, just like how you've been doing so all your lives............. and 'im preparing for it, let me show you i can be like you................ i may fail or fall short, but hold my hand and guide me along, like how you've always done..........
today's been a fantastic day for me, and i'm happy............ not the typical hyper-high-WHOA!~ kinda happy, but the quiet inner-musing-and-feeling-full-of-fulfilment kinda happy................... dinner was simply wondrous.............. i don't recall the last time i felt this way.............. okie, maybe happy isn't the word for it............ it's more of.... satisfaction.............. peacefulness and resolution................ maybe it's the end of the tough papers; maybe it's knowing that everything happens for a cause; maybe it was the poignant beautiful film i watched; maybe it was the fruitful shopping trip after such a long fallow period; maybe it was the call from mediacorp asking me to audition for a role in an upcoming new sitcom; maybe it was the sight of the people in the rain, willing to endure rain and hunger and high tides from calls of nature for something they believe in and have the determination to fight for; maybe it was the dinner............... maybe it was everything................. anyhow, i feel at ease, at one with myself................. this may not last long............ who knows, it might just fall apart in the next minute, but right now i'm revelling in it, enjoying the peace and serenity it showers me with................. smiling to myself an inner smile, in the hope that this inner smile i wear in my heart will last through my life, and will shine forth to the people around me, shedding some restfulness to their inner voices too..............
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Monday, November 18, 2002
i'm a worthless piece of crap
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here
She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
-'creep' , radiohead
i wanan belong there too...........
it's funny how all the elite know each other.............. whatever happened to those who don't know them? don't they get a chance??
realised that wilfred owen knows siegfried sassoon who knows bertrand russell and w.h.r rivers who knows lewis carol.......... and the list goes on...........
i don't understand why it is that all the famous people know each other.......... it's NOT cuz they're famous............ and they're from different social and professional circles......... WHY?!~~?!?~?!? someone please enlighten me???
plato was socrates disciple
and i can't think of other examples, but look around; into history........... it's bloody staring at us straight in our faces............
so if i know a few famous people of two does it increase my probability of becoming famous too?
ballocks
it's all an elitist circle
Sunday, November 17, 2002
well......... interesting fact of the day...... (though i learned the fact two days ago........ but i lag........ hey... cut the girl some slack)
brain matter
it seems the average human uses only 0.05% of his brain his whole life......... (note it's his, not hers.... ehehe) but we can actually fully utilise all 100%, just that well, we've just haven't been able to unlock all the unexplored potential of the human brain............. the brain's a powerful really, all that telekinesis, esp, psychic powers....... the ability to manifest pure electromagnetic waves into physical forces........ unbelieveable.............. it's mind over matter man............
well.......... einstein used 10% of his brain........ whoa....... and the clincher?? he had a bigger brain than the average human....... so logically and proportionate wise, if his brain were the same size as ours he'd prob be using like 21.7% of his brain right? but that's just a wild number........... interesting.......... what bout those with smaller brains?? eheheh............ wouldn't their 10% be equivalant to 0.01035% of the average being? mmmm......... explains the blonde phenomena..............
disclaimer: the above mentioned 'brain matter' is from cherrie........ any doubts or frauds approach her........ i'm just the mouthpiece............
always on my mind is still reverberating in my head 24/7..............
so many things to do, so little time, so little patience, so little perseverence, so little connections, so little knowledge, so little experience, so little space.......
is it all intrinsically part of us to distrust anyone else? mmmm........ we all put on this facade; this mask to prevent others from seeing the real true us, from seeing us for who we are: the naked human soul devoid of lies........... why do we all put on fronts and acts? are we but all actors in this stage of a world? is shakespeare really right all along? that 'We cry that we are born to this great stage of fools' that life is merely an endless act of futility? an absurd piece of theatre that never ends? with an infinitesimal number of minute acts that interlap and cross scenes? that 'All the world's a stage and the men and women are merely players'? if that is the case, then aren't we like the Pardoner, an actor acting as another character? changing his persona as and when it seems fit?
bippety boppety boo
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eehhhhh....... so funky........ ehehe **bimbotic giggle***
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hehehe.................
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***purrs***
i like ariel.......... my fav disney cartoon.... ***beams***
***satisfaction***
Which Piercing are you?
AHAHHAHAH!~~~!
that was the clincher man!!~! okie.... enough tests for today............ sheesh............... nipple?!?~?!?~?!?!~?
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
You walk before me, lord knows I can’t follow
You walk behind me and I don’t think I can lead
You walk around me, please don’t walk around me
'Cause you know how dizzy I get
- 'Dizzy'
a song that invariably gets me feeling really happy and all peachy.......... for now....... 'Under the Sea'
The seaweed is always greener
In somebody else's lake
You dream about going up there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful things surround you
What more is you lookin' for?
Under the sea, under the sea
Darling it's better down where it's wetter
Take it from me
Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we're devoting full time to floating
Under the sea, ha ha...
Down here all the fish is happy
As after the waves they roll
The fish on the land ain't happy
They sad 'cause they in the bowl!
But fish in the bowl is lucky
They in for a worser fate
One day when the boss get hungry
Guess who goin' be on the plate?
Wo-no, under the sea
Under the sea
Nobody beat us, fry us and eat us
In frickazee
We what the land folks loves to cook
Under the sea we off the hook
We've got no troubles, life is the bubbles
Under the sea (under the sea)
Under the sea (under the sea)
Since life is sweet here, we got the beat here
Naturally (naturally-ee-ee-ee)
Even the sturgeon and the ray
They get the urge and start to play
We've got the spirit, you've got to hear it
Under the sea
The lute play the flute
The carp play the harp
The plaice play the bass and they soundin' sharp
The bass play the brass
The chub play the tub
The fluke is the duke of soul (yeah)
The ray, he can play the lings on the strings
The trout acting out
The blackfish he sings
The smelt and the sprat
They know where it's at
And oh, that blowfish blow!
Yeah, under the sea
Under the sea
When the sardine begin the beguine
It's music to me (music is to me)
What do they got, a lot of sand?
We've got a hot crustacean band
Each little clam here know how to jam here
Under the sea
Each little slug here cutting a rug here
Under the sea
Each little snail here know how to wail here
That's why it's hotter under the water
Yeah, we in luck here down under the muck here
Under the sea
Monday, November 11, 2002
mediacorp called me up yesterday afternoon, asking if i'd like to act in the new season of first touch.. well......... tough luck, filming starts on monday, as does my 'A's.... dang.......... well........... to look at things on a brighter side, least they think i can act........... least i think they think i can............ can you imagine them actually telling me "Girl, go take some acting lessons before coming back to look for us"......... ouch................. scary thoughts.............
i woke up late this morning, awaken by a sms from a friend.............. telling me to buck up for the 'A's.......... it seems as if the big scary 'A's hangs on everyone's lips, 'all the best', 'take care', 'study hard', 'jiayou'........... it's all we can talk about........ life suddenly contracts into the upcoming 3 weeks, nothing else matters......... no talk about shopping, partying, going holidays, reading, leisure......................... it's all about 'Have we studied this?' 'Is this important?' 'How do you do this?'.......... life suddenly becomes so meaningless yet fraught full of definitions and quotations from wider more intellectual minds................
was full of enthusiasm actually, filled with a dreadful anticipation for the next day.......... kinda feeling pretty excited and felt a little adrenaline rush when i walked around the house........ think the exam fever's burning me up.......... getting funny thoughts and feelings................ ***shuddershudder***
i looked at the calender and i realised that well....... my last paper this week's on friday....... and after this week, my next paper's on mon.... lit paper3....... which happens to be my weakest weakest weakest absolutely no hope paper......... i haven't touched it at all since the prelims........... no exacerbation, not exagerrating, ain't lying......... totally brutally honest............ how now brown cow? sigh.............. all that crap about us getting straight 'A's and 'B's even though we screw up our prelims; bollocks........ well it's probably the other way round for me.......... doling relatively well for prelims and screwing up my 'A's............ ha.... that'll be a real joke..........
oh flutter flutter mutter mutter butter butter
Woke up this morning, felt around for my shoes
That's when I knew I had them old walking blues
I woke up this morning, felt around, felt around for my shoes
That's when I knew I had them old, mean old walking blues
Leaving in the morning if I have to, robbed blind
I've been mistreated and I don't mind dying
I'm leaving in the morning if I have to, robbed blind
I've been mistreated and I just don't mind dying
Well some people say boy, the walking blues ain't bad
It's the worst old feelin' I 'most ever had
- 'Walking Blues'
'always on my mind' has been ringing in my mind all day.......... replaying in double time, half time, normal speed........... if the tune actually starts playing in my head tomorrow halfway through math i swear i will just get up and sing it out loud in a trembling alto voice................... okie; then again, maybe not.......... i haven't got a fantastic voice to die for; secondly.......... i don't wanna hafta retake my 'A's as a private candidate........................
i have a fantasy, where halfway through my exam paper, when i'm so frustrated and agitated cuz of all the irritatingly phrased questions and non-existent answers, i'd just slam down my pen and let out a disgruntled roar............. and everyone just ignores me, minding their own workings....... though of course, that's pure fantastical........ in the real world, i'd get a boot in the asre and thrown out of the exam hall, probably barred from taking further examinations after being labelled as unstable........... that'd be a real scream.......... ***no pun intended***
beautiful rainy day today... it rained practically the whole day...... lovely............ nice and cooling....... soothing on the nerves............ rain calms me down......... lifts me up.......... and makes me sound.............. i love the monsoon season that's coming by.......... gloomy and melancholy, perfect setting for the exams......... yet in the midst of this deepset gloom is an underlying peace and life that's waiting to be let out...................
when the rain falls
there's magic in our lives
when the rain falls
we're happy deep inside
when the rain falls
it cleans away the corners of our minds
when the rain falls
the pretty people run
when the rain falls
the colours cloud the sun
when the rain falls
we'll sit and watch the children hurry home
and when everything is blue or green or green or blue or grey
across the street to catch the beat of my heart
and i watch it all cuz there's nothing else to do today
and i watch it all for so long
-'When the rain falls', Suede
well i don't think i'd pretty much be blogging much soon, unless of course, i'm really jaded and a goner........... ah sigh........... i'll miss you bloggie..........
Song of the Moment : Kiss the Girl
Percussion, strings, winds, words.
There you see her,
sitting there across the way.
She don't got a lot to say,
but there's something about her.
And you don't know why,
but you're dying to try,
you wanna Kiss the Girl.
Yes, you want her,
look at her, you know you do.
Possible she want you to,
there is one way to ask her.
It don't take a word,
not a single word,
go on and Kiss the Girl.
Sing with me now.
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my oh my,
Look like the boy too shy,
Ain't gonna Kiss the Girl.
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, ain't that sad,
Ain't it a shame, too bad
he gonna miss the girl.
Now's your moment,
floating in a blue lagoon.
Boy, you'd better do it soon,
no time will be better.
She don't say a word,
and she won't say a word
until you Kiss the Girl.
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don't be scared,
you got the moves prepared,
Go on and Kiss the Girl.
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don't stop now
Don't try to hide it, how
you wanna Kiss the Girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, float along
and listen to the song,
the song say Kiss the Girl.
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, music play
do what the music say,
You wanna Kiss the Girl.
You got to Kiss the Girl
(kiss her, kiss her, kiss her)
Go on and Kiss the Girl
(kiss her, kiss her, kiss her)
You gotta Kiss the Girl.
(kiss her, kiss her, kiss her)
Go on and Kiss the Girl!
Saturday, November 09, 2002
a song that just makes me melt whenever i listen to it..............
beautiful lyrics......... even more beautifully done by willie nelson......
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied
Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
yourself or someone like you
more than you think you are
that's what we all are, 'more than we think we are'....... often times we tend to belittle ourselves much more than others belittle us don't we? seems like a human condition........ either we think we're less than we actually are, or we think we're more than we are........... can we never reach a balance? i really wonder...... is it possible? but considering that we're constantly in a flux, the moment we hit home we change again don't we? it's an abstract concept and i honestly think i don't know much enough about myself to comment on this......... it's rather ironic isn't it? that considering what i've just said about us not knowing ourselves well enough i can confidently state that i know that i don't know myself well enough to know myself.................. ha......... get a grip baby...........
i'm too weary to go much in depth about everything........ i find it so much easier skimming the surface of multiple things and issues rather than centering on one issue and going in depth about it............ oh great, now my lit's gonna suffer because of that.......
"... it's only three days to our 'A's and we can still walk around like that and go shopping"
"That's what scares me, i'm afraid we're being complacent ."
"But we've been studying for quite a bit and we deserve a break cause we know we've put in effort"
"But isn't that considered being complacent?"
honestly, can anyone tell me what defines complacency? i don't feel a single shard of urgency........ is it cuz i'm complacent? that by some fluke or divine miracle i'll be able to pull the same trick and get 'B,C,D' again, but for the 'A's this time?
or am i just feeling stagnant and need some oiling to get back in motion?
maybe i just lack the discipline? it's as simple as that........
or do i just plainly don't care?
afterall, i can always get a father-mother-scholarship to anywhere i want to............
yet i can't say i don't care can i? afterall, i do want to get to manchester and study theatre........
but do i want it bad enough?
or am i having doubts without even knowing it? that is this the path i really wanna go down? am i prepared for the uncertainties that lie along the way?
have i been too sheltered all my life?
always running home to my safe abode, where i can abandon all facades and guises and just be plain me, devoid of expectations to live up to....... knowing that whether i fail or accomplish anything home will always be here for me, to be my safety net, catching me when i fall..........
yet i can't be such a no-back-boner all my life can i?
daddy...........
it's so great being daddy's girl.......... isn't it? just sweet-talk big ol' daddy, pouting a lil here and there, talking in a sweet tone, emulating the child of yesteryear who's long gone........ all for what? to get extra allowance............. to ask daddy to let me buy my prom accessories.............. to ask daddy if he can give me some money cuz i'm broke after shopping when i'm supposed to be studying........................ i don't deserve this.................. afterall, what have i done for them in the past 18yrs 7mths 29days? except to help deplete money?
that's all i am, and will ever be,
yourself or someone like you
can i ever be more than i think i am?
Thursday, November 07, 2002
po-tay-to...... po-tah-to......... to-may-to...... to-mah-to......... nee-ther.......... nai-ther......... ee-ther.......... ii-ther..........
 Find Your Inner Cartoon Babe brought to you by Quizilla
You're Daphne. All you need to do is sit there and look pretty. That's why the rest of us hate you.
***smile***
now tell me something i don't already know for the past 18 years of my life.........
 How strange are you? brought to you by Quizilla
Odd....
somehow i can't help but think only the last part's true......... hmmm..........
got my new glasses today.......... ***wild gringrin*** it's matt metallic blue......... pretty pretty........... been dying for a new pair for ages........... the old ones have no nose-bridge thing, so it kinda rests almost on my cheeks......... suffocates my eye-bags... urgh......... now i feel free and able to breathe.......... ahhh..........
Random Thoughts
somehow i wonder....... can we have two ezlink cards?
i feel like wearing a skirt tomorrow...........
'oh my god, i woke up with a snake tattoo'........... oh yeah... i'd love that............. 'cept i'd want a bat, or turtle, or a nymph...... think they're adorable lil cheeky thins.... deserve to be put on a leash......... how bout 'i am evil'? haha....... that'd be fun...... probably on my shoulder blade......... my folks will so flip...... ***muses***
'you don't know why but you're dying to try, you wanna kiss the girl'
i wanna party hearty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ***poutpout***
the toilet paper at lofty's place is really nice and soft... it's four-ply
'the seaweed is always greener on somebody elses lake' isn't that so true?
i wanna watch ben-hur.... the ten commandments...... the guru...... red dragon...... halloween resurrection..........
i wanna be a witch......
okie.. now i wanna be a vampire.........
i wanna live in medieval ages.......
i wanna be the little mermaid............
i wanna be a part-time stage actor; part-time musician/drummer; part-time hockey player; part-time repairwoman, aka full-time odd-job...... how ironic........
i wanna fall in love
i wanna be loved by someone i love madly
i wanna live the life of antonin artaud for a day
if money didn't exist wouldn't that solve all the problems of greed and poverty?
i wanna read my books
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
can birds fall to their death?
was sitting at sturbucks today, sipping my coffee and doing my math, when i happened to look to the pavement outside and i saw a pigeon roosting on the tarmac, and i said to myself, 'please don't tell me it's dead'........ well.... as if in response to my sentiment, it arched its ass.......... moments later it tried to stand up and walk, then i realised it was injured, it was limping and wobbling, hobbling from side to side, falling to the ground every now and then, completely helpless............ people just watched it nonchalently, as if one pigeon life wasn't worth anything........ to watch it was tortuous, knowing full well i wanted to do somthing to help yet could not and did not know what to do............ for hours it just stood there, resting and occasionally trying its legs, only to be failed by them time and again..............
when it started to rain, the old man who waters to plants came, and he just picked the bird up roughly by its wings, causing me to wince in pain for the little beast...... he dumped it behind some block... and it wobbled its way under the ixora bushes....... unable to fly or crawl to safety......
watching this wretched form, i can't help think what sets us apart from them.......... what makes us so special that we can just ignore another living creature in agony whiklst we sit on and bask in our comfort........... is that what superior beings do? if so, where has humanity gone? to technology and science i guess?
what happens to crows that are shot by those government paid bird-shooters? do they simply just disappear from sight? come to think of it, i've never seen the carcasses of these crows on sidewalks and pavements..... after getting shot, are they killed instantly? or do they get wounded and fall to the ground? and if they do fall to the ground, are they killed on impact of hitting the ground? just like how we die when we jump off a building? but how is it that i've never seen any streets littered with crow guts? do they land gently and softly? how? and what does the government do with these dead/wounded birds? burn them and use their ashes to manufacture bricks? this whole common everyday life issue seems to be covered with mystery for me.......... for the past 365 days of each year, 18 years in all, i've lived through with this common phase and yet i know nothing about it........... do we take for granted something so insignificant? yet important? doesn't this go to show our materialism and absorption with ourselves?
study? shop?
it's only 7 more days to my exams and i still can jalan jalan around in parkway, fulfilling my shopping desires, when i should be engaging in intellectual activity with my books........ how ironic......... i still don't feel the stress........... in fact, to speak rather ashamedly, i am pleased with my buy today.......... i purchased a voyage de rita top and two skirts.......... (again)......... after recently spending $256 on two tops, a skirt and a pair of slippers at the very same place........... is it simply a lack of self-control? or am i subconsciously trying to destroy myself? doing what i know i shouldn't and not doing what i know i must? how now brown cow? ***frownfrown*** i feel this sense or urgency surfacig, yet i'm trying to suppress it, hoping by ignoring it it would go away........... stupid futile and inane......... yet worth a try........... this can't go on.............
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
upset
wild rice and theatreworks haven not replied my enquiries about whether i could volunteer my services for them next year......... ***poutpout*** so now how brown cow?? i dunno man......... either i sit and mope and wait till christmas for their reply, (which will probably never come by the way), or i go intern with tns....... which, i happen to do not really like.... though i have got friends there....... but i don't really like their working style........ but well, beggars can't be chosers daphne.......... you ain't got no cake, don't even think bout eating it...........
isn't it ironic that before, i was rather enthusiastic about practising my math, but i scheduled myself to read my lit notes first....... (yes........ i DO actually have a vague form of timetabling, i just don't really follow it all the time, that's all..... if i can remember what i is...... ehehhe)........ and now that i'm finally done with my lit notes, after a month's reading........... i can't bear to out down the heavy note and get my engine cracking for math........ i'm actually thinking 'damn..... i don't wannt practice math...... it used to be fun.... but now i just wanna read my lit notes'.............. help me........................ dilemma.................
i'm scared............... scared and insecure.............. what happens if i screw my papers up so badly i can't go anywhere? this not paranoia speaking....... i don't feel any sense of urgency.. not at all............... i can still zonk out from 730pm till 10pm watching sitcoms on starworld........ wake up at noon everyday......... is it an innate complacency? a sense of inertia? pure dread? or am i just burnt out? tired and unable to continue slogging after these turbulent one and a half years?? or am i laying low and playing dumb, so that when the time comes and my results suck i can console myself by saying it's okie, cuz i din put in all my effort afterall.......... knowing you failed without putting in effort's better than failing after slogging your ass off right? cuz the latter's an affirmation that you just don't make the cut no matter how much you put in cuz you just don't have what it takes........ if you fail without putting in much you can console yourself by saying that your potential's just untapped, lying dormant.......... right? right?
i've already in mind what to do after the 'A's are over, there's so many things i wanna do, so many events i wanna check out, so many things i wanna learn, countless things i wanna be a part of............. but in the meantime, it's all a blank......... i'm drawing a cipher........... it terrifies me, but i can't do a thing about it....... ***bites lower lip***
theatre productions; drums; drinks; great live music; hockey; hanging out; hanging out late; reading; resting........
well................ guess they'll all just hafta wait don't they? they can but i can't........ urgh.......... ***struggles to fight the inner demon***
i think my sin's greed, lust, and sloth.............
this is bad, i'm actually in a partying mood........ if anyone asked me to a night out i'd shoot yes without even a single thought, not to mention a second thought........... the worst part? i don't feel a tad bit guilty........... so when i'm standing in line next march collecting my results, would i tell myself 'you deserved it you swine'? or would i be sobbing my eyes out, asking 'why me?' it's actually mind over matter isn't it? well....... kudos to me, i ain't exactly got the best will power, determination, much less mention perseverence............. so it's a boot in the ass and off you go lass....... out the back door and don't come back.........
then there's also the prom stuff to settle, what accessories to go with my gown, the alteration of my gown, where and what to style my hair, make-up on the day itself, a nice classy multi-purpose bag to go, figuring out what performance item to put up, the worry of not being able to fit into my gown................. urgh.......... as if the 'A's alone wasn't enough to weigh me down........... ***no pun***
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, In sunsets
In midnights, In cups of coffee
In inches, In miles
In laughter, In strife
In - Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died
It's time now to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Measure, measure your life in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
- 'Seasons of Love' , Rent
Monday, November 04, 2002
believe in yourself
a bar owner once told elvis presley, when he was still small town, to get out of his bar...... he told the elvis that he would never make it as a singer.............
einstein was a slow kid in school
The odds were a hundred to one against me
The world thought the heights were too high to climb
But people from Missouri never incensed me
Oh, I wasn't a bit concerned
For from hist'ry I had learned
How many, many times the worm had turned
They all laughed at Christopher Columbus
When he said the world was round
They all laughed when Edison recorded sound
They all laughed at Wilbur and his brother
When they said that man could fly
They told Marconi
Wireless was a phony
It's the same old cry
They laughed at me wanting you
Said I was reaching for the moon
But oh, you came through
Now they'll have to change their tune
They all said we never could be happy
They laughed at us and how!
But ho, ho, ho!
Who's got the last laugh now?
They all laughed at Rockefeller Center
Now they're fighting to get in
They all laughed at Whitney and his cotton gin
They all laughed Fulton and his steamboat
Hershey and his chocolate bar
Ford and his Lizzie
Kept the laughers busy
That's how people are
They laughed at me wanting you
Said it would be, "Hello, Goodbye."
But oh, you came through
Now they're eating humble pie
They all said we'd never get together
Darling, let's take a bow
For ho, ho, ho!
Who's got the last laugh?
Hee, hee, hee!
Let's at the past laugh
Ha, ha, ha!
Who's got the last laugh now?
- 'They All Laughed' , Frank Sinatra
Saturday, November 02, 2002
 What sexy girl are you brought to you by Quizilla
is that w joke life's paying on me?
 What box do you get put in? brought to you by Quizilla
You're in the Gangster box.
well i like that..... bite me
 What Kind of Coffee Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
You are a mocha. You might as well be cocoa. Why not just call yourself cocoa and be done with it?
a feeling of wanton inaneness and lack of form or substance
it seems that nowadays words seem meaningless and futile.......... they form a nothingness that never ends, be they verbal or written....... i had to push myself to do e above quizes and type this out, ironic as it is.......... but the want to just melt away and be carried along with the pouring rain is surging through me, yet i know i'm deemed powerless...........
is this the prime of my youth? cramming for exams and wanting desperately yet helplessly for my life to begin?
.................. i'm too tired to write further.............
to you, so broken and wretched,
who are beautiful, loving and loved in God's eyes. He sees.
his memory of fears
course down his face
pregnant of memoirs,
fallen from grace.
his unjustified shame
he wears like a crown,
damned to his grave
or so, he thinks
These nameless forms,
turning, greets he.
flailing in stagnant air
an emptiness creeps in
Now broken,
wretched
torn
to shreds
to piece this fragile creature of art
falls upon Him,
Who lifts; lightens; loves and lavishes.
His beauty, mercy, grace, are One
to darkness, daylight slowly seeps
Til once again
Standing pure at His feet, we see our radiance.
This, our paradise be.
Friday, November 01, 2002
This goes out to all who question me on why I wanna do professional theatre.
If concert halls and theatres were shrines to performing artists, the stage must be the altar. On this piece of hallowed ground, years of training and months of rehearsals, scripts of inspired writers and dances of emotional choreographers, talents of sound, lighting and set design all merge to create moments of sheer magic. The sum often exceeds its parts. The miracles witnessed on stage are fueled by their characteristics of fragility, uniqueness and interactivity.
Like crystals, live performances are treasured for their fragile beauty. There is only one chance to get it right, which makes the act even more wonderful as it closes in on perfection. There is no second take and errors must be glossed over quickly. All the time spent on preparation perch on a fine balance.
The miracles witnessed on stage are fueled by their characteristics of fragility, uniqueness and interactivity.
Like snowflakes, no live performance is the same as another. Each unique performance is the result of a myriad of factors. The orchestra plays on a slightly different tempo every night and the actors/actresses get absorbed deeper into their characters as the production runs on. A hard day at work invites sleep and the helicopter in Miss Saigon refuses to start.
Like pets, live performances give you back according to how much you indulge them with. Spontaneous laughter, encouraging applause and instant, natural reactions all work to heighten the atmosphere of the show, motivating the artists. New friendships are forged in the audience as two people realise they laugh at the same moment (when everyone else is hushed). The elusive things called atmosphere and aura appear only during live shows.
The magic of the stage.
That's why
i don't wanna end up living a life i don't enjoy, where at the end of each day i slog home and lay in bed, wondering if twenty years down the road i'll regret the path i've chosen; where i wake up every morning with a sense of dread and trepidation in the pit of my stomach; where each passing minute at work is filled with uncertainty and emptiness.
i wanna wake up excited and fresh, despite the 3hr night's worth of sleep i had, eager as a beaver and kancheong as a spider, reving to get cracking; to pour out my lines wit the enthusiasm of a 13-year-old schoolgirl at her first day of school and be criticized and bettered; where i know i can trust everyone around me for we've built our trust on years of miscommunications and brawls; where the people know my eccentricities and moodswings and love me just the same for who i am.
but does this utopian idea really exist?
And I said good morning Mrs. Sumner I would like you to meet my friend Mr. Jones
He has a house made out of butterflies
I can't sleep sometimes but I've been told
It's a lonely condition called growing old
Let me stumble sometimes
I'm looking for a soul to cling to
Girl what you think about that
This time, well it all comes down
To loss and strain and butterflies
Then it comes right down to me
Hello have you been alright
Did you find a piece of something wrapped around the light side of your life
To make you feel better
Did you get out with your sanity
Did you save a little something for the people in need
And did you know with the rain in your pockets
You can change the weather
Is it just the total for the wages of our sins
And have you made yourself a victim
In a game that you can't win
And our we caving in
And does it all depend on loss and strain and butterflies
And does it come right down to me anymore
This time
Does it all come down
To loss and strain and butterflies
Come on down to me
- 'Loss, Strain and Butterflies'
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