you are loved
i took for granted the fact that turtles/terrapins/tortoises all tend to have long lives............. won't die......... blah blah.................

i was wrong

my pet turtle of 5 years is dead, and from the looks of things............... for more than just a day..................... i so wanted to shoot myself when i walked past their tank............ i separated then cuz they got a lil too big to be sharing tanks and one kept bullying the other, biting off her(i think) claws and always climbing on top of her......... so they had their own tank.......... and every thing was hunky-dory............ but till a few days ago my mum usurped one of their tanks for her ever growing collection of luohans..... so there they were, back to square one, except not quite really, for this time round, they were bigger and more irritable, being older, and the comfort of their own space was taken away from them............ space enough only to do a 360degree turn without scraping its partner by a few cm..............

so i just merrily walked past them without so much as a glance, only catching them fom the corner of my eye, the occasional one on top of the other........... lalala............ then as i waltzed past them thoughtlessly, i just got this pitful feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach........... so i stopped short........... waited for the guy to get off the gal................ and there she was, hollow eyed and pasty, skin peeling off and placid............... dead.

how i wanted to kick myself............. i felt so guilty, as if i were the one who caused its death................. i seldom fed them, only when i was feeling exuberant that day..... i left the feeding to my mum........... and they were supposed to be my pets....................

so there he was, swimming; crawling; climbing; living; breathing alongside his dead companion of 5 long years.............. i felt repulsed by the thought............ how could i let my baby go through such torture? i once chided fong for letting his pet turtles which were a birthday gift die after only a few days............ how cruel he was and inhuman........... yet here i am, no better..... possibly even worse................ least his turtles died together................ mine's lonely now..................

i watched him going about his normal stuff............ in the tank clamouring after me, crawling clumsily to and fro, thinkng i was gonna feed him......... with no thought as to his companion............... was he even aware of the light of things? i dunno...............

i watched her little limp saggy head bob up and down in the turbulent waters caused by his excited crawls for food; her outstretched limbs never to e retracted again............ swishing about in the stagnant waters................. then so softly and gently resting back onto the cool surface of the tank.................. in that unassuming corner.............. she was always the quieter one...................... her hollow eyes couldn't even stare back at me, as much as i wanted them to................ i choked back my anguished cries and helplessly willed myself to tear myself away from that scene of death........... cezzane came and sat by me, staring up at me with his huge deep comforting eyes............ yet i felt no comfort...................... how could i? when a life was gone? a life that stood by me through the more turbulent years of my sweet young life......... her carefreeness now gone............... reflected in an emptiness that draws and sucks..............

i did the only thing i could.................. to cry..............

but that was not enough............... not by a long way...........................

does he know what's going on? i couldn't do a thing about it................ i just fed him............ him, there in the tank with the dead carapace, thrashing wildly in the water for food, alongside his dead friend.......... the thought of what i was doing sickened me...... yet i could do nothing else to bring any comfort to anyone or anything............. and so i fed him.................

now she is still lying there, motionless, beside his vibrancy............ will the echoing emptiness drain the life out of him? i have no idea............ i cannot bring myself to touch her......... to cleanse him of the filth that swims in the murky waters that he calls home.............. what am i to do? i feel so helpless...........



what is this about taking things for granted?................. i'm always goin on and on about it.............. yet know it's bit me in the arse........... slapped me in the face, and wrenched from me a life....................... i seldom fed them, leaving the job of taking after my pets to my mum.................. so much for taking things for granted............. now i've lost a part of it.................. painful lesson.......................

she still sits there in her corner...................... i dunno what to do....................... please come home mummy............ i cannot do this on my own...................