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We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Sunday, October 13, 2002
 
once a skeptic, now a believer in ephemeral beauty...
to think that i once scoffed at those who went for national day specially for the fireworks and proclaimed how grand it was, the many who rush to their doorstep of their strategic homes just for the lil moment of sparkle in the sky, the countless who gushed about the fireworks and their brilliance................ yet i was one of the many by the singapore river yesterday night, awaiting the aptly named 'harbour spectacular'................. it's redundant, wasting time and effort, all at the cost that few moments of bright incipience above, which does no one any good, save but to add to the effects of acid rain and haze problems already faced by us................. it is difficult for me to comprehend why anyone would want to spend the time and effort being oppressed by the sweltering heat and being surrounded by pushing and shoving people........... withstanding those hours of pure torment for that short moment of brief brilliance.............. when your life is nonetheless still the same as it was before and not drastically changed, and no difference is made, save for that moment of night turning into day, which will eventually fade away............... i was sitting on the steps of marina square when i first saw the pristine white flames of purity some spewing from the 'spikes' of the esplanade itself....... followed by a cannon of works and beautiful flowers of light in the night sky........ 'so pretty' was the only thing i could mutter incessantly to myself...... the only thought that kept running through my head while i stood at a standstill, watching the life of these gorgeous blossoms die out only seconds after they've come to life.............. is it worth wasting those hours for that one lil moment? i recall a girl standing in front of me commenting in the midst of the fireworks 'wah, i wanna get married now'.............. are they unable to see the absurdity and futility? or do i refuse to see the ephemeral beauty which exists? for to admit it is as good as admitting that we are all but the same, shining once ever so brightly, only to be extinguished forever...........

portrait of a drowning man...
i find myself increasingly possessive of something that is not even mine............... that i can't even associate with............... yet the longing to be part of it is so great and massive that it is almost suffocating me................... how many fitless nights have i spent pondering over it, unable to rid my mind of the thought................. to free myself from it's unwitting grasp? they say that there is logic in madness............ yet in my insane quest i see no truth....... no way out............. no through road............ no reason................. no hard and fast way out................ nothing for me to cling to....................... no logic in my insanity......... am i to suffocate in this cloud that surrounds me? it clouds me yet i am unable to grasp unto it.................... the lack of something concrete.............. real............. clinging onto nothingness............ hoping against hope............. i'm being withheld against my wishes within my wishes.............. i need a way out.................... fast............

am i being a pure brat? or are my parents just doing what they wish and not taking into consideration my wants? i got pissed off with them over something inane and mundane............... dinner......................... don't believe myself............... without knowing i caused my two brothers to sort out an argument they had, yet i myself am embroiled in a disagreement with my mum...................... the family is the basic unit....... yet within this unit itself there are internal politics and refusals to compromise..... what then? i can't seem to find a way out of the rut i'm in........... a refusal to compromise, refusal to see each other's point of view, inability to emphathise with the other, unwillingness to listen to the other and work things out, lack of justification.............. is that how it's supposed to be? will someone show me the way out? to take me by the hand and say everything'll be okie? i believe so.......... but the important question surfaces: when?

while i was in church today a song just suddenly hit home........... for no rhyme or reason, but it just did.......... beautiful song.......... written for a reason.... unlike so much of the world that surrounds us today..............

little child
dry your crying eyes
how can I explain
the fear you feel inside
cause you were born
into this evil world
where mass is killing man
and no one knows just why
what we have become
just look what we have done
all that we destroyed
you must build again

when the children cry
let them know we tried
cause when the children sing
then the new world begins

little child
you must show the way
to a better day
for all the young
cause you were born
for all the world to see
that we all can live
with love and peace
no more presidents
and all the wars will end
one united world
under god

when the children cry
let them know we tried
when the children fight
let them know it ain't right
when the children pray
let them know the way
cause when the children sing
then the new world begins
- "when the children cry' , white lion

But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one
- 'November Rain' , Guns 'n' Roses



 

 
   
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