'Let everything go to God....searching for the answer is futile cuz there aint no answer at all....he knows whats perfect for u and he will never let u settle for what he thinks is second best for u...keep searching for the blessing...it doesnt come immediately...maybe only after 5 yrs then u'll realise what was it that God wanted for u....'

yes cherrie................ i so totally agree with u............ it's true................. i look back at what i've been moping about, griping about, ranting and raving about, trying to deal with, and i realise it's all an act of futility.............. maybe that's why i like beckett and ionesco so much................... because their plays speak so much, yet in so little tiny ways they seem to be nonsensical........................ it's no wonder BALANCE was based on an absurd play 'catastrophies'.......... how aptly named............ BALANCE itself was a catastrophe....... one that emerged a miracle in the end............... it was through this trying period with BALANCE that i felt i grew so much......... so much such that i thought i would burst if i had to go through another day with them.................. it truly made me take a step back and look at the world and its workings from a different angle.........

i always ask myself, and God......... why? why is it that things don't go the way i want them to, and they do for others...................... i know it's cuz it's not meant to be, cause God's got other things in store for me............ but why can't i accept that? why do i insist on being the brat that i am and hanker after what's not meant to be mine? it's easier said than done............ but i'm on it........... i'm trying Lord................ please give me the strength i need............ and the faith and trust.......... i'm not a strong person, i know.......... take my hand and lead me Lord.............. 'draw me close to You.......... never let me go...... i lay it all down again............ to hear You say that i'm Your friend................... You are my desire..... no one else will do.............. You're all i want... You're all i ever needed... You're all i want.......... help me know You are near............'

my turtle's still lying in it's tank................ i cannot bring myself to get it out............ what do i do?

i nearly punched my lil bro just now when he commented that i was heartless and inhuman cuz i wasn't sad that my turtle died................. i swear if this were an animated flick i'd have seen him wrung on the clothesline, tongue hanging out, face purple, gone through the roller and washing machine and dryer, cracked like and egg and beaten and whipped like cream.................. but alas.................... tis life................. so i just sat quietly and read my king lear............ so much for fulfilling your dreams...........

i thought i needed a lil lightenin up, so while bathing i conceived a notion.............. (i get most of my ideas while bathing....... kinky and non-kinky ones... ***gringrin***) i was gonna post a list of seventeen attributes which would be lovely if my future spouse possessed them................ just for laughs................ he doesn't necessarily have to have them.......... it would just be 17 extra plus points if he did............... cuz i'd still love him all the same.............. here goes...............

Checklist Version 1.7
1. sweaty palms......... cuz then we'd both understand how the other feels..........
2. a passion for the arts....... could be theatre, music, art, dance, anything, u name it..........
3. a love for reading
4. twisted sense of humour
5. active and athletic
6. enthusiastic and bubbly, but not without his own isolation moments
7. nice thick dark hair to run my fingers through........ since i ain't got no thick mane of mine......... his will just hafta do......... heeheh
8. animal lover..... turtle lover...........
9. anarchist and left-winger
10. spontaneous
11. heavy sleeper........... so i can make breakfast for us and surprise him.................
12. can cook! cuz i can't........... eheheh........ for e moment.............. maybe i'll learn? maybe not.......... ***gringrin***
13. to die before i do.......... cuz i couldn't bear the thought of leaving him behind with the pain while i move on..........
14. kinky behaviour........ (no dirty thoughts please..... tis a family entertainment programme)
15. horror movie freak!!! YEAH!~ more gore!~~!
16. cleans and tidies e house......... cuz i don't......... ***gringrin***
17. into blues and rock..........
18. can take my shit (so to speak)........ able to keep up with my ever changing shifts, in attention; mood; whatever...............

there it is!!! i'm done........... didn't think i'd get through it... but i did!~ well........... i know i said 17...... but i just couldnt resist adding in the last bit......... eheheh........... it's all just for laughs............ no real intent................. there's more to a relationship than such skin-deep stuff........... but to all things there's always got to be some superficiality to even things out and lighten stuff so it doesn't get too heavy-going...........
cheerios!!!!~!!!~!~

everyday it's getting closer
going faster than a roller coaster
a love like yours would surely come my way

everyday seems a little faster
all my friends they say go on up and ask her
a love like yours would surely come my way

everyday it seems a little stronger
everyday it lasts a little longer
come what may do you ever long for
true love from me
like I long for you baby

everyday seems a little closer
going faster than a roller coaster
a love like yours would surely come my way

a love like yours would surely come my way
everyday
-'everyday' , James Taylor