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We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Sunday, October 06, 2002
 
i've never seen fong cry, and the one time that he did really shocked me and left me heavily stunned................. not because he was my fellow 'BALANCE' member; not because he was crying over the death of our piece 2 1/2 hours before our examination; but because he was, and still is the strongest person i've ever seen, and to see him cry and break down right before my very eyes was just too much of a shocker.................... i still remember him saying under the dim AVA lights, head bowed and looking almost resigned, 'I'm going to cry if we talk about it anymore'.......... the honesty; the lack of any facades; the openness and frankness........ it sounds almost farcical.... yet the whole situation was........ but he still held his place, and it wasn't until we had to break the awful decicion to lofty at the stone tables under the dim light of dawn did he choke on his words, turn his face away, and signalled to liz to break the news to lofty......... he simply couldn't do it........... when i grasped his hand to comfort him, i could feel his anguish and sorrow through his hand when it gripped my own, and i felt his helplessness and destitute.............. the fong that we knew, always confident and driving everyone nuts with his bold ways, almost to the extent of being over-bearing, happy-go-lucky and never stressed, taking everything in his stride........... yet here he was, this crumpled being, the same as me..................... this intense and passionate figure who somehow in hos own magic way kept himself always distant from everything........... a truly paradoxical character............
after that incident, when asked if he cried before, he said yes, only once........... and i knew which once he was talking about......... i've always marvelled at how he managed to keep his head in every imaginable crisis; how he could hold his tears in when in the presence of a truly beautiful scene unfolding before him, specially for him............ and he told me before that it was because he learned to distant himself from the happenings in his life.............. therefore he didn't see the need and feel the urge to cry................
the total opposite: i, who cries at every single thing.......... total lack of control over my emotions............. i term myself a crybaby......... i just can't help it... how, how, do people manage to keep their tears in when they feel like bursting? how? i have not the slightest inkling............. the slightest thing can upset me and cause me to tear........... and after i let out that lil tear or two, then i feel better........... is that good? or bad? it can be seen that the lil seemingly insignificant tear plays a huge vital role in my catharsis, yet on the other hand it can just be plainly that i lack the emotional control.......... so which is it? i have yet to find out................
when i got out of bed this morning i thought it was going to be a joyous day..... i actually felt chirpy and jumpy......... yet when my mum gave me a dressing down for going to church as i was leaving the house and so totally left me upset and distraught, i could feel my mood going down the sewer.................. every now and then during worship i felt the occasional tear come rising up, and i fought the urge to cry........ yet after the subsequent few wet eyes, i felt terribly better........... is that good or is that bad? good that i managed to cheer up? or bad that i had to cry to let it out to cheer up and was not able to deal with it without the age-old wussy way of crying? the question still stand and i still wanna find out more about my complex.............. yet the ultimate thing was that in the end, i was happy and chirpy, just as i thought i would be.......... and as the day progressed, it only got better and better................ living testiment of the Lord's hand at work............

Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that i'm Your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You

You're all i want
You're all i ever needed
You're all i want
Help me know You are near
- 'Draw Me Close To You'

 

 
   
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