i come to realise how lucky i am................. that i've got almost everything i could ever want going smooth sailing for me.................
i'm in a good school... one of the better ones............ and i'm studying the best course in the world..... theatre studies and drama and i've got wonderful friends......... they may not all be good and fantastic and we may only be there for each other at this certain point in our lives which crosspaths.......... most of us would probably not even keep in contact after we leave this school........ but nevertheless life is circumstantial and situational........... and i'm thankful to the Lord for these friends who're here to guide and accompany me along this stretch of my life...... lifting each other up at points and giving each other a wake-up call to reality when we need one......... thank you God......... i am truly blessed...........
to put it in a crude pragmatic way........ we're all stepping stones for each other......... cruel as it may sound and unfeeling as it may be.............. it isa fact...... and depressing as it maybe be......... that's life........... c'est la vie................. one can only make the best out of this hapless situation and carpe diem............ treasure what we possess now and let go when the time comes........ no point holding onto something once it's served it's use and outlived it's faithful purpose......... ***ouch***............. what a heartless world............ as they say.......... there's a time for everything............ and now's the time to learn from each other... to lend each other a shoulder to lean on and provide an arm to guide the way................... but nevertheless............ all good things must come to an end............... memento mori...........................
whilst watching the chinese version of 'who wants to be a millionaire'......... a show i'd never in my life join............. due to the language barrier............ i silently chide myself for not being a pious student and perfecting my mothertongue............ i do not regret it........... i don't believe in regret.......... refusing to regret my decisions in life makes it all the more bearable......... is it escapism? pragmatism? idealism? i wonder.................... don't tell me........... i don't wanna know.............
the first contestant up was some guy from my sch........... (probably some china scholar...... as he was 19years old and in year1)........ i heard my dad tell my lil bro of 11 that he wanted to see him wearing that uniform in 4 years........ (actually it's more like 6..... but let's not go into that........... my dad's getting old.......)....... i can sense the trepidation running through my lil bro's undeveloped 11yr-old brain when my dad mentioned that............ and i realised how lucky i was.......... i got into vjc without much struggle........... all through my life in the education system i've more or less breezed through it......... obtaining no less than 90marks all throughout primary school.......... my worst ever was an 84 for chinese........ not surprisingly..... i got into a sap school.......... and even there....... cramming for my exams last minute......... i got to vj.............. and now i'm facing the big 'A'...... yet i feel no urgency.............. will this spell of luck run out at this crucial moment in my life when i need it most? i have no idea......... i have no wish to let my parents down or myself........... yet i fear that i just might...................... but going back to my main point......... my lil bro tells me often how envious of me he is.......... that i've always gotten good grades and such......... and i can sense how he holds me in high regard............... he's constantly measured against my past successes............ and i know it is unfair to him and places unnecessary pressure on him............. yet do my parents realise that? are they open-minded enough to see the repercussions it'll have on him? i don't think so............ to them it's all study-hard-and-get-the-grade............ i don't see why there's so much emphasis placed on academic result......... not everyone develops at the same pace and not everyone is gifted in the same area........... what about creativity and emotional intelligence? human social skills and language skills? looking at the people that surround me......... i'm not surprised to find out that those with the best grades are often the least outstanding in creativity and people skills............ and it's the ones who don't necessarily excel tremendously in their studies who stand out....... can there ever be a balance? or have we lost this balance that once was? i believe it is the latter............ the ancient greek philosophers and mathematicians were well-versed in both the arts and the sciences............. yet now modern man is either inclined towards one or the other............... is this our supposed evolution? are we actually ascending the evolutionary ladder or descending? it really puzzles me............

am i just another ordinary person?
'erratic'............ 'weird'........... 'hard to keep up with'.............. 'screwed up'............. 'crazy'............. these are words that i often heard people describing me with.......... am i really that far out? do i really stick out like a sore thumb so much? i question myself almost everyday.............. i hold it personally that everyone is unique........... to quote chumbawamba........... no one is completely useless, they can always serve as a bad example................... i totally believe that.............. i believe that everyone.......... no matter how rotten to the core they are and nasty.............. has their saving graces and attractive features............ we've just got to look deep enough to find them............. somedays i wake up feeling on top of the world............ feeling peachy and enthusiastic............ feeling like i matter in this endless cosmic waste that we exist in............. that i could make a difference.............. yet there are times when i question myself............... when i look into myself and wonder what there is to me......... how different am i from the businessman rushing on the road... trying to clinch a deal............. living his life methodically day to day.............. i'm but just another miniscule being in this web of being....... what could i possible do? and so many people seem to outshine and dazzle me........... but do we even exist? or are we all just states of being? existing only because we think we do.............. i can't fathom that............ i'm lost in this outpouring of human existence in the vast sea of mankind..................... where is my stand in this world? am i but just a withered leaf flitting in the wind? lost and without a resting place? locked in an entanglement with the zephyrs and unable to free myself from this cruel unending fate? am i just another face in the faceless crowd? what do my accomplishments matter when even i cease to matter? does all this matter even? i need a beacon to light my way and guide me............. yet like the moth that is attracted to the flame......... i end up burnt........ brought about by a cruel twist of fate...... dealt a cruel hand by life............. the paradox of my existence........... to find the end of the road and discover it leads to a dead drop down into the darkness of the abyss of oblivion.......... caught in a limbo............ i try to pen down my thoughts yet they turn out unlike what i intend.......... i am unable to accurately express myself........... this inadequacy lends all the more to the fact that i am no one special.......... how ironic that i pride myself in self-expression to find myself inadequate in fully expressing myself in words................ only in actions do i declare my existence....... yet am i assured of my existence in this mundane insignificant activity that counts for nought? can i?

all this talk of getting old
it's getting me down my love
like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
this time i'm coming down

and i hope you're thinking of me
as you lay down on your side
now the drugs don't work
they just make you worse
but i know i'll see your face again
now the drugs don't work
they just make you worse
but i know i'll see your face again

but i know i'm on a losing streak
cuz i passed down my old street
and if you wanna show, then just let me know
and i'll sing in your ear again

now the drugs don't work
they just make you worse
but i know i'll see your face again

cuz baby, ooh, if heaven calls, i'm coming, too
just like you said, you leave my life, i'm better off dead

but if you wanna show, just let me know
and i'll sing in your ear again

now the drugs don't work
they just make you worse
but i know i'll see your face again

yeah, i know i'll see your face again
yeah, i know i'll see your face again
yeah, i know i'll see your face again
yeah, i know i'll see your face again

i'm never going down, i'm never coming down
no more, no more, no more, no more, no more
i'm never coming down, i'm never going down
no more, no more, no more, no more, no more
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
try to make ends meet
you're a slave to money then you die
i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down
you know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

no change, i can change
i can change, i can change
but i'm here in my mold
i am here in my mold
but i'm a million different people
from one day to the next
i can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no

well i never pray
but tonight i'm on my knees yeah
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
i let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, i feel free now
but the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

no change, i can change
i can change, i can change
but i'm here in my mold
i am here in my mold
and i'm a million different people
from one day to the next
i can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no
i can't change
i can't change

cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
try to make ends meet
try to find some money then you die
i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down
you know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

you know i can change, i can change
i can change, i can change
but i'm here in my mold
i am here in my mold
and i'm a million different people
from one day to the next
i can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no

i can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
i can't change
can't change my body
no, no, no

i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down
i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down
been down
ever been down
ever been down
ever been down
ever been down
have you ever been down?
have you ever been down?