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We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Monday, September 30, 2002
 
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to? Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for,
When you look behind you there's no open door?
What are you hoping for? Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time,
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds.
You knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me.

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to? Do you know?

Now looking back at all we've had,
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands.
Why must we wait so long before we see,
How sad the answers to those questions can be?
- 'Do you know where you're going to'

how often do we stop and ask ourselves this question 'do i know what i'm doing?'
how often do we actually know exactly what we want?
how often can we say for sure that we're able to brave the consequences of our actions and decisions?

when asked "Who is the most important person in your life right now?" most people would answer their parents or spouse or either the occasional brutally honest or egoistical maniac would answer themselves...... but for me.......... i didn't know........... (or was it i didn't want to know? or i couldn't know?) well......... the conclusion was that there was nobody in my life that i deemed as important........... that's why............. but isn't that even sadder? that it signifies that my life is empty and devoid of feeling for anyone? is this my supposed disillusionment? or have i failed to comprehend the issues of importance in life? is my quest for something meaningful that i can hold close to my heart actually making me more detached from what is actually important? has it made me cold and unfeeling? distant and unseeing? aloof and insensitive? it's scary finding out that there's nothing in life that i deem as important, that life is ephemeral and existencial............... what do i do if everything is just a dream? how will i swim in this uncertainty?
i was posed the question of "What do you want?" today, and then another question hit me right smack in the face "Are you able to bear the consequences of what you want?" i thought about it, and i can say for sure that i don't honestly don't know....................... i want to pursue my dream, of studying then doing theatre, yet i'm terrified, petrified even, that i might lose the passion; that mixing passion with studies/work would kill it............ yet i'm still determined to go through with it............. i know the going will definitely get tough, and even after i graduate, it'll only get tougher with the difficulty of getting a stable place in a theatre company ***what an oxymoron: 'stable job in theatre'..... haha*** but i believe that the Lord will show me the way, what he has planned for me, be it indirect or direct; easy or tedious............ but it still doesn't get rid of the fear of failure, of having my dream shatter of a million fragments, having all that i've built up just come tumbling down, leaving me with nothing to fall back upon except a huge glaring gap in my life and beliefs................... what then? what am i supposed to do from there? pick up the pieces and move on? how do i do that? or even leave the pieces there and move on? isn't that plain cruelty? it's like wrenching my arm off and telling me it's alrite anyway since it was my left arm and i'm a right-hander........... ouch............... ***grimacegrimace*** isn't that how life is? you move on............. e world doesn't stop revolving for you..... neither does it slow down....... you've just gotta pick yourself up and get over it............... ain't no crying over spilled milk.......... no time to mourn your loss too................

Draw the dream,
and the dream will be drawn to you.


yes mr teo........... i will bear that in mind.............. it was this message that you wrote on the board on friday that all the more added to my determination of pursueing my dream of doing theatre, when you told us to dare to strive for what we want, you were speaking directly to my dream; my aspiration; my wildest dream............ and i respect for you that; for telling us to dare to do what we want to, to dare to walk the ends of the earth to search for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow......... if you noticed the tears that i shed, it was your message on the board that tugged at a string at my heart, for it spoke directly to me, and the fact that it's a personal message, knowing the cartoonist that you are, who draws to express himself........... you know what it's like to have a dream you want to pursue, and am imparting the knowledge to us......... and i thank you for this invaluable insight................. if 10 years down the road you hear my name(hope you still remember me by then and senile dementia and a whole line of A55ers hasn't taken it's toll on you ehehhe) and see it up in the lights, i hope that you would come up to me and give me the chance to thank you for being one of the few people in the singapore education system who has encouraged me to pursue my dream and cause it to materialise and not just sit back and watch the world pass by and lament on it's passing................... thank you for the nine months of nonsense that you've put up with.................. we're truly grateful and thankful for all that you've put up with; all that you've endured............ like you said: us setting the school on fire, breaking out of school, breaking into school............ who could forget these moments.................. no one could have gone through what we've put you through without calling the mad club, without scolding us, or simple without plainly walking out on us............... you were filled with hope and dreams of us, and we can see it in your eyes whenever we sit in the front row, right under your nose, chit-chatting away, giving you the impresion we're not listening and driving you nuts................. you are truly the best civics tutor an arts class can have, and 01A55 is really blessed to have you........... i hope that one day will you accept the offer of pubbing from hannah and me, and one day you'll accept our hug of thanks, for being there for us when we were down, keeping us afloat with your jokes and enthusiasm.......... for tolerating my inattentiveness and bad attitude behaviour........ my little naps (long naps even) in class, for understanding my obligations as faculty captain and hockey player and not giving me hell for whatever i've cut slack on in our class................ you were, and are great.......... magnamimous and unconditionally giving............. you leave me baffled by your life and spark............
i remember the day you pulled me out of class during ct session and gave me a pep talk on gp, telling me what your expectations of our class and of me, and i was truly surprised at how highly you thought of us; of me, and i may have seemed to have come across as flippant and not seeming to take to what you said, but mr teo, you've taken my esteem of myself to a higher level; believing in me when even i didn't think i was capable......... you lifted me up and gave me renewed hope, and i thank you for it............. u may not remember my words that day, but i said i do what i have to do, that i don't care for the grades....... i still don't.......... but the best that i do, the grade i strive for, it's for you, for you've nurtured me and inspired me in ways you're unaware of, even i'm unaware of till now, and this boost of confidence endorsed in me i will put to good use, to make true your hopes of our class, of making history........ ***winkwink*** it may be difficult, and i cannot speak on behalf of 01A55, but on my part, i will try.........

When I was only seventeen
My head was full of brilliant dreams
My heart would call and I would gladly go
At twenty one the world was mine
And I was yours and you're divine
And nothing else would matter to us so
I don't believe in destiny
I don't believe in love
I don't believe that anything
Will ever be enough
Man you should have seen us
On the way to venus
Walking on the milky way
It was quite a day hey hey...
Walking on the big stuff
Acting like we're real tough
Baby we were on our way
So what do you say hey hey...
As time goes by reality
Destroys your hope and dignity
There's nothing left but shadows on the wall
But just remember who you are
And where you've been you've come so far
And never ever let them see you fall
I don't believe in miracles
I don't believe in truth
I don't believe that anything
Can recreate your youth
Walking on the Milky Way...
- 'Walking on the Milky Way', OMD

 

 
   
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