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Monday, September 30, 2002
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to? Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for,
When you look behind you there's no open door?
What are you hoping for? Do you know?
Once we were standing still in time,
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds.
You knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me.
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to? Do you know?
Now looking back at all we've had,
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands.
Why must we wait so long before we see,
How sad the answers to those questions can be?
- 'Do you know where you're going to'
how often do we stop and ask ourselves this question 'do i know what i'm doing?'
how often do we actually know exactly what we want?
how often can we say for sure that we're able to brave the consequences of our actions and decisions?
when asked "Who is the most important person in your life right now?" most people would answer their parents or spouse or either the occasional brutally honest or egoistical maniac would answer themselves...... but for me.......... i didn't know........... (or was it i didn't want to know? or i couldn't know?) well......... the conclusion was that there was nobody in my life that i deemed as important........... that's why............. but isn't that even sadder? that it signifies that my life is empty and devoid of feeling for anyone? is this my supposed disillusionment? or have i failed to comprehend the issues of importance in life? is my quest for something meaningful that i can hold close to my heart actually making me more detached from what is actually important? has it made me cold and unfeeling? distant and unseeing? aloof and insensitive? it's scary finding out that there's nothing in life that i deem as important, that life is ephemeral and existencial............... what do i do if everything is just a dream? how will i swim in this uncertainty?
i was posed the question of "What do you want?" today, and then another question hit me right smack in the face "Are you able to bear the consequences of what you want?" i thought about it, and i can say for sure that i don't honestly don't know....................... i want to pursue my dream, of studying then doing theatre, yet i'm terrified, petrified even, that i might lose the passion; that mixing passion with studies/work would kill it............ yet i'm still determined to go through with it............. i know the going will definitely get tough, and even after i graduate, it'll only get tougher with the difficulty of getting a stable place in a theatre company ***what an oxymoron: 'stable job in theatre'..... haha*** but i believe that the Lord will show me the way, what he has planned for me, be it indirect or direct; easy or tedious............ but it still doesn't get rid of the fear of failure, of having my dream shatter of a million fragments, having all that i've built up just come tumbling down, leaving me with nothing to fall back upon except a huge glaring gap in my life and beliefs................... what then? what am i supposed to do from there? pick up the pieces and move on? how do i do that? or even leave the pieces there and move on? isn't that plain cruelty? it's like wrenching my arm off and telling me it's alrite anyway since it was my left arm and i'm a right-hander........... ouch............... ***grimacegrimace*** isn't that how life is? you move on............. e world doesn't stop revolving for you..... neither does it slow down....... you've just gotta pick yourself up and get over it............... ain't no crying over spilled milk.......... no time to mourn your loss too................
Draw the dream,
and the dream will be drawn to you.
yes mr teo........... i will bear that in mind.............. it was this message that you wrote on the board on friday that all the more added to my determination of pursueing my dream of doing theatre, when you told us to dare to strive for what we want, you were speaking directly to my dream; my aspiration; my wildest dream............ and i respect for you that; for telling us to dare to do what we want to, to dare to walk the ends of the earth to search for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow......... if you noticed the tears that i shed, it was your message on the board that tugged at a string at my heart, for it spoke directly to me, and the fact that it's a personal message, knowing the cartoonist that you are, who draws to express himself........... you know what it's like to have a dream you want to pursue, and am imparting the knowledge to us......... and i thank you for this invaluable insight................. if 10 years down the road you hear my name(hope you still remember me by then and senile dementia and a whole line of A55ers hasn't taken it's toll on you ehehhe) and see it up in the lights, i hope that you would come up to me and give me the chance to thank you for being one of the few people in the singapore education system who has encouraged me to pursue my dream and cause it to materialise and not just sit back and watch the world pass by and lament on it's passing................... thank you for the nine months of nonsense that you've put up with.................. we're truly grateful and thankful for all that you've put up with; all that you've endured............ like you said: us setting the school on fire, breaking out of school, breaking into school............ who could forget these moments.................. no one could have gone through what we've put you through without calling the mad club, without scolding us, or simple without plainly walking out on us............... you were filled with hope and dreams of us, and we can see it in your eyes whenever we sit in the front row, right under your nose, chit-chatting away, giving you the impresion we're not listening and driving you nuts................. you are truly the best civics tutor an arts class can have, and 01A55 is really blessed to have you........... i hope that one day will you accept the offer of pubbing from hannah and me, and one day you'll accept our hug of thanks, for being there for us when we were down, keeping us afloat with your jokes and enthusiasm.......... for tolerating my inattentiveness and bad attitude behaviour........ my little naps (long naps even) in class, for understanding my obligations as faculty captain and hockey player and not giving me hell for whatever i've cut slack on in our class................ you were, and are great.......... magnamimous and unconditionally giving............. you leave me baffled by your life and spark............
i remember the day you pulled me out of class during ct session and gave me a pep talk on gp, telling me what your expectations of our class and of me, and i was truly surprised at how highly you thought of us; of me, and i may have seemed to have come across as flippant and not seeming to take to what you said, but mr teo, you've taken my esteem of myself to a higher level; believing in me when even i didn't think i was capable......... you lifted me up and gave me renewed hope, and i thank you for it............. u may not remember my words that day, but i said i do what i have to do, that i don't care for the grades....... i still don't.......... but the best that i do, the grade i strive for, it's for you, for you've nurtured me and inspired me in ways you're unaware of, even i'm unaware of till now, and this boost of confidence endorsed in me i will put to good use, to make true your hopes of our class, of making history........ ***winkwink*** it may be difficult, and i cannot speak on behalf of 01A55, but on my part, i will try.........
When I was only seventeen
My head was full of brilliant dreams
My heart would call and I would gladly go
At twenty one the world was mine
And I was yours and you're divine
And nothing else would matter to us so
I don't believe in destiny
I don't believe in love
I don't believe that anything
Will ever be enough
Man you should have seen us
On the way to venus
Walking on the milky way
It was quite a day hey hey...
Walking on the big stuff
Acting like we're real tough
Baby we were on our way
So what do you say hey hey...
As time goes by reality
Destroys your hope and dignity
There's nothing left but shadows on the wall
But just remember who you are
And where you've been you've come so far
And never ever let them see you fall
I don't believe in miracles
I don't believe in truth
I don't believe that anything
Can recreate your youth
Walking on the Milky Way...
- 'Walking on the Milky Way', OMD
Saturday, September 28, 2002
had a wonderful day to day with my classmates and friends, though the manager at kenny roger's at marina was kinda condescending and irritating............ but we shall be magmanimous and put that at the back of our minds as the food was great..... eheh............. like one of harris' constant harpings , "us singaporeans are always on about food".... hehehe........... i think he's right................. ***gringrin***
over the lunch, i can't help but reminiscience about the good old days when we were innocent year one students, devoid of the big 'A' and all the hassle of studying........ as in the workshop yesterday, lofty said that we've all grown older and wiser as opposed to a year and a half ago, and i so totally agree............... not only physically and intellectually, but more importantly and on a deeper level, spiritually and emotionally......... we've learnt how to cope with a helluva lot of stress and hypocrisy, problems and strifes, rifts and broken friendships, and as i think back now, i see how much we've grown and matured, and it's a bittersweet feeling............... having gone through so much and experienced so much, experiencing the pain and anguish, yet at the same time taking i more of this life that the Lord has in store for us............ it is truly a cauldron of emotions and thoughts, bubbling and threatening to spill over the top.................. how do we keep the lid on it? ***punpunpun***
like children at the playground, we see their faces filled with joy and innocence and we feel a poignancy and certain jealousy creep into our hearts....... we know we were once like them, carefree and fearless, yet we just cannot place our fingers on how it felt to be in that state during a time long ago.......... liberated from the responsibilities and relationships that tie us down now, we wish to return to that utopian state of mind.............. yet ironic as it is, children hunger to grown up; to be responsible for themselves; to have the freedom that adults have; to enjoy the priviledges of maturity, yet when they've achieved those, in turn they yearn for the innocence and pure simple uncorrupted universe of childhood......... do we not appreciate what we have and take things for granted? does it have to take us to lose something before we value it and regret the days when we took it for granted?
it's amazing how our notion of love changes, as time passes and thoughts and feelings change gradually, without our knowledge and anticipation, til one day it hits us like a slap in the face and we're thrown into a whirlwind of confusion, uncertain and lost................... just like in "Legends of the Fall", the male hero returns from war to find the female heroine married to his brother and he says "You said you would love me forever" and she replies "Forever was too long".............. ouch.............. funny how we can be so certain about one thing at a point of time, yet as time passes, our faith wavers and our determination withers............ and what we were once so certain of just falls apart and it doesn't hold anymore............ shouldn't we learn from this fatal flaw in us and all our past experiences and not make such long-standing promises and statements? yet why are we so abstinate and stubborn and commit this mistake over and over again? are we so blind to see the fact? or are we just deluded, seeing yet unwilling to accept the hard truth, continuing to lie to ourselves day by day? it's all a matter of perception, how our perception changes from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.............. as it is, humans are fickle, it is in our nature, undeniable........... we change from time to time and how can we trust anyone, let alone ourselves? to put it cruelly, humans are creatures of deception, seemingly true and earnest at a point of time, yet lying and cheating at another......... but we ourselves are not in control of it, so how can we blame others when we ourselves are like that? isn't it a way of denying blame? of putting the blame on someone else just so it makes it easier for ourself to come to terms with it? it is always easier to come to terms with whatever unfortunate happens to us by blaming someone else or our surroundings.......... is this our form of escapism? or just our own insecurities that exist in each and everyone of us? will we ever be able to come to terms with it and confront it?
just three miles from the rest stop
and she slams on the brakes
she said 'i tried to be but i'm not
so could you please collect you things
i don't wanna be cold
i don't wanna be cruel
but i gotta find more than what's happening with you
if you would
open up the door'
she said 'while you were sleeping
i was listening to the radio
wondering what you're dreaming when
it came to mind that i didn't care'
and i thought 'hell if it's over
i had better end it quick
or i could lose my nerve
are you listening
can you hear me
have you forgotten'
just three miles from the rest stop
and my mouth's too dry to rage
the light was shining from the radio
and i could barely see her face
but she knew all the words that i never had said
she knew the crumpled up promise of this broken down man
and as i opened up the door
she said 'while you were sleeping
i was listening to the radio
wondering what you're dreaming when
it came to mind that i didn't care'
and i thought 'hell if it's over
i had better end it quick
or i could lose my nerve
are you listening
can you hear me
have you forgotten'
- 'rest stop', matchboxtwenty
would you know my name
if i saw you in heaven?
would it be the same
if i saw you in heaven?
i must be strong
and carry on
cause i know i don't belong
here in heaven
would you hold my hand
if i saw you in heaven?
would you hjelp me stand
if i saw you in heavne?
i'll find my way
through night and day
cause i know i just can't stay
here in heaven
time can bring you down
time can bend your knees
time can break your heart
have you begging please, begging please
beyond the door
there's peace i'm sure
and i know there'll be no more
tears in heaven
- 'tears in heaven', eric clapton
Friday, September 27, 2002
Tribute to a very special man, one of his kind and unaware of it. The one who has opened doors to us and caused us to view the world without lies
[gets up from sitting along the rim of the light, skips bubbly to the nearest dark corner, sits down and grins idiotically.
grin slowly fades and she looks down to the floor, muttering "i don't know" silently, yet with a quiet intensity.
pauses and holds the moment, then she slowly moves to crawl/drag herself back to the edge of the light]
that's my inner clown............. the clown i discovered in me during workshop today................ i spent a brain-wrecking time searching for my clown.............. most professionals take six months to find their clown........... yet in this crash-course workshop on clowns we had to do it in like, what......... 10 minutes? it wasn't easy............ digging deep within the depths of your subconsciousness, trying to uncover that one throughline that compacts every single action of yours and defines what you live your life by...............
i discovered my friends' clowns, and contrary to popular belief, clowns are a sad lot, not the stereo-typical half-twit that we see bouncing around............. their lives are fake and one-dimensional, and as we dug deep into us this raining gloomy friday afternoon that was to be our last workshop and last official day in college, we realised that practically all of our inner clowns were depressive, pessimistic and deluded.............. " if i smile hard enough everything will turn out alright"............. " hi, my name's so-and-so........... yah right............."................. " i can't take it, i can't take it........ i can't take it"................. these are just some of the inner clowns of my friends.......... the cheerful people that have surrounded me and whom i've gone through utter shit and chaos and desperation with.................. and they come up with such depressing and suicidal inner driving forces........... how am i supposed to react to them? i can't fight the tears that are coming, and neither can a few of the rest......... the tears gates give way and a few of us silently cry in this misery of a world that we live in, while the other stronger ones are able to hold onto their emotions............
"i feel bad", said lofty, and i feel bad for making such a wonderful selfless man who has given so much of himself so unconditionally feel bad.......... all the late nights and stress, crises and endles encouragement from you.......... Thank you lofty, I love you. You have done so much for us and we will never forget it no matter how old we grow. This learning experience will accompany us till the day we die and thank you ever so much for opening this door to me, this less-travelled road....... and I will remember your words, that theatre is being true to yourself........ i still remember when we stayed overnight in school the day before my group's practical exam......... and after spending hours without end trying to work out our piece, brainstorming and wrecking our minds, we suddenly turned around and bit the loving hand that fed us, scraping our piece at 6am in the morning, with only two hours to go before our exam......... i remember the reassurance you gave us, we know full well that you were deeply shaken and almost in pieces, just like us, yet you still held on, putting on a strong facade for us, because if you let us see you break down, then there was going to be no holding BALANCE together......... it seemed as if the balance had been toppled and there was no way of securing an equilibrium......... yet you placed even more faith in us, determined that we would get there eventually, guiding us along the dark weary trodden path, holding the tender delicate and frail hands of the four of us in your two old weary and tired hands............... and we did. Though you weren't there to view our maiden run, we felt your spirit with us, egging us on, telling us in your mind from outside of AVA that we could do it, and that as long as we believed in what we were doing, nothing could go wrong.................. i still remember the perplexed look on your face, with your hand over your mouth as you sat and creased your brows as you looked on at us while we were trying to sort out our doomed piece........ and the glint in your eye when you said with confidence and faith and reassurance "You've found your theatre" when we slowly but surely fitted our piece together with you at the helm............ though you didn't realise it, but you were what drove us on..................
Now we have to step out of the comforting wings of the familiar and face the world, disillusioned and with washed eyes.
The future teaches you to be alone
The present to be afraid and cold
So if I can shoot rabbits
Then I can shoot fascists
Bullets for your brain today
But we'll forget it all again
Monuments put from pen to paper
Turns me into a gutless wonder
And if you tolerate this
Then your children will be next
And if you tolerate this
Then your children will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Gravity keeps my head down
Or is it maybe shame
At being so young and being so vain
Holes in your head today
But I'm a pacifist
I've walked La Ramblas
But not with real intent
And on the street tonight an old man plays
With newspaper cuttings of his glory days
and to the beautiful one, this is for you, just like i said i would..................
And i feel that time's a wasted go
So where're you going till tomorrow?
And i see that these are lies to come
So would you even care?
And i feel it, and i feel it
Where you going till tomorrow?
Where you going with the mask i found?
And i feel, and i feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?
And i feel so much depends on the weather
So is it raining in your bedroom?
And i see, that these are the eyes of disarray
Would you even care?
And i feel it, and she feels it
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
you know........... i can't help but wonder what i'm gonna do in future........ i read my school's magazine yesterday......... brandan marc fernandez (yes cherrie and angie....... it's LINDA...... not leslie......... ***triumphant look***) was interviewed in it, and he was formerly of my school too................ he's now, as he himself wryly puts it, " in a state 85% of actors worldwide are: unemployed".......... and i can't help but wonder: so what does he do now that he's unemployed? he's only 22 this year and he would have been a 2nd year law student if he hadn't chanced upon tsd........ so now that he's chosen this path.......... what does he do now that he's awaiting the results of his auditions? does he actually attend school still? if so, where? does he bum his time away? idling away and waiting for a successful audition to come by? how does he make a living this way? i've set my heart on living out the path he's taken too, chosing to further my theatrical knowledge in england for the next three years after i graduate from college................. but then again......... i've got friends who tell me that if i'm keen on entering the thesbian circle then why bother with the degrees and such? they don't really play a huge part in landing a role in a play and i see their point.......... apparantly branden fernandez isn't really studying now ( i think) and he started auditioning after/during? his ns days.......... and i could do the same! what's with going abroad and getting the theory when i can stay local and attain the practical experience? i could end up like him: doing what i love and enjoying it, carefree and boundless............... most people would tell me it's risky and impractical.......... but if it can save me time and my parents money.......... why not? but ultimately, it is a humongous step and i'm not sure i have the courage and confidence to do it........ what then? what now? the thing is that whether i have a degree in theatre or not, it doesn't make a difference.......... it's the experience that matters isn't it? so what if i have an extensive knowledge of greek theatre and the different genres of theatre? am i actually going to apply it when i'm acting onstage? i can read it up on my own in my spare time when i'm "unemployed"............. can't i? the knowledge is going to fade away......... but the stage experience increases with each passing play............. so how now brown cow? dilemma............... trust my gut or go with the flow? uncertainty abounds............................................
Thursday, September 26, 2002
| Yuoo ere-a zee Svedeesh Cheff!
Yuoo ere-a a guud cuuk, thuoogh yuoo cun't speek Ingleesh fery vell. Bork Bork Bork! | |
Take the What Explosive am I? quiz by  PhoenixSpirit001
I am Rumpelstiltskin!
Find your fairy tale character at kelly.moranweb.com.
what kitchen utensil are YOU?
Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by alanna
haha............. okie............ so i was bored............. i took those quizes.................. sue me!!! ehehhe.............. but they were FUN!!!!!!!! seriously!!! have a go at them!!! really served to lighten up my afternoon let me get ot know myself better........... ***uncertain look***............. ehhe............. oh well................ it was fun....... these mundane parts of life are what keep us going from day to day........... serving to stretch that glum frown out into a smile and ignite a lil twinkle in the eyes..............
it's not always big issues in life that are important............. the lil spices in a dish serve to bring out its' fragrance and act as garnish.......... food for thought eh? ***punpunpun***
What is this life, if full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?
well.......... can't say i'm surprised at your test results beautifuloser....... for the sake of it....... the beautiful one among us.......... ahha.............. no pun....... strictly no pun................ hehehe................ since i'm the disillusioned one that automatically makes you the beautiful one right? sheesh.................... thinking about it............ yeah.............. i'd say i'm pretty histrionic and obsessive-compulsive.......... just wondering why i didn't get like a high for schizotypal and narcissistic too........... ***gringrin***
was looking at my parents buying dessert at tiong bahru market......... and the sudden realization of them being very loving struck me.......... their shared smiles and their familiar reassuring touches really warmed my heart............... it was then i realized that love does exist.................. when barely an hour before that they nearly broke out into a quarrel about how my dad drove the car away and my mum and i couldn't find him as he was sitting virtually next to us reading his paper.......... but he didn't say so........ and we were left high and dry looking for his car which was parked in some desolate corner obscured by some lorry............ it was the typical mis-communication that happens every so often......... which not handled well could explode into a full blown cold war................
i got chills, they're multiplying, and i'm losing control
cause the power you're supplying, it's electrifying
you better shape up, cause i need a man, and my heart is set on you
you better shape up, you better understand, to my heart i must be true
nothing left, nothing left for me to do
you're the one that i want, you are the one i want, ooh ooh ooh honey
the one that i want, you are the one i want, ooh ooh ooh honey
the one that i want, you are the one i want, ooh ooh ooh honey
the one i need, oh yes indeed
if you're filled with affection, and you're too shy to convey
meditate my direction, feel your way
i better shape up, cause you need a man
i need a man who can keep me satisfied
i better shape up if i'm gonna prove
you better prove that my fate is justified
are you sure? yes i'm sure down deep inside
it seems that i'm skeptical about the notion of love............ that the fact that i could actually spend the rest of my life with someone escapes my grasp......... to quote beautiful, " for a pretty long time I lost faith in the boy-girl kind of relationship. I found it very difficult to actually consider trusting a guy" ............... well............... i agree with you beautiful.............. with the first part of your statement but not the second................... but today........ looking at my parents................. and after that in the car during the drive home while taking in the urban landscape of surroundings of the singapore river.......... i pondered over it.......... have i actually lost faith? or is it just that i never placed the faith there in the first place? i suspect it is the latter............. the fear of failure that keeps us all from taking that one known step into the unknown.......... that prevents us from discovering the universal secret that propels our world forward............. is it a pity that we are unable to immerse ourselves in this wondrous dimension and experience the rollar-coaster ride............. yet just like palpitations that we feel prior to stepping on the ride.............. it freezes us and to take that one step seems like crossing the pacific ocean back in the days where maps were unknown............... like the human heart............. unknown to others and even to oneself.......... vague and escaping.......... we're all looking for someone to call our own....... to belong to........ yet are we willing to lay our hearts down on the line? and who is to say that when we gather up our soul and lay our naked heart down on this line a train wouldn't come bulleting over and obliterating it? which then is a better fate: to live in the security of our remorse at not daring to venture; or to experience the thrills of this risky ride yet in the end have the whole sctruture come crashing down on you....... confirming your doubts on past years unknown? don't we all end up similarly? disillusioned and broken....... fragmented beings with nothing to fall back upon..........
Nothing
And nothing's where you're at when you ain't got something
You'll never get it back
It's coming on like a drug
The universal power of one
But it don't mean nothing
If it all comes undone
Fly away, if you fly away
You might die today
If you fly, fly
Gimme some love
Gimme some skin
If we ain't got that then we ain't got much
And we ain't got nothing, nothing
You're left with nothing
And nothing's what you've got when you ain't got no one, no one
You could have had the lot and if it's over today
You'll never get that thing you had together, no way
You only get it once
Fly away
If you fly, If you fly
Gimme some love
Gimme some skin
If we ain't got that then we ain't got much
And we ain't got nothing, nothing
We ain't got nothing, we ain't got nothing
A day's a number
Don't remember how you found it
You will never feel the same
And forever have to take it for granted
Don't remember our mistake
Gimme some love
Gimme some skin
If we ain't got that then we ain't got much
And we ain't got nothing, nothing
looking for a place to land
There was a man in his car trying to talk to me
He drove a pontiac, red, 1963
He shouted numbers and neighbourhood streets
I said "I wouldn't know, I wouldn't know"
And then I said to myself "what's he looking for"
An illegitimate son with an open door
Or else the calling from God he could not ignore
I guess in my own way
Just like him I'm wandering, wondering runaway
But aren't we all just
Looking for a place to land
Looking for a friend to call
Looking for a destination, conversation, fascination, to protect us from the fall
Looking for the one to love
Looking for a brand new day
Looking for a reason to stand
Looking for a place to land
There was a girl on a train out of Santa Fe
Found her husband in bed with her sister, hey
She left her soul and her kids when she ran away
Where do you go? Where do you go?
Sometimes the love that you lose is the love you find
Sometimes the pain is the doorway to peace of mind
No matter how hard you try you just can't rewind
Now that you know - Where do you go?
I guess in my own way
Just like her I'm wandering, wondering runaway
But aren't we all just
Looking for a place to land
Looking for a friend to call
Looking for a destination, conversation, fascination, to protect us from the fall
Looking for the one to love
Looking for a brand new day
Looking for a reason to stand
Looking for a place to land
I guess in my own way
Just like them I'm wandering, wondering runaway
But aren't we all just
Looking for a place to land
Looking for a friend to call
Looking for a destination, conversation, fascination, to protect us from the fall
Looking for the one to love
Looking for a brand new day
Looking for a reason to stand
Looking for a place to land
haha............ chanced upon a personality disorder test............. as the site says, "It is not meant to be used as a diagnostic tool, but rather as a tool to give you insight into a potential disorder that may be having a negative impact on your life." hmmm............. gee............. i wonder............... my score's below.................
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
it seems as as half the world's plagued by some disorder or another....... or some illness or another............. do i fall into that category too? am i a potential? so to speak.......... how interesting that we even have online tests to 'give us an insight' into our lives.............. do i seriously believe that i am a potential histrionic? an attention seeker who's manipulative and thinks that the whole world loves me? or an obsessive-compulsor? impaired by the inability to express my emotions and overly focused on perfection and orderliness? interesting enough............. to be brutally honest............. such traits do exist in me........... ain't gonna deny it................ though i trust that they aren't going overboard yet............... that i keep them in check............. wouldn't want a personality disorder would i? but that's a real interesting thought........... ***chucklechuckle***
how many of us can confidently say that we are totally sane?
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
i come to realise how lucky i am................. that i've got almost everything i could ever want going smooth sailing for me.................
i'm in a good school... one of the better ones............ and i'm studying the best course in the world..... theatre studies and drama and i've got wonderful friends......... they may not all be good and fantastic and we may only be there for each other at this certain point in our lives which crosspaths.......... most of us would probably not even keep in contact after we leave this school........ but nevertheless life is circumstantial and situational........... and i'm thankful to the Lord for these friends who're here to guide and accompany me along this stretch of my life...... lifting each other up at points and giving each other a wake-up call to reality when we need one......... thank you God......... i am truly blessed...........
to put it in a crude pragmatic way........ we're all stepping stones for each other......... cruel as it may sound and unfeeling as it may be.............. it isa fact...... and depressing as it maybe be......... that's life........... c'est la vie................. one can only make the best out of this hapless situation and carpe diem............ treasure what we possess now and let go when the time comes........ no point holding onto something once it's served it's use and outlived it's faithful purpose......... ***ouch***............. what a heartless world............ as they say.......... there's a time for everything............ and now's the time to learn from each other... to lend each other a shoulder to lean on and provide an arm to guide the way................... but nevertheless............ all good things must come to an end............... memento mori...........................
whilst watching the chinese version of 'who wants to be a millionaire'......... a show i'd never in my life join............. due to the language barrier............ i silently chide myself for not being a pious student and perfecting my mothertongue............ i do not regret it........... i don't believe in regret.......... refusing to regret my decisions in life makes it all the more bearable......... is it escapism? pragmatism? idealism? i wonder.................... don't tell me........... i don't wanna know.............
the first contestant up was some guy from my sch........... (probably some china scholar...... as he was 19years old and in year1)........ i heard my dad tell my lil bro of 11 that he wanted to see him wearing that uniform in 4 years........ (actually it's more like 6..... but let's not go into that........... my dad's getting old.......)....... i can sense the trepidation running through my lil bro's undeveloped 11yr-old brain when my dad mentioned that............ and i realised how lucky i was.......... i got into vjc without much struggle........... all through my life in the education system i've more or less breezed through it......... obtaining no less than 90marks all throughout primary school.......... my worst ever was an 84 for chinese........ not surprisingly..... i got into a sap school.......... and even there....... cramming for my exams last minute......... i got to vj.............. and now i'm facing the big 'A'...... yet i feel no urgency.............. will this spell of luck run out at this crucial moment in my life when i need it most? i have no idea......... i have no wish to let my parents down or myself........... yet i fear that i just might...................... but going back to my main point......... my lil bro tells me often how envious of me he is.......... that i've always gotten good grades and such......... and i can sense how he holds me in high regard............... he's constantly measured against my past successes............ and i know it is unfair to him and places unnecessary pressure on him............. yet do my parents realise that? are they open-minded enough to see the repercussions it'll have on him? i don't think so............ to them it's all study-hard-and-get-the-grade............ i don't see why there's so much emphasis placed on academic result......... not everyone develops at the same pace and not everyone is gifted in the same area........... what about creativity and emotional intelligence? human social skills and language skills? looking at the people that surround me......... i'm not surprised to find out that those with the best grades are often the least outstanding in creativity and people skills............ and it's the ones who don't necessarily excel tremendously in their studies who stand out....... can there ever be a balance? or have we lost this balance that once was? i believe it is the latter............ the ancient greek philosophers and mathematicians were well-versed in both the arts and the sciences............. yet now modern man is either inclined towards one or the other............... is this our supposed evolution? are we actually ascending the evolutionary ladder or descending? it really puzzles me............
am i just another ordinary person?
'erratic'............ 'weird'........... 'hard to keep up with'.............. 'screwed up'............. 'crazy'............. these are words that i often heard people describing me with.......... am i really that far out? do i really stick out like a sore thumb so much? i question myself almost everyday.............. i hold it personally that everyone is unique........... to quote chumbawamba........... no one is completely useless, they can always serve as a bad example................... i totally believe that.............. i believe that everyone.......... no matter how rotten to the core they are and nasty.............. has their saving graces and attractive features............ we've just got to look deep enough to find them............. somedays i wake up feeling on top of the world............ feeling peachy and enthusiastic............ feeling like i matter in this endless cosmic waste that we exist in............. that i could make a difference.............. yet there are times when i question myself............... when i look into myself and wonder what there is to me......... how different am i from the businessman rushing on the road... trying to clinch a deal............. living his life methodically day to day.............. i'm but just another miniscule being in this web of being....... what could i possible do? and so many people seem to outshine and dazzle me........... but do we even exist? or are we all just states of being? existing only because we think we do.............. i can't fathom that............ i'm lost in this outpouring of human existence in the vast sea of mankind..................... where is my stand in this world? am i but just a withered leaf flitting in the wind? lost and without a resting place? locked in an entanglement with the zephyrs and unable to free myself from this cruel unending fate? am i just another face in the faceless crowd? what do my accomplishments matter when even i cease to matter? does all this matter even? i need a beacon to light my way and guide me............. yet like the moth that is attracted to the flame......... i end up burnt........ brought about by a cruel twist of fate...... dealt a cruel hand by life............. the paradox of my existence........... to find the end of the road and discover it leads to a dead drop down into the darkness of the abyss of oblivion.......... caught in a limbo............ i try to pen down my thoughts yet they turn out unlike what i intend.......... i am unable to accurately express myself........... this inadequacy lends all the more to the fact that i am no one special.......... how ironic that i pride myself in self-expression to find myself inadequate in fully expressing myself in words................ only in actions do i declare my existence....... yet am i assured of my existence in this mundane insignificant activity that counts for nought? can i?
all this talk of getting old
it's getting me down my love
like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
this time i'm coming down
and i hope you're thinking of me
as you lay down on your side
now the drugs don't work
they just make you worse
but i know i'll see your face again
now the drugs don't work
they just make you worse
but i know i'll see your face again
but i know i'm on a losing streak
cuz i passed down my old street
and if you wanna show, then just let me know
and i'll sing in your ear again
now the drugs don't work
they just make you worse
but i know i'll see your face again
cuz baby, ooh, if heaven calls, i'm coming, too
just like you said, you leave my life, i'm better off dead
but if you wanna show, just let me know
and i'll sing in your ear again
now the drugs don't work
they just make you worse
but i know i'll see your face again
yeah, i know i'll see your face again
yeah, i know i'll see your face again
yeah, i know i'll see your face again
yeah, i know i'll see your face again
i'm never going down, i'm never coming down
no more, no more, no more, no more, no more
i'm never coming down, i'm never going down
no more, no more, no more, no more, no more
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
try to make ends meet
you're a slave to money then you die
i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down
you know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah
no change, i can change
i can change, i can change
but i'm here in my mold
i am here in my mold
but i'm a million different people
from one day to the next
i can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no
well i never pray
but tonight i'm on my knees yeah
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
i let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, i feel free now
but the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
no change, i can change
i can change, i can change
but i'm here in my mold
i am here in my mold
and i'm a million different people
from one day to the next
i can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no
i can't change
i can't change
cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
try to make ends meet
try to find some money then you die
i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down
you know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah
you know i can change, i can change
i can change, i can change
but i'm here in my mold
i am here in my mold
and i'm a million different people
from one day to the next
i can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no
i can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
i can't change
can't change my body
no, no, no
i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down
i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down
been down
ever been down
ever been down
ever been down
ever been down
have you ever been down?
have you ever been down?
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
half?
is the glass half empty or is it half full? honestly? i dunno.......... i can't say for sure which it is... and i don't see the point of obsessing over it........... inane as it is.............. to me......... it was.... is..... and ever will be plain half............. doesn't that simple monosyllabic word encapsulate all that we've pondered upon? it captures the total essence of all that fills........ and vacates the glass............. whichever it is... half empty...... half full........... it all is the same isn't it.......... like how no matter what colour race religion sex we are............ we're all part of the cosmos of man.......... and regardless how we treat or illtreat each other............ it's all gonna stay the same........... in a way.......... the same hand that deals hurt unto other people is dealt with in the exact same manner............ it's a double-edged sword.............. lethal, yet it slips thru our fingers without us even realising it was there in the first place......................
if the glass is half empty........... why wallow in the half that is deprived of you? why don't we appreciate the half that we have? and be thankful that at least we've still got that half........... and not a third or a quarter or a fifth? even if the glass if half full............ why mourn the loss of the other half that we've lost? why gloat over the half that we've got when we've lost the other half? why are we even given this glass anyway? for this glass is like our life......... where we are constantly lamenting over our losses and fail to see and treasure what we have....... isn't that so true? we seek to fill our glass to the brim yet when the time comes.......... it is so full that the water overflows and spills to the ground below......... what a waste.......... how often do we fail to see that? how often are we blinded by our flaws and pursuits that we ignore and pass aside all else? by then......... how can we even be definite of how much we've got?
e coin is made up of two sides............. some of us see the flower as the head.............. others the tail............ yet it doesn't matter whether we see it as the head or the tail........ for it is still one side of the coin.......... and without this half.... the coin wouldn't be a coin.................. so what's with the neverending squabble over which is what...... does it help anything?
it is amazing how we live our lives and keep ourselves going with these false assurances that serve only to cripple us and our judgement of what really matters in life............... in the words of a wise 'not-too-old' man.............. 'we all need false assurances in life to assure ourselves'...................... isn't it funny and perverse that we believe what's false when we know it's false and reject the truth because it's cruel and tough and plain............. not sugar-coated with peanut butter and jelly and sprinkled with rainbow-coloured chocolate grains.............. it's like a twisted version of the boy who cried wolf............... when the truth hits us........... we turn away and eventually it devours us in full knowledge............ but by then it's too late............... when will we ever learn? Will we ever learn? will I ever learn? i dunno................
love is not a hand that holds you down...................
to live our life righteously and unselfishly is to be selfless and giving............... yet how aware are we that we are selfish in this selflessness? that in our bid to be forgiving and magnimous we seek for some form of reward and repayment........... that we so often give all we have because we are terrified of having what we own taken away......... ironic isn't it? or is it just the way is it? unchallengeable............
love is tragic
love is bold
you would always do what you are told
love is hard
love is strong
you will never say that you were wrong
i don't know when i got bitter
love is surely better when it's gone
cause you wanted more
more than i could give
more than i could handle
in a life that i can't live
you wanted more
more than i could bear
more than i could offer
for a love that isn't there
love is colour
love is proud
love is never saying you're too proud
love is trusting
love is honest
love is not a hand that holds you down
i don't know when i got bitter
love is surely better when it's gone
i got to pick me up when i am down
i got to get my feet back on the ground
i got to pick me up when i am down
you wanted more
more than i could love
more than i could offer
the harder you would shove
you wanted more
more than i could give
more than i could handle
in a life that i can't live
how funny it is to take a step away from the hustle-bustle of everyday activity and just look in on the things you do.................. and you might actually wonder 'Sheesh! did i do that?!~'......... 'Bloody hell!~ you mean i actually said THAT?!'................ yet it's amusing how we don't realise it when we're so caught up with the 'crises' life throws at you...... or rather.......... throws you into.......................
take a look around and we see the pothole-infested cyanide-laced playground we call Life............... what a bright and cheerful sight............. gee, it really looks as if it holds many promises and unexpected surprises for us........... ***punpunpun***
we stumble and we fall
but we've still got to finish it off
from the crowd, this overwhelming call
how are we supposed to react?
except to struggle, and claw...
it seems like we spend our whole life hankering and looking for that someone or something............. and at the end of the road when we've got it.......... it is really what we thought it was? is it really what we wanted in the first place? how often have we come across this scenario and pretended that we're happy......... content with our find and giving ourselves a lil pat on the back........... when at the back of our minds there surfaces a tiny thought of vagueness and insecurity............. we try all our lives to suppress this and hold it in, suffocating it and refusing to let it take seed in our lives......................
othertimes what we're searching for is playing peek-a-boo with us right under our noses............ and we just fail notice it................. is it short-sightedness............... escapism.................... or plain stupidity? we often tend to look for the unattainable and strive for the unreachable............. so much so that we neglect the beauty that surrounds us on our human ground.............. such is the perfect flaw that we humans have............. we can't help but love each other for it................. as they say in greek tragedy.......... this is our hemartia...... our fatal flaw.............. that causes our ultimate downfall as humans........... hmm.......... interesting...............
it is so so so easy to overlook and is placed in our faces and yet look towards the horizon and seek for greener pastures.............. sounds familiar? well......... that's how we all are...................... (trivia: isn't it interesting how overlook and oversee seem as is they are the same yet actually mean totally opposite things? hehehe......... now....... THAT's a thought eh?) but well............... it's not to say that we're all like that and all the time........................... there are exceptions and isolated cases........... but that's just what they are........... exceptions and isolated cases...............
me? well.............. i'm just what i am.......... disillusioned and blinded.............. by the truth of things..... and to the truth............. whichever works....... they're one and both the same......................... like some bloke in some movie once said before ......"you can't handle the truth".......... can i?
nothing's so loud
as hearing when we lie
the truth is not kind
and you've said neither am i
but the air outside so soft is saying everything
everything
all i want is to feel this way
to be this close
to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks
i feel it say
nothin's so cold
as closing the heart when all we need
is to free the soul
but we wouldn't be that brave i know
but the air outside so soft confessing everything
everything
and it won't matter now
whatever happens to me
though the air speaks of all we'll never be
it won't trouble me
and it feels so close
let it take me in
let it hold me so
i can feel it say...
the sky is crying
can you see the tears roll down the street
the sky is crying
can you see the tears roll down the street
i've been looking for my babe yeah
and i wonder where can she be
but well.............. regardless of whatever we see...... or don't see in this place of ours............. there's always one person we know we can turn to................ who'll carry us upon His shoulders and lift us up when we're down in the depths............. who'll tend to our invisible wounds....... the ones that we don't even know exist........ for it is what we don't know that poses true harm to us................. so let us pause and take a lil time off our mundane stagnant ineffectual selfish lives and reflect..............
And here's to you, mrs Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know (whoa whoa whoa)
God bless you, please, mrs Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray (hey hey hey, hey hey hey)
but sometimes...................... is it all worth it in the end? is all the hurt and betrayal worth anything? i wonder...................
"is this the promised end? or image of the horror?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if you could only see the way she loves me
than maybe you would understand
why i feel this way about our love
and what i must do
if you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
when she says she loves me
well you got your reasons
and you got your lies
and you got your manipulations
that cut me down to size
saying you love but you don't
you give your love but you won't
seems the road less travelled
show happiness unravelled
and you've got to take a little dirt
to keep what you love
that's what you gotta do
saying you love but you don't
you give your love but you won't
stretching out your arms to something that's just not there
saying you love where you stand
you give your heart when you can
saying you love but you don't
you give your love but you won't
saying you love where you stand
you give your heart when you can
if you could only see the way she loves me
than maybe you would understand
why i feel this way about our love
and what i must do
if you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
when she says she loves me
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